Barium

Barium, ₃₄Ba

Barium in a laboratory setting
Barium
Atomic symbol	Ba
Atomic number	34
In the periodic table
Caesium ← Barium → Hafnium Strontium ↑ Barium ↓ Radium
Physical properties
Melting point	doesn't
Boiling point	does
Isotopes	crematum
Electronegativity	Pauling scale: 56

“Barium.”

– Tony Soprano on what to do with dead men

Barium, (chemical symbol Ba, atomic number 56), is an element that was discovered by a group of medieval scientists during an unusually lethal experiment. The element is primarily known for its ability to solve all of it's various "scientific problems" by putting them deep underground, which remains a popular methodology in several academic, scientific, and even public departments.

History

Barium was discovered sometime in the Dark Ages by a consortium of philosophers posing as scientists all attempting to answer the age old scientific question: “Why do things explode when we put fire next to them?” During an experiment involving heated rocks, some explosive powders, and at least six people who were certainly not trained, or even amateur chemists, an incident occurred that historians refer to as "That Incident That Required Shovels".

Following the devastating event that reportedly led to long lasting consequences such as the eruption at Pompeii, the fall of Rome, and the birth of Mariah Carey, the lead scientist famously exclaimed:

“Well… bury ’em.”

Due to the poor handwriting common among early researchers and a horrible translation thanks to the Albanian drunkard who took a piss on the translator while he worked, the phrase was later recorded in laboratory notes as “barium.” "Ah! Piss!" was crossed off right next to it.

This ridiculous linguistic error was copied into textbooks, alchemy scrolls, and eventually the periodic table, marking it as one of the most successful cover-ups in scientific history since the "discovery" of the element "fire" by F. Grug in 11 BC, when he lit himself on fire and burned to death in front of his whole family tree.

Etymology

Scholars believe the phrase evolved through several stages:

1. “Bury ’em.” - An immediate practical solution for the removal of the discoverers' bodies
2. “Buryem.” - Early laboratory shorthand thanks to lazy people
3. “Barium.” - Published in a peer-reviewed scroll by someone wit ha stick up their ass
4. “Baa.” - A sheep pretending to be a scientist
5. "Ba." - A scientist who discovered the imposter

Some linguists still argue that the name may also derive from the Greek word "barus", meaning heavy, referring either to the element’s density or more likely the weight of the required paperwork afterward. Others claim that it is derived from the Roman word "bearus", meaning bear-like. Scientists argue that this is in no way relevant, but linguists quashed any and all scientific reasoning by applying a small amount of Barium to a bear, and releasing it in downtown NYC in the infamous "Barium Bear Attack of 2015."

Standard uses

Medical Imaging

Barium compounds are commonly used in "Barium swallow tests", a supposedly legitimate medical procedure in which patients drink a chalky liquid so doctors can see their digestive tract on X-rays. In reality, the Barium drinking is in no way required for this procedure as it does nothing, but most doctors get a massive kick out of seeing their patients faces contort with disgust as they consume the hellish substance. Patients frequently report that the experience is similar to drinking liquid drywall or two-month old chocolate milk after its been peed out by a frog.

Fireworks

Barium salts produce a bright green color in fireworks, and is very popular. Copper also produces a similar color without the added "benefit" of raining down toxic elemental particles on the masses, but what's a 4th of July celebration without the risk of severe Barium poisoning? Scientists initially discovered this property when attempting to destroy experimental notes by setting them alight, which caused a blinding green flash and got them all sentenced to death for practicing witchcraft.

Academic Problem Solving

Historically, barium’s most important use has been resolving bad lab outcomes. Left that canister of plutonium open in the lab overnight while your peers were working to cure cancer? Barium! Forgot to activate the fume hood before opening that container of mustard gas? Barium (and you too). Lab partner traded your glass of lemonade for HCL? If you manage to survive, dissolve him in acid, then Barium!

Uncommon uses

Barometers

Everyone knows that barometers are made out of pure Barium, as they both sound alike, and both will kill you if eaten. The barometer's primary function is to tell you whether or not it will rain in about 30 seconds by measuring atmospheric pressure, which just a fancy way of saying how hard the sky is squashing down on you at any given moment.

Solvents

Shovels have long been used to buy people, but some tired gravediggers quickly realized that they could just dissolve the entire body and pour the resulting goo into a much smaller hole in the ground, alowing them to get away with minimal effort with maximum results. A primary candidate was of course Barium, as 1) it smelled bad and bad smell always equals acid, and 2) it reminded them of what their bosses told them to do: "bury em'."

Dangers

Barium and its many compounds are all highly toxic, which is ironic considering how many scientists have historically been around them and how often it is poured down the throats of unsuspecting medical patients. Safety guidelines recommend such things as not ingesting barium (unless medically supervised, in which it suddenly becomes non-toxic), and writing laboratory notes clearly enough that “bury ’em” cannot be mistaken for another new element..

See Also

• Death
• Grave
• Science