Holmium
 Holmium is on the case | |
| Holmium | |
|---|---|
| Atomic symbol | Ho |
| Atomic number | 67 |
| In the periodic table | |
 Sir ← Holmium → Conan
Doyle
↑ Holmium ↓ Holmes | |
| Physical properties | |
| Melting point | It doesn't |
| Boiling point | Hard |
| Isotopes | Arthurian, Conanian, Doylonium |
“As I looked at my remarkable friend, calmly absorbing stray neutrons as if it were the most natural thing in the world, I marvelled once more. While others see only a silvery metal, number sixty-seven on a long list, I see a mind of unparalleled power. To the world he may be Sherlock Holmium, the lanthanide. But to me, he is, and always will be, the world's only consulting element.”
– Wats-onium on his beloved "friend"
Holmium, Himself[edit | edit source]
“There is no intrigue, copper!”
– Sherlock Holmium on Police using technology to solve crime
Let's get one thing straight, my dear Wats-onium.
(Puffs cigar).
When you're talking magnetism, you're talking about me. I've got the highest magnetic moment of ANY naturally occurring element. You could call it a magnetic personality. I pull the facts right out of the air. Things are just drawn to me. Like you, and don't deny it. It's a gift, from me to you.
(Gestures to empty seat in front of desk)
In my pure, elemental form, I'm a bright, silvery character. Soft enough to be cut with a knife, IF you can get close enough. But I don't stay pristine for long.
(Coughs).
The streets of this world, this city, the damp air, they tarnish me, give me a yellowish oxide coat.
(Coughs again).
It adds character, and everyone loves character.
(Throws down cigar and picks up pipe).
My Chemistry Cases[edit | edit source]
| “ | ELEMENT-ary, my dear Watson! | ” |
I prefer to work alone, but I've got my associates down at Scotland Yard, and you, my dear Wats-onium! I react slowly with cold water, but faster when the heat is on.
(Stares intently at Wats-onium in a vaguely homoerotic fashion).
Please Wats-onium, let me continue! When some hot-head acidic officer comes along, I just dissolve into my sofa, "forming my ions."
(Makes jerking off motion).
My compounds, see, they're two-faced. My oxide, Holmia (Ho₂O₃), looks one way under fluorescent lights, and another way in broad daylight. It's a trick of the light, sharp absorption peaks that make me a master of disguise. You think you know me? Look again. I'm both here and there, that's what makes me the best detective in Element City. Now my dear Wats-onium, I have read your diary- don't look surprised! I would like you to read to the dear viewer from page 3 if you so please.
(Leans back in chair and fiddles with pipe, staring intently at Wats-onium who is dripping with sweat).
From the Diary of Dr. Wats-onium (page 3)[edit | edit source]
It was a foggy morning in our district when I, Wats-onium, found my companion Holmium deep in contemplation over a metallic residue shimmering faintly upon his workbench. It indeed was not my cum, as he had long since wiped that away, much to my chagrin. His eyes gleamed with that light I had come to associate with discovery and the sudden urge to make out.
“Observe, Wats-onium,” he said. “A residue of an unknown alloy, vanadium traces I note, but also something far rarer… I would wager an impurity most deliberate.”
“Another theft?” I asked, though I already thought as much. For ever since the Great Melting, half the metals seemed to have lost their moral conductivity and magnetized to crime.
Holmium adjusted his magnifying glass, the fields about him swirling like thought. “Yes O Watty dearest, a theft most curious. Platinum reports that her catalytic converter was dismantled in the dead of night. Yet, no solder marks, no broken bonds… only this faint residue much like your cum stain dear Wats-onium. Someone with fine and precise valence control is at work here.”
We called upon Inspector Ferrum of Scotland Yard, who stomped in with efficiency. “It’s them fuggin nonmetals again,” he grunted. “They’ve got no respect for structure in this 'ere society.”
But Holmium merely smiled. “I suspect otherwise, my dear Ferrum." (My heart broke slightly hearing such a title bestowed on someone other than myself). "Look, this fine iridescence bespeaks a noble hand, certainly not a reactive one.”
From there, events accelerated much like particles do when Holmium’s intuition was ignited. We pursued faint spectrographic clues through the neon-lit streets of Element City, tracking traces of conductivity, tensile strength, and rumor alike.
By nightfall, in the shadow of the old Periodic Tower, we cornered our culprit, Gold, attempting to sell the converter on Ebay. “I needed the converter,” she confessed, “to refine my luster. I’ve tarnished, Holmium. The world, it... it values me too highly to notice, even as I fade.”
Holmium’s gaze softened. He, too, knew the weight of atomic pride. “We shall not expose you, sweetest Gold,” he said at last (stabbing me deeply in the heart with that one). “But you must return what was taken. Even the most noble of elements must conduct themselves properly.”
And so the case concluded not with arrest, but with reconciliation, and perhaps something rarer still... an understanding in a world where every element sought to find its own pointlessly stable configuration.
As we walked home through the dim electromagnetic haze, Holmium leaned close, his field brushing mine gently. “Wats-onium,” he murmured, “it's curious how, even in chaos, the bonds that matter most endure.”
And though I am not prone to reaction, I felt my valence shift, ever so slightly... toward completion! And I also jizzed my pants, but dearest Holmium appeared to take no notice of that.
On the Job: Element City[edit | edit source]
A man like me gets around, my talents are always in high demand.
- The Magnetic Gigs: My powerful magnetism makes me the muscle in some of the strongest artificially generated magnetic fields. You'll find me in the pole pieces of high-powered magnets, often in MRI machines at the hospital. I'm the guy who helps them see right through you. That's correct, I use this power to observe what's behind the bulge in Watson's pants. Lovely.
- The Laser Focus: Sometimes a case needs a sharper focus. That's when they call me in for solid-state laser work. Holmium-doped lasers. They use my light to break up kidney stones, and I get results no matter what.
- The Nuclear Option: In the high-stakes world of nuclear reactors, things can get hot. I'm a burnable poison. I absorb neutrons like a sponge absorbs spilled whiskey at the pub, keeping the chain reaction from getting out of hand. I'm a control rod in essence... I keep things from going sideways.
- The Quantum Heist: This is the new stuff, the big leagues. Quantum computing. They say my atoms, with their magnetic personality, are perfect for being single-atom magnets. Storing data one atom at a time. A vault for the world's deepest secrets, if you will. That's right Wats-onium, tell me all your secrets, I won't tell anyone!
My Family[edit | edit source]
Some call them my kin. Others call them the brood. I call them the HOes, but if I catch you saying that, you'd best not find out what happens. Few have, and there's never a repeat offender. Is that clear?
(Leans forward, accidentally inhaling cloud of smoke previously exhaled. Coughing ensues).
A Warning[edit | edit source]
(Coughing ends).
They say I'm considered to have a low degree of toxicity, but don't get any ideas. Handle my salts and oxides with care. I work best when observed from a distance. Get too close, and you might just get drawn into a mystery you can't solve. Now, as they say, the game's afoot!
(Attempts to twirl gun, drops it on the floor).
Never mind! To my cryogenic chamber, I must think at 20 Kelvin!
(Leaps up from his chair and exits the room in a flash).