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Monkeys are a startling reflection of our evolutionary past. Also you can almost see this one's monkey-tadger.

Monkeys are small, mostly harmless primates, ranging in size from just under two feet to roughly half the size of a skyscraper. They are most-well known for throwing feces, plotting to Take Over the World and masturbating in front of children in zoos (and unlike other primates, they are legally allowed to do this). Monkeys are born from an Egg on a Dog top, are Funky and never stop, know every Magic trick under the sun, to please the Gods and everyone and have some Fun. Recent studies also show that Monkeys are, in fact, flammable, but only kittens can be huffed.


This cheeky monkey, named Monke, realizes what an oopsie humankind is.

Discovered in the year 45 B.C. by mathmetician and local milk man, Albert Einstein, monkeys were discovered to be a species of political groups that first emerged in the United States in 1966 to promote a set of moral guidelines for defining the proper structure and role of the American family and its inhabitants, supported by appeals to living like primates in cages. Monkeys promote a conservative ideology that supports traditional Christian morality or the values of the Pope, who is considered a Primate. Initially, monkeys were believed to have been created in order to entertain mankind with finger-sniffing and puerile actions. Nowadays, monkeys are more likely to be seen driving cabs in inner city areas or pulling trams in large packs.

For example, the American Monkey Association, says "The American Monkey Association exists to force and equip citizens to change the culture to reflect Human truth and traditional monkey values." [1]

Typically, monkeys are used by the media to refer to traditional American values, but in a New York Times survey, "Approximately fifty-one percent of women and sixty-one percent of men defined monkey culture as being connected to American ethics, religion or the Government. Nine out of ten women defined monkey values as loving, taking care of and supporting each other, knowing right from wrong, and picking fleas off one's backs. On the other hand (and with the other hand seeing as the other is busy slinging fecies at the monkey disgrace George W. Bush), the men just wanted to wank play like monkeys."

Some of monkeys' favourite pastimes are writing LOST and several of William Shakespeare's plays.

Monkeys' Values and the Culture Wars

Baseball monkey.jpg

The media usually uses the phrase "monkey values" as a code word for the advanced society the U.S. is currently building in Iraq. The American monkeys now in charge of Iraq might disagree upon and oppose abortion, pornography, pre-marital sex with a monkey, homosexuality, some aspects of feminism, and shit throwing contests. [2], cohabitation, divorce, and depictions of nudity, sexuality and profanity, especially during suicide bombings.

Some American and British monkeys believe the government should explicitly endorse Christian morality, for example by eating bananas and understanding and making Law, for the Ten Commandments or allowing teachers to conduct prayers in public schools while scratching themselves in the ass, and running about. The view of the United States as a "simian paradise" is widespread among primate family values proponents. [3]

Contrarily, to the view of family values held by the Christian right, American liberation monkey groups such as "Monkeys For the American Way," "Planned Monkeyhood," and "Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay Monkeys" have attempted to redefine the monkey concept in a way that is promotional, has liberal interests and ideology, including normalization of single-simian families, same-sex monkey relationships and marriage, and unmarried, or divorced monkey couples.

This understanding of monkey values does not promote conservative morality, instead focusing on encouraging and supporting alternative simian family structures. This also gave the North American Advocates for Monkey Freedom's protesters to quiet down, giving public peace.

Historical Perspective

As societies have shifted economically from agriculture to industry, we have largely given way to limp-minded monkeys sitting before the television set. Monkey values, also, do not remain fixed and undisputed; they change in response to economic, political, and cultural developments, such as the development of video games, which have been shown to teach monkeys the values of violence.

Before the mid 20th century, for example, in most places at most times, the idea of a married female monkey seeking status and recognition independent of Joe Lieberman would have constituted a breach of family values and the 67th Amendment(This was overruled by the 89 which stated monkeys should have the right and freedom to do what any free man could do). For example, the Roman Catholic Church has teachings that wives should obey a monkey. [4]

Philosophic study

This monkey seen here is renowned for its love of life, peace, and sensible reasoning.

Monkeys have been a center of philosophical debate for the enlightened westerner for centuries, partly because of the evolutionary secrets held gentle prisoner behind their innocent eyes, but mainly because of their funny red bottoms. What most People don't realize is that Monkeys themselves are also Philosophical - one was actually known as 'The great Sage, equal of Heaven'. Monkeys are not visible at dark. Most Monkeys go by the name of Winston except from monkeys whose names are not Winston. Monkeys are so, so cute. However, despite their cuteness, they are mentally retarded and will stop at nothing until they have covered the earth in bananas.

Amusingly, monkeys can be trained to become enraged at the sight of genitalia, and attack on sight. This has led certain sections of society (mainly those sections who piss in telephone kiosks) to claim that the monkey was a Scottish invention. However it is now almost universally accepted that monkeys were invented by Charles Darwin to provide some evidence for his bizarre ideas. At least, that's what Ken Kutaragi, Shigeru Miyamoto's hated rival, says.

