Selenium

Selenium, ₃₄Se

Selenium in a bottle
Selenium
Atomic symbol	Se
Atomic number	34
In the periodic table
Arsenic ← Selenium → Bromine Sulfur ↑ Selenium ↓ Tellurium
Physical properties
Melting point	Unknown
Boiling point	Unknown
Isotopes	beibSe, 69Se, etc.
Electronegativity	Pauling scale: 35

Selenium, (Atomic number: 34, Symbol: Se), is the chemical element that comprises the entirety of singer and actress Selena Gomez. In its base form harvested from her, it can either be a red liquid, a brown solid, or a shiny metallic brick. It was discovered some time ago when scientists were looking for tellurium, and due to their dyslexia, ended up onstage at a performance in Austin, furiously attacking a confused Selena Gomez to obtain samples. More recently, selenium was found to be highly concentrated in fish, leading scientists to propose a theory that Selena Gomez is the "Mother of All Fish", or at the very least had relations with thousands of them over the years.

Selenium is a very important element not only to the fanatics of the actress herself, but also to people who make glass, food coloring, and supplements. Selenium is also used in semiconductors, which has made the Gomez an extremely valuable commodity in the age of computer chips, but silicon has slowly been overtaking her in popularity, leading her to frequently inject large amounts of said element into her body in order to keep the scientists invested in her.

While selenium is a requirement for cellular functioning, in too high of doses it can cause selenosis. Despite this danger, selenium is crammed in just about every multivitamin and supplement known to have hit the shelves of your local CVS.

Characteristics

Physical properties

Selenium can take several forms depending on temperature changes. When heated up, selenium is known to shed its outer layer, exposing the soft and refined sub layer. In science culture, this phenomena is known as "Bikiniosia." When rapidly heated, it has been known to attach itself to the nearest heavy metal, before then producing a chemical reaction that prevents attraction to that metal ever again. This is called "Un-nacht-standiosia."

Appearance

"Great Scott!"

Selenium in its most stable form takes on the appearance of small beads of sweat, and this is what is harvested generally from Gomez for production purposes. Under a microscope, it appears to be a shiny grey color with a chiral hexagonal crystal lattice type construction, consisting of helical polymeric chains. Under a electron microscope however, each atom seems to take on the appearance of the face of Selena herself, leading scientists to speculate that selenium could be a living creature on the atomic level. It is common to find small particles dubbed "gringos" or "simps" orbiting selenium molecules, which have the effect of increasing its positivity and value in some cases, but most often turning it into a highly negative element with deleterious effects on all nearby molecules.

Isotopes

Selenium isotopes of greatest stability

Isotope	Nature	Origin	Half-life
69Se	Primordial	An encounter in Vegas	Stable
66Se	Midichlorial	If placed in front of a TV playing Star Wars Eps. III, this results	Stable (element structure changed to 'sith'
79Se	Trace	Byproduct of nuclear fusion	3,129,111,134,000 years (est.)
beibSe	Harassment	Byproduct of contact with Beiberite	Like 2 seconds

Chemical compound

Orgasmoselenium molecule

Selenium compounds exist in a near constant state of oxidization unless the progenitor body is exposed to cold temperatures wherein the progenitor must be covered up, preventing oxygen from reacting with it. It is a nonmetal, a "fe-metalloid" or "foid", with properties similar to both sulfur, (smell), and arsenic, (lethality).

• Selenium Dioxide - Like normal air, but smells bad and is poisonous
• Selenium Hexaflouride - Poisonous toothpaste
• Selenocyanates - A crystalline substance often used to dilute methamphetamine
• Orgasmoselenium - An aphrodisiac

Applications

Glass production

Accounting for a supposed 50% of selenium usage, glass production requires large amounts of selenium. Without selenium, glass is a nasty yellow or green color, and selenium brings with it a rusty red hue, which cancels those colors out... even thought that's not how color theory works. When a red glass color is desired, they mix some of Selena Gomez's blood in there too to really bring out that nice red color.

Installing the latest in solar panel tech.

Solar cells

In a solar cell, there are several layers of materials all designed to take whatever the sun is spitting out and turn it into power that can then be used to run computers so people can then watch videos of Selena Gomez on. Selenium is used to "photo-absorb" light, and this was a theorized use when long ago Selena Gomez proved to have the ability to absorb every image taken of her, preventing photographers from using the images they had taken. Scientists believed that this could apply to whatever the hell the sun was doing to us from so far away, and it worked! Aside from the fact that it seems to only work half of the time, it is believed to be a necessary part in the future of solar panel powered everything.

Photoconductors

In essence, small bits of Gomez are crammed into X-ray detection machines to better get a look at things like bones, boners, drugs, and broken bones. These detectors use blobs of selenium to capture and convert random X-ray photons directly into electric charge, which are then used to draw those funny black and white pictures with.

So called "pog" particles orbiting a selenium molecule

Simp production

As a result of its borderline aphrodisiac properties, selenium and its progenitor have the strange ability to make living creatures (with low brain functionality) bend their lives to almost orbit them. This closely reflects how it is on the atomic level, with simp and gringo particles orbiting the selenium molecule. Real life simps and gringos have been seen orbiting her in person, leading researchers to try and correlate the cause and effect of atomic happenings to human sized happenings.

Biological roles

Nutrition

Dietary selenium comes from fish, nut, and sweat. The nut most full of selenium tends to be the Brazil nut, but some American nut has been known to be infused with selenium as well.

The US Recommended Dietary Allowance (RDA) of selenium for teenagers and adults is 0.0000005 μg/day. Amount taken tends to be closer to 0.0.5 μg/day, leading to frequent bouts of selenosis. Selenium as a dietary supplement is available in many forms, including multi-vitamins/mineral supplements, penis enhancement pills, and other enhancers, all of which typically contain 55 or 70 μg/serving. The US RDA declined to comment on why this was legalized.

Toxicity

Selenosis is a major sickness that can occur if too much selenium is consumed, either by directly eating the substance or by getting too attached to the progenitor: the Gomez herself. Selenium supplements typically contain either 100 or 200 μg/serving, and are categorized as "rat poison" in most states and countries. Symptoms of selenosis include playing her music nonstop for over 24 hours, joint pain, beginning to worship Latinas, vomiting, starting to speak Spanish, and hair loss.

Some plants have also been hit hard by the Selena Gomez fever, and now require copious amounts of selenium to survive. Some humans also suffer from this fever, which is considered a severe form of selenosis, leading them to act crazy and see Selena Gomez as a deity of sorts. Both of these stem from overuse of selenium, which while it is not considered a drug in any sense, seems to have similar effects when it doesn't outright kill the imbiber.

Pollution

Selenium pollution is quite sever, and encompasses both the pollution from the element itself in nature, and the results of the humans taking and being damaged by said element as well.

Selenium poisoning and selenosis are issues that can be passed from generation to generation, so when it makes its way to things like fish or plankton, the effects can be quite disastrous. Imagine a whole army of 1,000,000,000 plankton singing "Ain't No Crying in the Club" all at once. Yikes!

Large amounts of selenium also function as a chemical castration agent, rendering the victim unable to breed. This can be seen by the many fanatics of Selena Gomez being unable to breed let alone communicate properly with society.

See also

• Selena Gomez
• Pop stars who are also elements
• Toxic materials
• Nutrition