Germany

Dutchland Holy Moly Germania The Bratwurst Tokio Hotel
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: Crapulam terribiliem habeo.
Anthem: We're marching, marching, marching – until Ivan sends us home
Capital	Berliningrad, now Neo Ankara
Largest city	Destroyed by Ivan
Demonym	Berliner
Official language(s)	Shouting, Yodeling
Government
Commander	Rammstein
National Hero(es)	David Hasselhoff Heidi Klum Angela Merkel Adolf Hitler Anne Frank
Currency	BMWs, gummi bears, lederhosen
Religion	Nazism, Nihilism
Major exports	Gay porn and Panzers
Major imports	Muslim refugees

“I heard that place is full of bacteria”

~ Anon on Germany

Germany is a shameless nudist paradise beach. It is stuck in the centre of Europe, next to the Polish plumbers. Germany is best-known for winning wars, especially against France, and winning football penalty shootouts, especially against England. Today Germany is best buddy to everybody, even with Russia and the Taliban. The Minister of Business and Technology maintains he is not chummies with Canada, as the Canadian Government are chronic bluffers.

The average German is comprised of 12 right angles and one million trillion brain cells. They are known for their rigid appearance, which they attain each morning by ironing their shirts, pants, hats, and skin to achieve the sharpest possible creases. Germans are one of the few people in the world who communicate love and affection either with intelligent discussions or via glaring or while spanking their tight asses.

The beautiful German capital Berlingrad is frequently invaded by drunk hens and stags for cheap celebrations. Porn parties with blond Rhine maidens are a famous tourist attraction for all international visitors. Orgies (German: "Rudelbums") are usually conducted while listening to techno or Rammstein.

Contrary to a popular Western belief, Germany is actually not a peaceful republic with a government composed of sausages, and is still a Nazi Fascipublic with a government composed of Nazi sausages.

Etymology

The name Germany refers to the fact that there are more germs per capita than any place on the planet. There are so many germs that the Ancient Germans worshipped them and named themselves after the germ. This is due to the fact that back in the days of the roman empire, the barbarian tribes occupying Germany tended to brutally dismember the roman health inspectors. When the Intergalactic Fleet invaded, the name of the region was changed to Germania, a portmanteau of germ and mania because their love of germs was driving them nuts. Today's Germans are so embarrassed of this fact that they refer to themselves as Dutch, the nationality of their Failed Colony of Windmills. Yet, the name Germany has stuck on and it is the term used in the rest of the world.

History

The first major incident in German history was the Great Weißwurst shortage of 1930. Due to the lack of food, the German economy was completely and utterly destroyed.

Germany doesn't like history that much. Following 1945, West German Chancellor Konrad Adenauer officially encouraged National Amnesia as the new political ideology. If any German was asked if they was German they were to deny it and pretend to be Swiss. In East Germany the Russians treated their satellite/allies more severely and did not allow them to leave their country. When some ignored this and crossed into West Berlin, the East Germans called in the builders.

The Berlin Wall in 1961. An East German soldier, dressed in full armour, is farting in the general direction of Westerners.

The Berlin Wall

Germany's capital (well it was Prussia's first) Berlin once had a wall running right through the middle. It was the dividing line between the Free World and Communism, good jeans and bad jeans, Good and Evil. This wall, however, was a sham. It was built from counterfeit Lego bricks cleverly painted by the Russians to look like concrete. Once the Berliners realised they had been fooled, they destroyed it — down to the last plastic curvy bit. It still took a while, though, because they weren't mega blocks.

Geography

Germany has huge forests, but it's advisable to avoid them or you might get savaged by a wild boar, a wolf, a Yeti, or a nudist.

You may also see the wild and very rare German chocolate moose. These wild yet very tame animals feast on corn and if approached will not attack yet have been known to smother the victim until dead. They normally appear only in winter as in summer they tend to melt.

The Frankfurter skyline

Turkey is attempting to relocate its capital in Germany by moving all of its citizens there. Their model is the illegal aliens from Mexico.

The main German cities are:

• Berliningrad, the biggest city in Germany and third largest Turkish City in the world.
• Hamburg, the birthplace of the hamburger.
• Frankfurt, the birthplace of the hot dog.
• Munich, largest village in the world and former nudist colony, also called Munich.
• Gelsenkirchen, founded when Dortmund ran out of car parks. Famous deutsche thrash metal band Wodos (or Sodom for non-metal fans) was founded here. \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/ \m/

Government

Chancellor Angela Merkel rules Germany with a sense of joie de vivre.

Germany had many different types of Government throughout the ages, some of which include Monarchy, Communism, Fascism, and Calligraphy.

