Holmium

Holmium, ₆₇Ho

Holmium is on the case
Holmium
Atomic symbol	Ho
Atomic number	67
In the periodic table
Sir ← Holmium → Conan Doyle ↑ Holmium ↓ Holmes
Physical properties
Melting point	It doesn't
Boiling point	Hard
Isotopes	Arthurian, Conanian, Doylonium

“You got questions about me? Get in line. The name's Holmium. 'Ho' to my few friends, but call me a hoe and you'll taste another element. Lead. Where was I? Atomic number 67. I'm a rare-earth element, a lanthanide, which means you don't find guys like me on every corner of the periodic table. We keep to ourselves, down in the f-block, where the action is. Some call me soft, malleable even. Sure, I can bend, but I don't break. And don't let the shiny exterior fool you; I've got secrets. More magnetic personality than any other element on this godforsaken whole chart, and that's a fact, see? Now, what's it to ya?”

– Sherlock Holmium on idiotic questions

The Lowdown On Me

Let's get one thing straight.

(Puffs cigar).

When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.

(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)

In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. Last one that got that close left with my pal lead embedded in his skull. But I don't stay pristine for long.

(Coughs).

The mean streets of this world, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.

(Coughs again).

It adds character, and everyone loves character.

(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe).

My Chemstry Cases

“ ELEMENT-ary, my dear Watson! ”

I prefer to work alone, but I've got my associates down at the precinct. I react slowly with cold water and faster when the heat is on. When some hot-head acidic officer comes along, I just dissolve into my sofa, "forming my ions."

(Makes jerking off motion).

My compounds, see, they're two-faced. My oxide, Holmia (Ho₂O₃), looks one way under fluorescent lights, and another way in broad daylight. It's a trick of the light, sharp absorption peaks that make me a master of disguise. You think you know me? Look again. I'm both here and there, that's what makes me the best detective in this sector of Element City.

(Leans back in chair and fiddles with pipe).

On the Job: Element City

A guy like me gets around, my talents are in high demand.

• The Magnetic Gigs: My powerful magnetism makes me the muscle in some of the strongest artificially generated magnetic fields. You'll find me in the pole pieces of high-powered magnets, often in MRI machines at the hospital. I'm the guy who helps them see right through you. That's correct, I use this power to observe whats behind the bulge in Watson's pants. Lovely.
• The Laser Focus: Sometimes a case needs a sharper focus. That's when they call me in for solid-state laser work. Holmium-doped lasers. They cut through tissue clean, real precise. They use my light to break up kidney stones. I get results no matter what.
• The Nuclear Option: In the high-stakes world of nuclear reactors, things can get hot. I'm a burnable poison. I absorb neutrons like a sponge absorbs cheap gin, keeping the chain reaction from getting out of hand. I'm a control rod, see? I keep things from going sideways.
• The Quantum Heist: This is the new stuff, the big leagues. Quantum computing. They say my atoms, with their magnetic personality, are perfect for being single-atom magnets. Storing data one atom at a time. A vault for the world's deepest secrets if you will. That's right, tell me all your secrets, I won't tell anyone.

My Family

Some call them my kin. Others call them the brood. I call them the HOes, but if I catch you saying that, you'd best not find out what happens. Few have, and there's never a repeat offender. Is that clear?

(Leans forward accidentally inhaling cloud of smoke previously exhaled. Coughing ensues).

A Warning

(Coughing ends).

Listen up. They say I'm considered to have a low degree of toxicity, but don't get any ideas. You wouldn't want to get on my bad side. Handle my salts and oxides with care. I work best when observed from a distance. Get too close, and you might just get drawn into a mystery you can't solve, and one that ends with you eating my partner, lead.

(Attempts to twirl gun, drops it on the floor).