Argon

Argon, ₁₈Ar

Argon "leads" the Fellowship
Argon
Atomic symbol	Ar
Atomic number	18
In the periodic table
Chlorine ← Argon → Potassium Neon ↑ Argon ↓ Kryptonite
Physical properties
Melting point	Doesn't
Boiling point	Do
Isotopes	Anything

Argon is a noble gas of the Periodic Table and the widely acknowledged rightful "king" of legendary Group 18. It is best known for its uncanny ability to appear important while doing absolutely nothing. Argon spent much of history going unnoticed, operating under the assumption that if one never reacts, one can never be blamed. Despite this, it comprises roughly 1% of the atmosphere, meaning it is, statistically speaking, always nearby.

Though it rarely takes action, Argon’s presence carries an air of quiet authority. It does not seek power, yet is frequently associated with it. It avoids responsibility, yet inevitably becomes central to it. Thus, Argon embodies the paradox of a substance that, by doing nothing at all, somehow manages to matter.

Etymology

The name Argon is said to derive from the Greek word "argos", meaning “lazy,” “idle,” or “cannot be bothered,” in reference to the element’s complete refusal to participate in just about anything, including basic plot progression. Scholars generally agree this is the most accurate scientific description of anything ever recorded, contrary to historians who deny this was ever a thing in the first place.

However, this explanation has been widely disputed since the publication of several scientific writings by a certain Gandalf, (not a licensed chemist, just a meth cooker), who insisted that the name is a linguistic corruption of "Aragorn", meaning “vaguely important person who avoids responsibility until the final act.” According to Gandalf’s notes, years of transcription errors due to pipe weed being smoked, elvish being undecipherable to normal people, and a sexual encounter with a Balrog, it was eventually shortened to Argon.

Modern chemists remain divided on the issue: traditionalists claim that Argon reflects the element’s inert nature, while revisionist historians argue that its true origin lies in its "noble" lineage. Both camps agree that the name does accurately reflect Argon’s defining characteristic: a supernatural commitment to doing absolutely nothing.

Physical and chemical properties

Argon is classified as a noble gas, meaning it is slightly less unappealing in smell than a fart. Physically, Argon is colorless odorless, and slightly smelly vapor that allows it to move around like the brooding emo that it is.

Chemically, argon is inert, meaning it does not react under normal conditions, not-so-normal conditions, or even highly-not-normal conditions involving speeches. This extreme reluctance to engage has led scientists to conclude that it is a “full valence shell object,” or, in normal terms, “full of shit.”

History

Back to the gas, it does it's teleportation by taking Oregonian air and replacing it with the matter that it touched. It can lead to horrifying accidents, like when it teleported a horde of angry lions into a Portland apartment building. It was discovered by a man named William Ramsey after his roast beef was fucking raw.

Argon was officially discovered in 1894 by scientists who were, (by all accounts), late to the party. After centuries of carefully studying, breathing, and farting out air, researchers finally noticed that a small portion of it was not doing anything. This anomaly was eventually identified as Argon, a substance so dull and unreactive that it had successfully avoided detection simply by refusing to participate in regular day to day science.

According to alternative accounts, Argon’s true identity had been known long before this by Gandalf the "Meth Wizard", who encountered the element wandering the wilds under the alias “Strider,” blending into the scenery and contributing nothing observably interesting. Gandalf reportedly suspected Argon’s noble heritage but chose not to press the issue, as Argon seemed content to eat grass, wear rags, and hang out with a crowd of midgets and cross-dressers.

For many years, Argon was mistaken for ordinary air, a misunderstanding that lasted for way too long, but luckily caused no problems. It neither bonded or reacted, leading scientists to conclude it was either unimportant or straight up intentionally avoiding responsibility. Only through painstaking analysis (and mild frustration) did researchers finally isolate it, at which point Argon was revealed to be a noble gas. Following this discovery, Argon’s role in the broader chemical “kingdom” remained mostly symbolic, as supposed to it being actually relevant or useful. While other elements rushed to form compounds and drive reactions, Argon maintained its traditional stance of inactivity like a 19 year old high on weed during class. It would occasionally appear in experiments, not to participate, but simply to be present in a way that suggested importance without actually being important.

Role in the LotR periodic table

The project labeled "the Fellowship of the Ring" is widely regarded as one of the most unstable group projects ever completed, with an approximate 14% death rate involved, no thanks in part to Argon's lack of activity.

At its core is Hydrogen, an element tasked with carrying the "Ring" despite being just one decision away from spontaneous combustion. Accompanying Hydrogen is Oxygen, whose primary role is to keep Hydrogen alive while also being indirectly responsible for most combustion related problems. Their relationship is strong, though occasionally explosive, forming what scientists refer to as “water” and what historians call “a co-dependent hot mess.” Representing the more combative side of the group is Iron, a durable and battle-tested element known for its strength, weaponry applications, and unfortunate susceptibility to corrosion under emotional pressure. Alongside Iron is Silicon, who is present for unclear reasons but contributes by forming sand, glass, and occasional confusion. Bringing up the rear are several trace elements who were added to the project to meet DEI requirements, including Sodium and Chlorine, neither of which do much more than Argon, and seem to follow his teachings of slothfulness and infectivity.

Argon’s role in the Fellowship is, technically speaking, critical, in that it is present (sometimes). As a noble gas, Argon refuses to bond with any member of the group or meaningfully engage with the project, choosing to sit idly and consume alcohol or pipe weed.

Applications

Despite its commitment to being a lazy nobody, Argon has managed to secure itself a number of important applications, primarily by ensuring that nothing else happens either. This paradoxical career path has made it one of the most employed "do-nothing" things in existence, right behind Mark Zuckerberg.

One of Argon’s primary uses is in welding, where it serves as a protective shield to prevent other elements from reacting with hot metals. This process is commonly referred to by metallurgists as “reforging the sword,” during which Argon stands nearby, arms crossed, silently judging any element that even considers oxidizing, but as per usual, not doing anything if something happens except lighting up in a pink haze, and looking even more noble than usual.

In scientific and industrial settings, Argon is frequently used to create inert environments for sensitive processes. Whatever the case is, Argon’s role in applications is always the same: stand there, do nothing, and make sure everyone else does the same.

Quotes

• “One does not simply react with Argon.” (falls asleep)
• “You have my sword… though I will not be bonding with it.” (yawns)
• “I am Argon, son of the Noble Gas. You owe me your non-reactivity.” (stares at wall)
• “I do not fear reaction. I simply choose not to participate in it.” (ignores everyone)
• “There is always hope… so long as I continue doing absolutely nothing.” (stares blankly)
• “I would follow you, my brother… if I had any electrons to spare.” (sits down)

See also

• Gas
• Neon
• Air
• Useless things