The current Government is a dictatorship ruled by the benevolent General Dschinghiskhan and his Cabinet who rule over the country with an iron fist. The crime for treason (or putting your plastic in with your cardboard) is punishable by deportation to France.

Dschinghiskhan's greatest achievement is the German Purity Law (Das Reinheitsgebot), which is still in use. It was created to prevent people contaminating your pint of beer with vodka or a shot or two of Tequila when you’re in the toilet.

Foreign relations

A widespread diplomatic custom is to treat the foreign visitor in a humble but satisfying manner. The protocol for Hillary Clinton (lying) included the "firm hand procedure".

The current German chancellor was able to seduce George W. Bush even though she did not intend to do so and looks like a crossbreed between an AIDS-infested pit bull and a Orang utan. He even went so far as to try and give her a back rub. She responded by using her dark powers to suck his brains out, which led to the collapse of American economy and Bush's re-election.

The Germans have also been able to repeatedly send spies into the United States. Besides the first immigrants to the new world, some famous examples include Henry Kissinger (who intentionally prolonged the War in Vietnam so he would have more souls to feed on) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (who is currently on a secret mission to make California habitable for Austrians). Note how both of these individuals had excuses of not actually being German. Also note that the only people living on American soil claiming to be German are the Amish, who are NOT emissaries of destruction sent to Americastan but merely outcasts that weren't wanted anywhere.

Today, new species are allowed to join the German army, such as this Pokemon.

Due to the absence of leaders with square moustaches and influential Austrians, it is not expected that Germany will start World War III in near future. It will thus not be able to help the USA war itself out of a depression. Although they may actually help each other since they have something in common which is that they have both lost wars and two world wars (Germany only) so therefore help may be given to each other.

Immigration

In recent years, Muslims have been coming over to Germany, living off the government benefits. This has pissed off several Hitler fanatics that believe that all Germans should be pale-skinned, blue-eyed, blond, pure-blooded aryan males. Their only relief is that – in the words of their leader AdolfIsGreat88 – "... at least they aren't Jews."

Economy

Mercedes Benz and BMW have set up a joint venture to develop new, energy efficient vehicles.

Germany's chief export is the umlaut (ä, ö, ü) and the occasional ß. Germany also tops in the export of germs, and as its name suggests, they have many of them. Nudists are frequently exported from the country, however it is unsure if these are an export or merely Germany subtly trying to take over the world again.

A great deal of the German economy revolves around being unemployed. These lucky bastards spend their days doing nothing and getting paid for it, while periodically showing up at the Arbeitsamt (Jobcentre) to see if anyone has made up a job for them yet, like sorting trash, reading magazines or beer-tasting. Some Germans pretend to be unhappy with this unemployment situation, but really they're just jealous that approximately 11% of their neighbours get to enjoy it while the rest of them have to slug around in the office all day, not being able to drink beer beverages until at least lunchtime.

German cars are very reliable. Examples include the Mercedes, Audi, Trabant, Renault, Volvo and every Plumber's favourite, the Ford Transit van. BMWs are not actually made in Germany but imported from Greenland. The confusion arises from the national flower, the Rhodochiton Volubilis, which is more commonly known as the Black Man's Willy or BMW. This flower is used for everything from beer production to the substance which makes those sweets crackle on your tongue.

Science

Albert Einstein is known for his advances in the scientific field. He was quite a romantic poet as well.

“You utter fool! German science is the greatest in the world!”

~ Obligatory Jojo reference

The crazy mixed up prodigy of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Giuseppe the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean) in Germany, the young Genius discovered the secret to time travel. Upon reaching the late 1800's, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day.

This was later corrected by Giuseppe through the use of hot mustard. Giuseppe trained the young Einstein in his ways, including the secret style of penguino ninjitsu, along with the Hiten Mitsurgi Ryuu which was made famous by that red chicken of Japan. Giuseppe gave him the credit for the theory of Tiger Ballz. Later a giant chicken ball came and crushed Einstein, sending him into an alternate reality, and replacing him with the 615th reincarnation of the Evil Lord Xenu. He came back to the present and wrote this article.

Shortly after writing this article, Albert Einstein decided enough was enough, and he decided to try and change the world, via sleeping with Demetri Mendeleev, in an effort to create a new sub-race of humans, known as the nerds. He entered the time machine, and entered another time period. His time machine, however, was not working properly at the time, and it transported him to 1995. After partying with prostitutes in Portugal, Albert decided he must continue with his quest. With the aid of Steve Wozniak, Bill Gates, The Harlem Globetrotters, flava flav, and Pikachu, and after spending relentless hours playing in slam dunk contests, the men finally got the time machine fully operational. Unfortunately however, gay rights activists destroyed the time machine, and kidnapped and made love to Pikachu, somehow spawning an entire industry of homosexual game boy advance games, which are today referred to as Pokemon.

