Emmanuel Macron
Bonjour, tout le monde et Uncyclopedié. Moi, je suis Monsieur Emmanuel Jean-Michel Frédéric Macron, le King of Europe, so-to-speak. I have officially been King of Europe since 2017, unofficially I have been here forever.
I am neither French nor European; I am a human being. Being human is what makes us human.
One simply does not call me Manu. C'est là mon trigger. The last person who called me Manu is now Prime Minister of la Belgique. Coincidence? Je ne crois pas!
I run a small country known as France on a day-to-day basis, and it can be very tiring, so I have enlisted the help of 52 Prime Ministers to run it with me, taking turns to run it every week. This can be tedious, problematic, it leads to a lot of rioting; but that's okay because it's how we have run things for the last 700 years. If we changed the rules now, it would mean a lot of paperwork.
I have a beautiful face and a beautiful wife, and around two dozen mistresses. The UK's Daily Mail says my wife is a man, which might explain things. She has a very strong right hook which has had me suspicious since 1994. My wife can knock out a gendarme with one swing, and that is why she is true Minister of Defense in mon cœur. Here in my native soil, nobody cares if she is a woman, a man, a horse, or the Prime Minister of Swaziland. It mystifies me that the UK cares so much about the possible existence of a penis. I think they don't know what it is over there.
Early life[edit | edit source]
I was born in a shed outside Amiens, a beautiful shed with ornate markings of women with 3 breasts engraved in it.
Policies[edit | edit source]
French people do not exist. France is a foreign concept invented by the Polish and the Germans in order to mess with America.
I firmly believe in Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité for all, except for Arabs, Arab-looking people, Asians, Africans, Americans, Canadians, homosexuals, the English, and the working class. If you don't share my French-sounding surname, go away. I am also the pioneer of human breath taxation and the Chief God King of Jupiter. France needs a god to worship and I can be one. We have a wonderful, philosophically superior culture that puts all other cultures to shame.
Once a week I organise a shutdown of France. Each shutdown, by regulation, is to last three weeks.
This means we now have about 972 shutdowns happening at the same time, and calculations show it will take 18.6 years before le Paris Metro is moving again.
But please do not be afraid: my European colleagues assure me they have scheduled a meeting for Wednesday, 19 years from now. The exact Wednesday is still under discussion, because first we must establish a Working Group on Future Wednesdays, then circulate a White Paper on Acceptable Calendar Days, and wait for the German translation before anything can be signed. Once this process is complete, and if there is no objection from Luxembourg, who has objected to everything we do since 1975, I will be informed of the precise Wednesday — at least six months after it has already happened. I have yet to inform them that French people do not work on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, which may complicate matters.
Sexcapades[edit | edit source]
I run a small health food shop near the Champs-Élysées, not to be confused with the Élysée Palace where I live. It is a profitable business, but not too much.