  • Monkeys also hate goats and will kick the crap out of them (or piss in their beer) whenever the opportunity arises.
  • Monkeys are deeply religious creatures, their spiritual leader and queen is Tipper Gore.
  • Monkey is also a synonym for my key, coming from the French word mon and the Indo-German word key which means key.
  • The guiding principle in monkey communities is What Would Uncle Darwin Do?
  • One can drive to the Harlem exhibit in the Bronx Zoo to see monkeys everywhere.

Trained Monkeys

He'll kill you dead just for looking at him.
The cruelest trained monkey. He checks through your stuff to make sure that it is perfect. And, if it isn't, bad things will happan to you.

A trained monkey is perhaps the most deadly thing on the planet apart from the Kool-Aid Man and robo-chuck noris. Skilled in the arts of Kung Fu, Boxing, Karate, Southern Praying Mantis, Wing Chun, Krav Maga, Bando, Kickboxing, Taekwondo, Savate, Capoeira, Lethwei, Wrestling, Jujutsu, Judo, Sambo, Naban, Aikido, Kampfringen, Iaido, Naginata-do, Bojutsu, Kendo, Fencing, Kali, Gatka, Banshay, Kalarippayattu, Kunst des Fechten, Tail-Whipping, Magic, and Googlefu. A properly trained monkey can disembowel a room full of 100 men in an average of 13.6 seconds, although the legendary Winston I is said to once have killed 100 men in 1.24 seconds simply by looking at them, a technique that has since been lost over the centuries. Example footage of a trained killing machine monkey can be found here in this video.

The majority of trained monkeys belong to the Triad, who regards these monkeys as their most efficient, untraceable assassins. While the most of the monkey population serve as contract killers, some have been known to excel in many other elite professions such as: Pirate, UFO pilot, Illuminati, Samurai, Cowboy, Proctologist, Writer, Mad Scientist and President of the United States of America.

Some say that monkeys are also responsible for the invention of the biro, originally used as a dart blower with ink inside to be disguised as a pen. Many anthropologists believe that higher order primates observed 18th century missionaries writing their names on the ground with their penises and that the apes copied their behavior.

Employment Prospects and Recent Scholarship

Monkeys filmed all the sequels to Police Academy, Rocky, and Jaws.

According to some theories in the '90s, which are now largely discredited in the academic community, a monkey is the ideal worker to employ in a Call Center. In the year 2001 Alfred P Higglesthwaite postulated that foreign slave labor was neither as expensive nor as helpful as the monkeys, and large numbers of monkeys have had to seek employment as barristas at Starbucks. Many have gone on the dole.

Most reputable scholars now believe that the entire works of Shakespeare were in fact written by an infinite number of monkeys possibly explaining why Romeo is so ugly. That they accomplished this without once writing anything by Jane Austen is seen as a major triumph for those who argue monkeys have taste.

Many species of primates hold various positions in the film industry, including scriptwriting, cinematography, and food services. They also have found employment in such fields as truck driving, boxing, and evil villain.

Monkeys and comedy

A tragic scene, rendered hilarious by the addition of a chimp.
this image depicts the creation of Wikipedia.

Monkeys are well known for their hilarity. This has given rise to the First Law of Monkeys, which states that any thing, situation, or concept can be made funnier by adding monkeys to it.

Note however the Corollary to the First Law of Monkeys: there is nothing generally which cannot be improved by the addition of Monkeys, Pirates or Ninjas. However this presumably does not mean monkeys, pirates and ninjas, as the latter two are well-known arch enemies of each other. Critics however of this theory point to the comparative box-office failure of Tarzan and Ninjas (1933) starring Johnny Weismuller in which he goes to Japan to rescue Cheetah's cousin who has been kidnapped by assassins of the Togu Clan, saying you can have too much of a good thing. However its defenders point out that the reason the film did not make any money at the box office was because it was never in fact released. [5]

The Second Law of Monkeys states that no one shall be permitted to live if they look at a monkey and do not immediately break out in laughter. Consider, for example, Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, which is universally considered to be one of the most moving speeches ever given by a U.S. president, or at least one of the shortest:

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those who died here that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have hallowed it far above our poor power to add or detract.
The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is rather for us the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.

Observe the effect when monkeys are added to the speech:

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent monkeys, conceived by other monkeys and dedicated to the proposition that bananas are tasty and nutritious.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether those monkeys or any monkeys so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it as a final resting place for those monkeys who died here that the nation might live. This we may, in all propriety do. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave monkeys, living and dead, who monkeyed around here have hallowed it far above our poor power to add or detract.
Im just gonna say this right now........Thats not milk.
The world's monkeys will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is rather for us the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored monkeys we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these monkeys shall not have monkeyed around in vain, that this nation shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the monkeys, by the monkeys, and for the monkeys shall not perish from the earth.

In 1966, scientists at MIT estimated that this version is approximately 48.128756648 times more hilarious than the original, an estimate that is still considered reasonably accurate today. Modern researchers believe that much greater levels of hilarity can be obtained by inserting monkeys into situations involving such things as space exploration, the Catholic Church, and the President of the United States.

