Tony Soprano

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Tony will screw anything that moves. Even people who have heads on swivels.

“If your a guy I could put a fucking slug in you, if your a chick, I'd put a fucking penis in you.”

“Are you kitten huffing ovah dere?”

Tony Soprano is the current King of New Jersey Crime. In the series The Sopranos, we watch Tony go on his quest to become the biggest bad ass in the land while accompanied by his party, each with their own talents. He is the guy whose psychologist got raped and then didn't even hire Tony to whack the muthafuk'in cogsucker. His dog tried to kill him once, a strange ipooh bear, and he fucked a three-legged russian girl. Although he paints a lot, Tony likes to grab people's balls for insulting his girlfriends. It's seen as a form of flatery since so many people break Tony's balls. Dere.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Tony was born to The Sopranos family in 1999 while seeing his dad chop off someone's tie. Nonetheless, despite killing loved one, colleagues and foes, and screwing hot chicks at the drop of a hat, he's technically not a serial killer, just an emotiaonlly unstable asshole who talks to a leggy shrink about his bitchy old mom and his non mafia business, ya know like where to unload 80 cases of beer, being kept up all night feeling guilty for cheating on his wife with 80 women you know regular stuff.

Tony's mafia crew include:[edit | edit source]

  • Chris, Nephew of Tony who's Associate then Soldato then Capo then Dead: Has drug problems, but everyone still loves him. Has also worked many jobs.
  • Paulie "Walnuts" Gualitieri, Capo then Underboss: Old Italian Guy
  • A Big Pussy Bonspiero, Soldato then Dead: pussy
  • Silvio Dante, Soldato, Bard
  • Kevin Shannon, non-made associate and The Irish movie critic
  • Assorted goombas and hoods along the way. Many of them are red shirts and others come and go to advance the story. Along with Tony, the above four members are who accompany you to the moon for the final showdown with the New York crew.

One of the biggest problems with Tony's friends is Junior. Junior was associated with ass-kissers such as Mikey Palmice, and others. Although the greatest character in the show, the writers decided to have the fat prick Tony Soprano be smarter than him leading to junior's importance becoming non-existent after the first season.

Tony can get equipped with the finest body armor, sniper rifles and other goods to destroy his enemies. New York won't know what hit it. Their reports are always filed and saved at the Bada Bing, a quaint bar and grill with many nice people

Tony at the start of his quest starts in New Jersey with a hand gun, and about $500 To get his gang ready for the upcoming mafia war, they must go around and shake down other hoods for money and weapons and infiltrate far away lands like New York and Italy in order to get the most respect. Many acquainteces of Tony's will offer their services to the group.

Others[edit | edit source]

  • Richie Aprille: Asshole of a hitman. Tony can never work things out with him.
  • Furio: Hitman and not an asshole; wanted to fuck Tony's wife.
  • Mikey Palmice: Liar, Consigliere, high ranked member: Who killed a guy named Brendan, yelled at his wife, went for a jog, ran away, and whacked by Chris. Was a liar and drove a BMW.
  • Ralph: Jerk. Mainly good at comic relief and doing math.
  • Tony B: masseuse who is good at lying.
  • Vito: fat gay guy. Created to help broaden appeal to the adventure. Critics were mixed. When Tony found that Vito was having an affair with a gay fireman he shot the both of them in the middle of a romantic candle lit dinner. Ironically enough after the whack, the candles fell over and the place burned down to the ground even though one of the victims was a fireman.

Tony's family is an odd lot. A liberal media daughter who goes to college and will likely therefore be a meathead, a lazy son who wastes all the families money on nintendo, porn and diet soda, and an odd wife who has the most peculiar dialect making it impossible to tell where she's from. All of them have jobs as garbagemen and as such, live in a mansion outside of town. The house was almost replaced with a new one called White Castle but a last minute change was forced and they were unable to make the move.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

Trivia sections are Shazbot!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

  • Tony is secretly the mobster that appears when the Fog spell is cast.
  • At the end of the series, he forgot to pay the electric bill and the lights went out, while people wandered around in completely normal manner while his idiot daughter tried to park his car. Tony s rumored to have gone out in a blaze of John Woo guns in each hand glory but thats only in our minds. Tony secretly is still alive but don't tell HBO or they'll try and make some lame follow up movie

See also[edit | edit source]