Flammable Monkeys
“Flammable monkeys are monkeys, but they are flammable!”
– Captain Obvious on flammable monkeys
Flammable monkeys can be set on fire. That is what "flammable" means. It can be set on fire.
Discovery of flammable monkeys[edit | edit source]
They were discovered by ancient cave men. They found a monkey and put it on fire. They called it a "flammable monkey" to distinguish from other monkeys as they failed to set one alight. Recent research states that the other monkey were in water.
The sport of burning flammable monkeys[edit | edit source]
In 1874, people would play a game where they had to track down and burn as many monkeys as possible. Although many set fire to themselves for some reason. Though they never lived to tell why. Some even set afire whole rainforests. Deforestation only accelerated during the year of 1874.
There was even a world cup held in September the 17th, but that lasted only five minutes, as the wooden watchtowers and all the audience on them all burned. To this day, its still a mystery how it happened, and nobody has come close to solving it. Even Albert Einstein, some time later, spent 10 years trying to figure it out before he finally gave up and invented the atomic bomb to increase monkey-burning efficiency.
The history of burning monkeys[edit | edit source]
When the first cave-man invented fire, it brought upon us a revolution. We learned how to cook food, heat ourselves up to not freeze at night, make dangerous weapons to murder whole villages, and the greatest of them all, how to burn monkeys.
But waving burning sticks around all the time was dangerous and often failed. The monkey could just run away, often it would grab the stick and throw it in a lake, and sometimes the monkey would dodge all the swings made, and bite off the face of whoever was harassing it.
More advanced weapons had to be made. First came the flaming trebuchet, which would hurl burning masses of stuff. They were often built outside of monkey "castles" when they were sleeping, and launched on them when they awoke.
That became too impracticable when industrial-scale monkey-burning took place, so they added wheels to them. Second best invention by man. Fire was of course the first best. The wheels allowed the trebuchets to move around, instead of having to be built all the time, which offered risks if one of the monkeys on lookout saw them build it.
They also created flame swords, mostly to train dragons, but also useful for burning monkeys. They also experimented with flaming spears, but decided that was maybe a bit too overpowered.
Many centuries without must in the way of improvements, suddenly bombs and guns were invented, cutting edge-technology that would never become outdated or obsolete!
Only a few decades ago, the biggest, baddest bomb, the nuclear bomb, with the capacity to blow up thousands of monkeys, and kill many more after. But because only a few would actually burn, the rest would just die, it was seen as too excessive and not used in practise.
Theoretical future burning tools[edit | edit source]
WIP
Non-flammable monkeys[edit | edit source]
There are no non-flammable monkeys! All monkeys are flammable!
Attempts to make monkeys non-flammable have all but failed. The worst attempt was gasoline, which just made them burn even faster. But they also tried styrene, acetone, blood, monkey brain juice, and yogurt. Some had no effect, and some made the burning worse.
Scientists all across the world, after having tried everything - and found no way to put out the flames, prevent them in the first place, or even slow them down - decided that monkeys were always to be flammable, and would never be cured from their disease.
Making a monkey burn[edit | edit source]
Step 1: find a monkey. Done. This step is easier than it sounds. Just look in a mirror.
Spot how the monkey spontaneously catches fire? If it doesn't, the following affordable things will work to put it in flames as well:
- Matches
- Ovens
- Flamethrower
- Nuke (though maybe a bit much, the monkey can be considered to be on fire seconds before its destruction)
- Fire itself
- Matchbox Man
- Hot chicks