Green monkeys
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“Green monkeys are green.”
“They killed my family. They ruined my life. I shall destroy the monkeys!”
– AGMA member
Green monkeys are a very small species, so small that most monkeys cannot be seen with the naked eye. They are said to have been created when a small alien craft collided with a nuclear test and landed in Hitler's mustache. Since their creation, the Monkeys have been wreaking havoc on the world. Many classify them as a Spuck species.
History of the Green Monkey[edit | edit source]
Green Monkeys were spawned at a little known nuclear testing site in the Ukraine during the World War I era. The alien species Green Monkeys are created from is genetically similar to cockroaches and Cher, therefore making them virtually indestructible. While a nuclear test was going on, their small craft collided with the explosion and landed in Hitler's mustache. Thus, the Green Monkeys were formed.
It is believed that the monkeys were parasites to many famous people of the early 19th century. The monkeys knew that because they were too small and too few, they would not be able to dominate this world and take it for their own. Therefore, the Green Monkeys, already being in Hitler's mustache, decided that he would be the perfect candidate for mind control (facial hair is easy for them to grip). The rest is too awful for me to even begin to type, and I'm sure you already know this horrible story.
During this time, the Monkeys found that drugs seemed to enhance their mind-control powers. They became highly addicted to cocaine. Products such as Coca-Cola and cocaine-containing headache medicines were all over the American marketplace. This is how initially the monkeys got children and other people addicted to cocaine. But mostly they enjoy children because they are fun to poke.
The Green Monkeys are known to be allied with the flying purple hippos. Also, they have been known to be minions for the Potato King.
Many disasters, thought to be natural at one time, have been scientifically proven to be caused by green monkeys. In the beginning, there were very few of these monkeys. Then, they discovered cars and began to multiply. Contrary to popular belief, it is not carbon dioxide that destroys the ozone layer, it is green monkey overpopulation. As the monkeys are defeated by certain organizations, such as the FBI, CIA, and AGMA, the Ozone shall heal.
Large gatherings of monkeys has also been proven to cause hurricanes, tornadoes, and other large unfriendly weather patterns.
How to spot a Green Monkey[edit | edit source]
Green monkeys are very small creatures, and are difficult to spot with an unaided eye. Use these tips from officials at AGMA to spot and destroy these unfriendly creatures.
1) Make yourself a pair of saran wrap goggles, as saran wrap reveals the monkey's radioactive glow.
2) Folding a napkin into a paper crane (sometimes called "Nessie") and throwing it into the air will make a monkey magnet, causing all the monkeys in the area to charge the napkin. Nessie is known to be a green monkey eater.
3) If something totally unexpected happens (a bomb threat is posted in your locker by your best friend, or a teacher comes to school dressed as a Scottish man, kilt and all) you will know there are monkeys using mind control on them and they must be cleansed of them immediately. The only thing that can kill a green monkey is molten marshmallow, so you must throw some in the victim's hair, as this is where the monkeys like to hide. If your friend or teacher seems to be experiencing pain from this, don't worry, it's only the monkeys controlling their mind.
SIGNS MONKEYS MAY BE IN THE AREA
1) Excessively Green Grass- excessively green grass tends to hide green monkeys very well, as it blends nicely with their radioactive color.
2) Large piles of chewed bubblegum- this also proves there may be purple hippos in the area, as they originate from improperly disposed of chewed gum. As the hippos and monkeys are allies in the war against good, monkeys may also be spotted in these areas.
Anatomy of the Green Monkeys[edit | edit source]
Green Monkeys are designed for killing. Hence, evil. Their teeth are like knives, claws like razors. They are commonly seen carrying sharpened sticks and crude spears. Green Monkeys are always, always, ALWAYS seen carrying a crack pouch on their side, as they are always needing a fix. Their eyes are bloodshot and yellowed from this drug use. Therapy is useless to a Green Monkey, as they refuse to admit they have a problem, and they're so small anyways that the therapist usually squishes them before the session begins anyways. First and foremost, GREEN MONKEYS ARE GREEN.
stupid
External links[edit | edit source]
- AGMA website[Drawing of a monkey, provided by http://onemoremonkey.com/]
