Airplane peanuts

A statue of famous philosopher Jerry Seinfeld mulling over the ancient question: What's the deal with airplane peanuts?

Airplane peanuts are a very strange form of really shitty peanut which seem to have some sort of primitive taste and texture. Airplane peanuts are largely identical to regular peanuts, except for the fact that man seems to have stricken some sort of mutual arrangement with these mysterious legumes. Even stranger still, nobody seems to know exactly what the agreement was, or what sort of consequences it entailed for either party; only that such a deal does, in fact, exist.

There are many theories as to what the aforementioned deal is regarding, although the true answer is probably lost forever in the sands of time. One theory indicates that humans possibly received some sort of benefit (possibly the power of observation, some scientists theorize) that in exchange for the extra toughness of the airplane peanuts' natural protective bag. This makes the protective layer significantly more difficult to break open than that of conventional peanuts. This theory is the most widely accepted one, although given the negotiating parties, it remains unclear exactly whom the airplane peanuts were attempting to keep from penetrating its protection.

Many great thinkers have pondered the issue for years, such as the famous philosopher Jerry Seinfeld. While no conclusive answer is ever expected to be reached, pondering the issue is, for some, is a visit to the Soup Nazi. Although asking your parents if you can masturbate in the shower produces the same results, my crown jewels are too fucking small for my woman.

The airplane peanut is its own variety of the species. They possess the ability to be constantly disgusting. Very few have ever lived to tell the tale about when the flight attendant was successfully thanked by the passenger after they had eaten the peanuts and somehow not fallen unconscious on the flight. Scientists have decided that these peanuts have telepathy. They can instantly order a flight attendant to become hostile. This is when the enraged stewardess will immediately threaten to hijack the plane and fly it to Iraq and Iran. Symptoms include:

• Hostility
• Hostile actions
• Enexplained flatulence
• PMS
• Post PMS PMS
• Explosions
• Hostile language
• FUCK!!
• Snakes probably on a plane somewhere
• Holocaust denial
• Aeroplane Penis

This is when the flight attendant will WHAP the peanut bag onto your tray. If you don't have your tray down, they will instead whap that shit directly at your testicles or your cunt. If the WHAP recipient wasn't killed by the initial blast, he/she/it will attack all adjacent passengers (including the WHAP recipient) with the remaining cans of soda left by rude passengers who don't want to find themselves having to apologises for filling the entire fucking cabin with toxic gas on their 5 hour flight (at best), or worse still an even longer flight!