Snail farming

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Snail farming is a complex and tricky business where any one snail, could be the difference between your family dying of starvation, or you and the above mentioned family lording it out in your mansion surrounded by 7 acres of snail farms. Thats right, once your'e hooked on the snail farming business you won't be doing anything else for a while.

A History[edit]

Snails have been eaten since prehistoric times. Roasted snail shells have been found in archaeological excavations although it has to be said that most of the archaeologists on that dig were french tossers. In ancient Rome, there were "cochlearia," gardens where snails were fattened up before being eaten. Pliny described the snail garden of Fulvius Hirpinus 2000 years ago as having separate sections for different species of snails. Hirpinus allegedly fed his snails on meal and wine. (But note, beer in a shallow dish is a way of killing snails and slugs.) The Romans selected the best snails for breeding. "Wall fish" were often eaten in Britain, but were never as popular as on the continent. Snails were often eaten during lent on the continent. In a few places, large quantities of snails were consumed at Mardi Gras or Carnival, as a foretaste of lent.


Just wait for the magic to happen.

Stage 1 First you buy two snails

Stage1.5 Wait until they have babies.

Stage 2 When they become to old to have babies you milk them for every last bit of snail juice in them.

Stage 3 Then when these snails are past it in milking terms, they are candidates for adoption. There should be a snail adoption centre in your district by law (snail adoption act of 1974) but if all else fails advertise them as young offspring snails with plenty of juice in them and try to flog them to a rival snail farmer.

Stage 4 The babies produced in stage 3 should then be sent to step 1.5 (snail incest is not illegal in most parts of the country except for luton, bognor regis and hull)

Stage 5 It is now time to sell your produce. Fine young snails can be sold, it is always good to check the stock exchange before you sell, experienced snail farmers have learnt that buying snails whole sale just before an inflation can really piss the other inexperienced snail farmers off (always remember; an angry snail farmer is not a good snail farmer)

Income Potential[edit]

Snail Farms are reported to be among the most lucrative in the business, with the average escargot dinner in France selling for nearly €80. (We have no idea how much that is in real money.) Additionally, a farmer can sell escargot caviar to companies who turn around and resell it for about $100 for a 2oz. can. Both the snails and the eggs sell wholesale on the commodities markets for almost a fraction of that, at $2 and $3 per kilogram respectively.

According to a spokesman for the French Restaurant Conglomerate, the discrepancy between wholesale and retail escargot prices isn't so bad when you think of it in terms of 1913 dollars, at which time $2 was worth $45. The French Restaurant Conglomerate feels that $45 per kilogram is a fair price. The spokesman also said that his organization could not be held responsible for for the inability of incompetent inventors to invent a time machine.

Ending World Hunger[edit]

The United States Snail Farmer's Coalition has announced that it intends to help fight world hunger through foreign direct investment in overseas snail farms. Both members of the coalition agree that the number of snails arbitrarily squashed each year in the US could start several snail farms in nations where hunger is a crisis. It asserts that the protein needs of the world's hungry could be met several times over if all US residents would only collect the snails in their yards and send them abroad to start-up snail farms.

In a comment addressing a hesitancy to eat snails among the majority of world cultures, the coalition stated that it believes that any rational person would eat snails before starving to death, and didn't consider it a problem.