UnNews:Donald Trump announces grand opening of the Sierra Gaza
Thursday, February 6, 2025
GAZA -- U.S. President and real estate mogul Donald J. Trump has announced the opening of a luxurious beach resort, right by the crystal clear waters of the Levantine Sea: the Sierra Gaza. Run by Chief Hotelier Benjamin Netanyahu, the new Trump Sierra Gaza resort will feature 360km2 of golfing, hiking, sunning, shopping, bathing, paragliding, and some of the finest food this side of the Euphrates. An opening date has yet to be confirmed, but Trump hopes to finish construction by 2027.
Trump, answering an AP reporter, said: "I saw some hairy protesters just outside the South Lawn screaming, 'Free Gaza!', and I thought, for free? All that land? I thought it was too good to be true, and in many ways it was. It was a wreck! A total mess! I asked [Israeli Prime Minister] Bibi how it got to be that way, and he said he just found it like that."
Benjamin "Not Disraeli, but Israeli" Netanyahu chimed in, "The past owners left so much unexploded Israeli and American ordnance just lying around. Talk about lazy. A child could get hurt walking around there! Imagine if a pregnant woman, or several, got caught under all that rubble?"
"It was a total flip, a complete makeover," newly minted Secretary of State Marco Rubio said, "We used a lot of terra cotta. We didn't know if we wanted to go Spanish Revival or Morrocan for the concept, so we did both!" To celebrate his Cuban roots, Rubio has also spearheaded the opening of a Chef inspired food truck inside the sprawling complex, ran by Jon Favreau himself. "He makes the best Cubanos in the mainland."
Little is known about what will happen to the 1.8 million Gazans already living there, although Trump hopes at least a portion of them could work on the resort as staff, or visit as tourists. "They could alternate, take turns," Trump said. "The rest, the King of Jordan has personally assured me that the Egyptians will take them all. And the Egyptians have assured me that the Jordanians will take them all, so between the two, we're pretty sure we got a lid on it, thank you."
When asked about the potential deployment of U.S. troops into Gaza, Sec. of State Hegseth could not rule out a U.S. military presence, but confirmed that any DoD staff could get 30% off lunches at the planned Momofuku there. "Momofuku, by David Chang, at the Gaza Strip. Coming 2027," Hegseth intoned.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- AAMER MADHANI, TIA GOLDENBERG and ZEKE MILLER (5 February 2025). Trump won’t rule out deploying US troops to support rebuilding Gaza, sees ‘long-term’ US ownership. Associated Press.