Germans invented the story of Al Qaida and George W. Bush.

Inventions

Germans invented everything. In fact the woman is an invention of German scientists in the late 1870's because of a riot in a bar that involved more than one man and a donkey. It is said that because of this incident a revolution was started in Germany with the invention of a woman. They are merely ghosts of what a real human is and are most likely descendants of early primal lemurs from the south of France. When you see the walls move, it means that one is coming and they will laugh at you. Lots of things contribute to this phenomenon but Germany is the number one culprit.

Culture

Germans are a talented bunch of sexy engineers, forceful leaders and intelligent entertainers.

People

Within every German national lies an unbelievable urge for world domination. Evidence of this can be seen in Germany's colourful past; for example, World War I and World War II.

The population comprises:

• Blue-eyed blond women lie around in parks with their tops off, perform mime and act in Indiana Jones films. The Poles say that cows are cuter.
• Humourless, athletic, tall, blue-eyed blond men who feed on beer, Sauerkraut, and smaller nations.

Although Germans are known as "Krauts" all over the world, the inhabitants call themselves Deutsche, which is German for "Not Funny". They are a super-organised and efficient race with second-to-none engineering skills. They also take holidays in other countries, which they call Blitzkrieg. During these vacations, they throw hissy fits when they encounter natives who can't speak German.

Society

They love their pets.

Beer, getting nude in city parks, doing vocal mime, getting nude on "reserved by the British" sun-loungers, eating sausages, and somehow being outbred by the French.

The Germans also love to go on holiday. In the past, the preferred method of travel was in large tours of maybe 10,000 by tank, although a select group of "extreme sport" lovers choose to travel by aircraft, which they jumped out of at their desired location.

Popular German vacation destinations have included 999, XDESAW, Sealand, Molossia, The Republic of Tesco, Dantooine, Naboo, Yugoslavia, Coruscant, Hell, Seaworld, Russia and literally most of the countries in Europe except Britain as Germans easily get sea-sick and the food tastes like shit anyway. Being in Britain also brings up bad memories of the war and this is likely to be followed up with a Arnold Schwarzenegger-like beat down.

A German holiday invasion can be spotted by large quantities of unattended Jägermeister bottles and dirty schnitzel plates around the pool. (They often complain about other countries associating them with the schnitzel although it was originally from Austria, yet they eat approximately twelve-and-a-half schnitzels a week.) A popular destination for the holidaying German is Spain, as is Turkey. In fact, so many Germans go there that most people wanting to visit Germany will find it more beneficial to just visit Spain or Turkey instead. That way you won't have to deal with the poor weather or the totalitarian recycling laws.

Germans have also been proven to have an unnatural obsession with David Hasselhoff (der Jesus, in German). For some inexplicable reason, the Germans, much like the French, consider copious amounts of body hair to be attractive. At any rate, every August 4, Germans all around the world gather together underneath a colour uncoordinated banner in celebration of Der Umlaut von Jesusburg ("The Running of the Hasselhoff") in the hopes that David Hasselhoff will grace their street and deliver unto them a portion of his magical chest hairs (interestingly enough, used as currency in Germany from 856 BC to 1875). Families with a large number of chest hairs celebrate with rounds of fine lager. Families with few chest hair send their children to work in mines.

Arts

Germany invented the Boy Band.

Germany's sole contribution to the arts is the New German Architecture (neudeutsche Architektur), synonymous with Kyle Jenkins, a narcissist better known for being a coward than an architect. Jenkins' influence on neudeutsche Architektur, marked by a blatant disregard for formalities in matter, form, frequency or time signature, can be traced to roots growing up in the Austrian hinterland, the sole member of a musically gifted dynasty with no relevant genetic inheritance. According to the German tabloid, Bild (conducted in graphic novel form in a series of exposes, published serially throughout the first half of the 1990's), points to the long-held speculation of the Jenkins' dynasty's familial ties to the Avignon Papacy, further conjecturing that Jenkins' Frankish mindset has led to an internal self-doubt. This schism, most notably expressed in his long-held antipathy for the German bourgeois and aristocracy, combined with his extreme aversion to proper rhythm, led to a particularly strong rivalry with Germany's Culture Minister, David Hasselhoff.

