Avi Toledano

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This article is about the Israeli musician Avi Toledano, but also about the American singer Mariah Carey, because this article has such a huge range.[1]
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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Do you want to pose as Avi Toledano? Do you like eating hummus? Do you want to learn how to act like an Israeli in ten minutes? Did you get to this by pressing the Random Article button? If you said yes to any of those questions, then this might be the page for you.

Step 1: Name yourself after the town your family was expelled from[edit | edit source]

It's easy. Be a fan of this guy. Can YOU smile like this? I don't think so.

Avi Toledano did this. I don't know why, but he did. He named himself after Toledo, Spain, from which his Jewish family was expelled five hundred years ago. If you don't have an expelled Jewish family, you can still be Israeli – just be an Avi Toledano fan.

Step 2: Have an imaginary friend[edit | edit source]

Israelis have very little to no friends in the world. (If you're Quentin Tarantino you had an Israeli girlfriend just before you got engaged.) So as much as possible, try keeping an imaginary friend, never laugh at his jokes, never talk to him in public, never say things like "I have an imaginary friend", never chase him in the streets, never imagine any friends, never fantasize about having friends, never make jokes about having friends, never watch the show Friends, never link to the show Friends, and above all NEVER miss the Eurovision Song Contest – it's a disgrace to Israeli unfriendliness.

Step 3: Do the Hora[edit | edit source]

When Israel was established in 1948, Israelis immediately did the Hora. The Hora is done by picking a partner of the opposite sex, holding hands with them, and then dancing together with everyone in very big circles.

"Hora" is also Avi Toledano's biggest hit song. It lost at the Eurovision Song Contest only because "Hora" means "whore" in Hungarian or something. Listening to this song is basically doing the Hora.

To summarize, do the Hora. It has the potential to make you lots of lady friends – if Israelis were able to have friends, which like I said before, is not going to happen. More importantly, do NOT not do the Hora, ever.

You'll find this in every Israeli record store ... for the price of not being able to listen to anything else, EVER.

Step 4: Listen[edit | edit source]

What Israeli knows the words to "Im Nin'Alu"? None, as almost every Israeli does not speak Yemeni. (But they still know all the words to Ofra Haza's duet with Avi Toledano.)

Also, not all but a lot of Israelis know the words to "Chai" by Ofra Haza. An example of a melody written by Avi Toledano, the song is simply nothing but a man stating that he is still alive in a very high voice, but way better than the Bee Gees.

Also, Ofra Haza also came second place at the Eurovision Song Contest, although that's another shame to some Israelis, unless you're talking to Avi Toledano, in which case it's perfect.

Step 5: Be punk rock[edit | edit source]

Goddamn it! As an Israeli, you must be punk rock at everything. Be punk rock at the Eurovision Song Contest, be punk rock while listening to blink-182, be punk rock while eating breakfast with your imaginary friend, be punk rock while watching Dexter, be punk rock while drinking red wine.

Any Israeli who is not punk rock in any situation at any time is expelled to Germany, where he is forced to watch the Eurovision Song Contest in infinite loops.

Step 6: Speak Hebrew[edit | edit source]

Main article: HowTo:Learn Hebrew

Step 7: Don't do Avi Toledano gestures unless you ARE Avi Toledano[edit | edit source]

Oh, and also the shoulder-touch smile thingy.

These gestures include:

  • Pretending you are giving a handjob to two men at the same time, briefly and really fast – this gesture was invented by God himself, but specifically for Avi Toledano performing a specific Avi Toledano song, called "Dayeynu".[2] The song's title may be translated as "Enough is Enough". Making it in any other situation will label you as gay – unless you're a woman, in which case there's nothing gay about it.
  • Doing the Hora with Ofra Haza.

Step 8: DO NOT drink Israeli beer[edit | edit source]

German beers are amazing, and provided you don't mind farting a lot, you'll probably enjoy them too.

I recommend ... well, I don't recommend anything because I don't know anything about German beer, or really Germany in general. I would recommend going for the big names, but also go for those small town brews as well.

Now with German beer, let's raise a toast to your completion of being Israeli! Now you will be able to make Mariah Carey Hora with you!

References[edit | edit source]

  1. And also because Israelis like to explain jokes so much, because they are so tacky.
  2. Spotify search word in Hebrew: דיינו

This page was originally sporked from HowTo:Be German.

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