Carrot Theory

A new theory of everything which holds the answer to all of life's unanswered questions, Carrot theory or C-theory is the very latest, most up to date, up to the minute, bang on, brand new, and totally cool, explain-everything theory of that vast expanse that is the Universe. Not to be confused with the comparatively inferior parrot theory. It has rendered obsolete the string theory which is old hat and so yesterday.

Fig 1. A somewhat blurred but accurate model of a C-universe. The blue lines represent time dimensions. The white lines represent space dimensions. The red is the background C-matrix. The underlying shadow is the infamous dark matter.

In simple terms

The universe is made up of corpuscles. These corpuscles are tiny indivisible microscopic carrots that are impossible to see but really are there. Really they are, trust the theory, it is true. These corpuscles are the building block of all matter. More fundamental than quarks. Smaller than quarks. Weirder than quarks. But unlike strings in string theory they do not vibrate but instead keep toppling over. This explains the workings of the universe.

The carrot equation

Also known as the carrot field equations. This is a vastly complicated and as yet unfinished mathematical equation. On the left hand side is the term for a carrot (c). On the right hand side is the term for the speed of light (c). In between is an equals sign (=). Thus the equation becomes:

$c=c$

Some formulations introduce the "carrot constant" (c) which seems to iron out a few little problems to stop the carrot expanding. Thus the equation takes the form:

$c=c-c$

Note - this is a MUCH simplified version of the enormously complicated extended carrot equation which has over a million terms times the number of C-dimensions but it is far harder to remember and is far more complicated than the one for strings because carrots have an awkward stalk.

Why C-theory is superior to orthodox string theory

Both satisfy the Theorem of the Arbitrary Topology* - so which is correct?

1. In string theory the universe has the wrong number of dimensions. Carrots have 4 dimensions. The universe has 4 dimensions. Therefore carrots have matching dimensionality to the universe whereas strings do not. The universe is therefore most likely made up of carrots not string.
2. Mice eat anything. This is a PROVEN scientific fact. Why can mice eat anything? Because everything is all carrots. String theory has no explanation for this observed effect.
3. String theories have variously 10,11 or 22 dimensions. Various C-theories have 11,12 or 23 dimensions. C-theory is therefore superior. Some C-theories even have over 9000 dimensions - and these are the ones thought most likely to be the ultimate description of reality since they have the most dimensions. This may all contradict point 1) but that isn't important as we've moved onto higher dimensions.
4. Carrots, except carefully selected supermarket ones, are misshapen and wonky. This explains the strangeness of particles and the strangeness of the universe. Strings aren't as wonky as carrots..
5. Carrot theory explains to an exact approximation the evolution and behavior of bunny rabbits.

The extra C-dimensions explained

It is the carrot's toppling over in the extra carrot dimensions that explains everything we know. Adding the right number of dimensions fixes C-theory for all known phenomena. Indeed the number of dimensions probably varies from carrot to carrot and from time to time. Anyway, the point is, dimensions are important and there are lots of them. However many we need to make the thing work.

FAQs about C-theory

1) Why can't we see the extra C-dimensions?

They are twisted, bent over double, and cleverly disguised in order to be invisible on the macroscopic scale. In addition, one of these dimensions is an anti-color dimension which is why the whole world does not appear to be orange.

2) Is it a co-incidence that Einstein chose 'C' to represent the speed of light and that is the same letter that carrot theory begins with?

It is NO coincidence. Indeed this is one of the most striking things about C-theory. It is completely compatible with Einstein's general relativity, quantum mechanics, and oven radiation. Indeed, advocates of C-theory are frequently heard to argue on the lines of '"What more proof do you need for C's sake!"

3) Is the carrot constant really necessary?

Perhaps. Then again...

4) Is time travel possible in a C-world?

YES! Now you're starting to like it aren't you! Time travel IS possible because of the existence of carrotholes, regions in space and carrot-time so dense that carrot-beings (that's you and me) can potentially enter one end of the carrothole and emerge out of the other end in a different carrot dimension. See the forthcoming book.” Backwards time travel really is possible in the C-world. Yippee!" (subtitled: "Buy me and find out all about it - price: 12 easy payments of $49.99")

5) How would a single carrot behave in the vicinity of a black hole?

It is a much debated point. How would a single carrot behave in the vicinity of a black hole? All the brightest brains in the world are working on this. And why that is... is another mystery.

6) Why cant people eat everything but mice can?

People used to be able to eat everything in the time of the cavemen because they weren't as picky as they are now. Humans can eat anything because everything is made of carrots; We choose not to eat everything now and only eat speicial supermarket genetically enhanced super carrots because humans have evolved into very picky eaters.

Fig 2. Another model of the universe. This time in black and white and showing the actual distribution of dark matter in the C-world.

Predictions of C-theory

No theory is viable without making testable predictions. Here are the predictions of C-theory:

1) Mice will continue to be able to eat anything in future times - regardless of the evolutionary course of the universe, the current state of entropy, or the wholesale price of carrots at that time.

2) The universe will ultimately evolve into a garden shed, prime for smoke boxing. Upon leaving this shed the world shall be inhabited by pokémon.

Dangers of C-theory

What if the value of the carrot constant changes over time i.e. what if the carrots (which are assumed to be in a dormant state) started to grow... wouldn't there be terrifying consequences? Yes. The sun and the earth would explode... your body would explode... carrots would emerge from out of your body everywhere... it would be the end of the universe and very nasty. Alternatively it could be very tasty. It all depends on whether you like carrots.

Test your knowledge of C-theory

Q1) What is carrot soup made of?

Q2) How and with what could a time machine be made in a C-world?

Q3) How many carrots are there in a single carrot?

Answers: Q1) Carrots Q2) Carrots Q3 2^(a very big number) + 1

A note of caution

There is some dispute over whether the universe is indeed made up of carrots or whether they are in fact aubergines. This alternative version is known as "Mum's theory". All other theories of the universe have been proven to be HERETIC theories.

The Theorem of the Arbitrary Topology

For ANY arbitrarily chosen topology if you are willing to expend enough time and brainpower and toss in sufficient invented dimensions and other notions... then eventually you will make it resemble reality. But that will probably just be co-incidence...

See also

• Life's Unanswerable Questions
• Dark Matter
• Theory of everything