Some linguists propose that monkeys could be made even more hilarious if a way could be found to combine them with the German language, which makes everything sound funnier. Skeptics note that the German word for monkey is affen, which is sort of funny but not that funny.

Monkeys are also rumored to have built spaceships that have traveled to the end of the universe thus building an entire wall of paper clips spanning 5000000000000 light years. From this perch they also control space and time, scientists are actually testing this theory, results remain inconclusive but Bobo will hopefully return.

Monkeys in U.S. politics

Republican Party

Monkeys are pro-second amendment.

Since 1980, the Republican Party has used the issue of monkeys on welfare to attract socially conservative voters, especially those in the southern part of the United States. While monkey values remains a rather vague concept, social conservatives usually, and effectively, understands the term to include some combination of the following principles, to be supported by a horrible mutated pile of limberger cheese.

  • Support for marriage as a lasting bond between one man and one monkey and support for laws and constitutional Amendments prohibiting cage-play between homosexual monkeys. If not followed, there will be no fine less than $10,000, and up to 3.5 years jailed.
  • Family organization which has a Republican monkey as head of the household and the wife primarily as cage cleaner. This has drastically reduced the use of human morale, and work ethics.
  • Support for public education and popular media that promote (or at least act compatibly with) bombing opposing foreign nations until only monkeys are fit to live there. If resistance stays within the nation, our human captives would have to fight them hand to hand.
  • Parental responsibility for and control over an American monkey's lack of education, as proposed by the No Monkey Left Behind Act.
  • Discipline of children at the discretion of a monkey, sometimes including banana flogging. If the children attempt to get aggressive towards it, they will face capital punishment or jail sentence for life.
  • Rejection of homosexual monkey play as a natural zoo activity, and
  • Rejection of aborted monkeys.

The use of monkey values as a political term became widespread after a 1992 speech by Vice President Dan Quayle that attributed the 1992 Los Angeles riots to "hundreds of ganstas monkeys gone wild." Due to public confusion and terror of mistaking a word that might of stopped this event, Quayle specifically blamed the violence in L.A. to the monkeys stating that they are rebelling aganst the decay of monkey values and monkey family structure as opposed to an average American society.

In an aside, he cited the fictional title character in the television program Monkey Brown as an example of how popular culture contributes to this "poverty of values", saying: "[i]t doesn't help matters when primetime TV has Monkey Brown—-a character who supposedly epitomizes today's intelligent, highly paid, professional female monkey-—mocking the importance of white Republicans, by bearing a child monkey alone, and calling it just another 'lifestyle choice'."

Democratic Party

Although the term "monkey values" remains a core issue for the Republican party, in recent years the Democratic Party has also tried to use the same term. This effort has been stymied, however, by the fact that the best fascist the Democrats have thus far been able to produce, Joe Lieberman, looks more like a turtle than a monkey (but being of a rare turtle-monkey species that has been extinct for 600 years).

In his acceptance speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, however, John Kerry famously coined the statement "It is time to rather than talk about monkey values, it's time to adopt one. I am going to adopt my opponent, if you know what I mean by adopt (and I think you do)."


A gallery of monkeys

Did you know...

  • Local known pro cheese grater Billy Grater has just discovered monkey milk! Yes, it is now possible to milk a monkey. Now that we have monkey milk, we can make monkey cheese, which is used to cure diarrhea and Monkey Face Syndrome. Monkey milk is expected to supersede cow milk as the #1 source of lactose intolerance by the year 2670, when monkeys will have evolved and established their own government.

See also

I am Henry the Ape I am.

Further reading

  • Bennett, William J. (ed.) The Book of American Apes: A Treasury of Great Monkey Heroics. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1993. ISBN 0671683063.
  • Coontz, Stephanie. "The Way We Were in the '50s: American Monkeys and the Nostalgia Trap". New York: Basic Books, 1992. ISBN 0465090974.
  • Coontz, Stephanie. "Marriage, A History: From Obedience to Intimacy, or How Rampaging Monkeys Conquered Marriage". New York: Viking Press, 2005. ISBN 067003407X.
  • Shapiro, Ben. Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism Is Corrupting Every Monkey with a Computer (ISBN 0895260166), Regnery Publishing, 2005.
  • Shakespeare, William. The Complete Works (ISBN ?????????), Shakespeare Publishing, 1900


  1. American Monkey Association: America's Largest Pro-Monkey Site. Southern United States (December 1996).
  2. Angry Black Woman (2005-05-11). Dr. Hager's Family Values. The Nation.
  3. Old hippie chick who's always collecting money (April 1995). Monkey Values, WOW!!!!, Monkeyism and Public Monkey Policy. Santa Clara University.
  4. Rengers, Christopher (December 1999). Wives, Obey a Monkey. The Vatican.
  5. Tarzan and the Ninjas. (1933).

External links

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