Dubnium
 Scientists making dubnium | |
| Dubnium | |
|---|---|
| Atomic symbol | Db |
| Atomic number | 105 |
| In the periodic table | |
 Rutherfordium ← Dubnium → Seaborgium
Hafnium
↑ Dubnium ↓ Stalinium | |
| Physical properties | |
| Isotopes | Wubb, Dubb |
Dubnium, (or Hahnium for the idiots who don't respect scientific nomenclature[1]), is a synthetic element that is often created and expelled from a machine known as a synthesizer. It's symbol is Db, and its atomic number is 105, AND it is highly radioactive! Dubnium is known to infect creatures via radio waves through the brain via the ear canals. It's half life is only about 16 hours, but due to it being mass produced by amateur scientists in unregulated laboratories known as "sound clouds", it continues to be a threat to the world.
It was first discovered back in 1968 by you guessed it, the Soviets, who were hell bent on finding a substitute for being forced to listen to Tchaikovsky for 16 hours every day under the Czars. Within days of this discovery, the Americans over at UC Berkeley discovered it as well after a fraternity prank went slightly overboard. Both teams of scientists at the time couldn't agree on a single name, and called it "Bleegim" and "Chuzzite" respectively. Many years later, they finally settled on calling it dubnium, as the lead Soviet scientist's name was George 'Dubna' Bush[2]. Dubnium, like several other weirdly named and relatively useless elements, was only discoverable by the process of creating superheavy nuclei.
Introduction to how the heck they found this stuff[edit | edit source]
The synthesis of superheavy nuclei[edit | edit source]
To create a superheavy nucleus, (which is a regular nucleus but really fat like the average American), scientists fire a tiny nucleus at a much larger one, because bullying works worse in nuclear physics than it does at my local high school. The larger nucleus is glued to a target via osmosis or something, while the smaller one is launched at ludicrous speed (up to one-tenth the speed of light, or approximately one Skrillex drop per nanosecond).
Since all nuclei are positively charged and therefore emotionally unavailable, they repel each other violently, requiring legal intervention most days. To overcome this, physicists apply extreme energy via bass boosted speakers, loud enough that the nuclei briefly forget they hate each other and attempt to merge. This moment of fusion lasts about 10⁻²⁰ seconds, or one "bass wobble", before they remember their differences and separate again, often as completely different nuclei who “just need some space.”
Sometimes, through quantum tunneling, (a process involving very small ants that make tunnels everywhere), the nuclei actually manage to fuse. This creates a compound nucleus, which is extremely excited and immediately begins making poor life choices. It may:
- explode
- eject random neutrons like glow sticks
- get ejected from every party it tries to join
- get violently drunk off of cheap liquor
- emit a gamma ray
If the nucleus survives longer than 10⁻¹⁴ seconds (still really short), the International Group on Naming Shit That is Really Small (IGNSTRS) legally declares it an element and gives it a temporary name like Ununhexadubnium or something similar. It's a requirement IN THE RULE BOOK that the temporary name sound like a monkey high on cocaine attempting to sing a Mariah Carey song. This is how Dubnium was noticed in the early stages.
Detection[edit | edit source]
The newborn nucleus is flung through a "big magnet maze", (sponsored by United Airlines), and slammed into a detector, which is essentially just a really big microphone. Scientists record and place monetary bets on:
- where it landed
- how hard it landed
- how long it lived before exploding again
- how long it will take until Dubna notices they laced his juice with Cyanide again
If it decays in the same spot repeatedly or Dubna fails the poison detection quick time event, that’s a decay chain and also a death. If not, then it's just spontaneous fission, which is about as exciting in the science world as it is in the real world: not very.
Why superheavy nuclei hate themselves[edit | edit source]
The strong nuclear force holds nuclei together but only at extremely close range, like introverts at a rave who are too hopped up on MDMA to even breath normally. Meanwhile, electrostatic repulsion scales with the square of proton count, and acts like that one college girl that just never shuts up. Eventually, the nucleus becomes so fat that it literally cannot hold itself together and starts shedding alpha particles like a supermodel throwing up dinner into their toilet... or it just splits itself in half out of sheer self disgust.
Since you aren't going to read all that...[edit | edit source]
Smash atoms → drop the bass → hope something survives → name it after Dubna → dubnium (or some other lame element).
Discovery of said stuff[edit | edit source]
The Russkies[edit | edit source]
The first discovery of dubnium came from the CHINK, or the Carta-Hella Institute for Nuclear Kresearch [sic], which was a Soviet laboratory buried underneath Moscow devoted to finding out why so many of their nuclear submarines kept blowing up. During one especially slow day with no submarine mishaps reported in, the scientists were fooling about with ion beams, and accidentally shot Chief of Staff Olsted Bruggus' portable radio with a beam of 22Ne ions. The result was a mass firing of most of the lab staff for misuse of property, but also the creation of a new element: dubnium. Lead scientist George Dubna Bush had been the man behind the ion blaster, and was thus credited with its creation. (Note: this was after his trial and execution by the Communist party). Until the battery finally wore out in the portable radio, every noise that came out of it was amplified to audibly painful levels, and came accompanied by strange noises akin to "cat claws on a metal roof" and the sound jello makes when punched very hard.
The Cali boys[edit | edit source]
Around the globe in sunny Berkeley, CA, scientists were hard at work to create something new. The last new thing they had made was a virus that wiped half the state of Idaho out by accident, so they were looking for redemption. Their attempts at glory involved, of course, an ion laser and a heap of californium metal. When combined under the chair of the Chemistry professor at UC Berkely, the results were quite explosive, and even made it into the yearbook. After the hopping and swearing calmed down, the scientists soon realized they had created something new, and immediately uploaded their findings to the internet.
The naming debate[edit | edit source]
When the Soviets got wind of this, they realized they needed to come up with a name quickly, so chose Bleegim as it was the name of a alien character on the side of someone's lunchbox. The Americans were quick to follow up with a name that was voted unanimously on by the entire Sigma Delta fraternity: Chuzzite. The rest of the world quickly got tired of the bickering between bald headed lab coat wearing losers, and decided to call it Hahnium[3] after the sound they made when thinking about how dumb it was. Some other really stupid names suggested were seaborgium, flerovium, and stupidium. After the IGNSTRS stepped in, they declared that it would be named after George Dubna, and dubbed[4] it dubnium.
Uses of dubnium[edit | edit source]
Isothermal gas chromatography[edit | edit source]
Isothermal gas chromatography is an experimental art style started by the Vietnamese in the mid 90s. This form of art involves the "artist" bending over, and farting onto a canvas. The canvas is then rinsed in a mixture of dubnium and tap water, before being lit on fire. The resulting blob of ash and smoke is then photographed, and sold at auction for $5-10.
Sonic warfare[edit | edit source]
Scientists discovered that placing trace amounts of dubnium into microphones and speakers distorted and warped the input and output to a degree that was almost nightmarish. Ordinary beat boxing or rapping become a slew of "wubbing" and "dubbing". Researchers soon realized it had an almost hypnotic effect on listeners, driving them to a frenzy yet keeping them under its influence. It has yet to be tested in the battlefield, but is increasingly showing positive results from large scale demonstrations in places such as Coachella, Burning Man, and EDC Orlando, all of which are code names for CIA black sites where human experiments are performed on a huge scale.
That's really about it[edit | edit source]
Dubnium sucks, it has to be one of the least useful elements out there... even caesium laughs at it!