This brooding, and often violent, public feud culminated with the Hoff's co-option of Jenkins' primary architectural statement of the late 1980s. With the dawning of detante in the mid 1980's, Jenkins leveraged his growing architectural clout to push for a position as Cultural Liaison to the former Austrian Empire states. While the reasons for this were originally unclear, by the summer of 1989, the newly porous Hungarian border was seen by several notable art critics in Paris and Milan as being chiefly Jenkins' work. Largely viewed at the time as a performance art piece, Jenkins has suggested since that this was more correctly a subversion of Germanic structural rigidity. Regardless, the coup de grace staged several months later when Mr. Hasselhoff performed his mega hit "I've Been Looking for Freedom" atop the newly breached Berlin Wall, proved to be the decisive moment in the broader struggle between content and melody-for-melody's sake. Jenkins' retribution was big.

In the wake of the Greatculturewar, second wave deconstructivists originally laid claim to Jenkins as their own, though importantly Derrida avoided such appropriation attempts, noting that Jenkins' motivations were largely rooted in his own personal and familial experiences, and as such he had no real stance in regards to the central tenets of the belief. Jenkins himself used this hard fought victory against the Hoff to consolidate his control over the German cultural (thus the de facto architectural) scene, marking what most historians consider to be the real origins of the Neudeustcharchitecture. It is important to note, however, that while consensus exists on the origins of the movement, precise definitions are somewhat difficult to find.

The most eloquent poet and singer is known as Chinese.

Language

Originally, the German language was a scraggly little branch on the Proto Indo-European Language tree. Only to be knocked around and cursed by hundreds of generations of German students, this branch sought lebensraum and tried to divide Europe and try to conquer the world with words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Krankenhaus, Schmetterling, and Darmträgheit. The German language has helped kill millions and only turned around its bad act in the last half-century after having grown up and gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of Business. Many Germans with a modicum of common sense now speak English. German is left to those with speech impediments, horrible accents, and the desire to exaggerate every utterance.

Sports

“Deutschland stopfte die Weltmeisterschaft. Das ist alles, was ich zu sagen habe.”

~ Forrest Gump

Sebastian Vettel, in his Formula One winning white car

The German National Football Team is one of the best teams in the world as it just somehow dominates the European soil, although their performance is like a BMW. Below is their recent football jersey product launch in collaboration with Apple and Microsoft. This way they get their fans to purchase the sponsors' products too.

Mesut Özil, contemplating Real Madrid

Germany was an early adopter of football. They played their first international game on Christmas Day 1914 against a team of English Tommies. The match was eventually won by the English after the German team chased a long ball into a French minefield. In the 1930s Germany played against Austria and lost. In revenge, the team captain A.Hitler ordered an invasion of that country.

When Germany returned to football after the Second World War, the Allies tried to make it hard for Germany to win tournaments by dividing it into two separate countries. East Germany were never much good but the West Germans went on to win the 1954, 1974 and 1990 world cups. If they didn't win, they almost always made the final. After both the countries and the football squads were reunited, Germany went on to achieve somewhat better success.

Trivia

• Germany is the only nation that currently allows Hamsters to be airline pilots.
• The waffle was invented in Germany in 1939, and was originally known as the Luftwaffle.
• German children have been scientifically proven to be incapable of rational thought.

See also

• Order of the Nazi
• Diary of Anne Frank

Notes

Freaky German Stuff Varying geography: Germany - Austria - Switzerland (sort of) - That tiny country that may as well be Luxembourg - Berlin - Vienna - Netherlands - Luxembourg - Alsace - Belgium - West Berlin A Frightening people: Germans - Prussians - Bavarians - The Swiss - Luxembourgian - Angry German Kid - Liechtensteinian - Knut - Dr. Ruth - Claudia Schiffer Frightening leaders: Adolf Hitler - Otto Von Bismarck - Darth Hitler - Heinrich Himmler - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, or "Gerta" - Albert Einstein - Bertolt Brecht - Benedict XVI - Elizabeth II - Kurt Vonnegut - Nietzsche - Leo Strauss - Karl Marx - Uwe Boll - Herman the German Confusing language: German - Grammar Nazis - Umlaut - Hegel - Yiddish - Kant Unnerving Musik: Einstürzende Neubauten - Kraftwerk - Johann Sebastian Bach - Ludwig van Beethoven - Wolfman On-the-dais Moatsart - Gus Mauler - Paul Hindemith - Oomph! - 19-hour-long operas about gods wearing bear skins and helmets - Kreator - Blind Lemon Kraftwerk - Rammstein - Sodom Shameful history: House of Hangover - World War II - Nazism - Swastikas - Holocaust - Lolicaust - German Duplication - Berlin Wall - Death camps - 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse

Countries of Europe