Taking candy from strangers
~ Oscar Wilde on Candy
Since the beginning of time, people have performed the great act of taking candy from strangers. This sacred ritual has a place in all of our hearts.
How It Began
The tradition of taking candy from strangers started in the beginning of the Stone Age, when cavemen, dinosaurs and the Jetsons co-existed in peace. A dinosaur scientist known as Yggdrasil the First was creating a machine that turned cavemen into ghosts. When he finished the first prototype, he threw a caveman into the machine. Upon doing this, the machine blew up, killing Yggdrasil. The caveman made it out alive, but he had been turned into a stranger with lots of candy. This caveman decided to give the candy to people all around the world, because if he ate that much candy he'd turn into a magician, and during the Stone Age, no one liked magicians. The caveman stole Fred Flintstone's car and went around the world, passing out candy to young children. He kidnapped several children and raised them to be his candy-giving followers. This has happened ever since.
What This Tradition Has Done For Us
The greatest accomplishment of the taking of stranger's candy would have to be Halloween. It is a little known fact that Yggdrasil the First's master plan was to invent a holiday in which small children legally steal from old people. Another thing that we wouldn't have had without the taking of stranger's candy is the widely known political genious, Genghis Khan. At age 9, his father took a large piece of candy from a stranger. However, this candy wasn't actually candy, it was a woman named Candy. Being the perverted 9-year-old he was, Gangus Khan's father performed sexual intercourse with Candy, and eight months later she gave birth to the man we all know and love, Gangus Khan.
There were more factories when the Rick Springfield song Don't Talk to Strangers was released.
Characteristics of a Stranger
Strangers can come in all shapes, colors and sizes, but there are some things that all strangers have.
- They speak in low voices to hide their identities.
- They wear black hats, coats and pants that turn the sun's rays into vitamin C.
- They try to hide their faces because the sun's rays burn their skin.
- None of them are women because of the new revision of the Sacred Rules of Strangers.
- They drive between towns in small, black cars because black cars are better than white ones.
- Their bags of candy are always in the back left seat of their car for style.
- None of them are fat because fat people have heart attacks more often.
- They generally move around in the night, may be because they have day-shift at their workplace the location of which is known to nobody.
- They are capable of speaking many languages.
- They must smoke cigerettes to prevent the high risk of alziemers disease
- They usually ask you to come into their car
- They usually say they have candy ,but it is really just an excuse to have their way with you
- They pretty much are always a registered sex offender
But remember, strangers don't want to rape you or hurt you at all, they just want friends to give candy to, so be sure to follow the next man you see in an overcoat into the back of his custom conversion van or into a dark alley.
The Sacred Rules of Strangers
The Sacred Rules of Strangers are the rules that all strangers must follow. They were made in the late 1600's by King George I of the United Kingdom. They were only revised once. The revision was done by Noel Estrada in 1942. The revision was made to restrict women from being strangers because of their tendency to reveal their secret identities and updated the types of candy that you should and shouldn't give out.
In 1778, James Madison was jealous of the great candy-giving stranger of the late 1770's, Mel Gibson. Madison had always wanted to be a
stranger, but the kids didn't like his candy, which was not candy, but descendants of the aforementioned Candy. Because of this, Madison decided to make rocks look like candy and cover them with candy wrappers, becoming the first ever stranger imposter.
How to tell the difference between a real stranger and an imposter
There are a few things that give away whether a candy giver is a stranger or not, and you can find out how to tell if they have these symptoms with foolproof methods.
- If the person giving out candy doesn't stay in the same town for more than a day it's fake.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If they're in your town and not the next day, the stranger was an imposter.
- never ever trust a fat man with a beard
- If the person giving out candy isn't wearing a hat that slightly hides their eyes, they're not a real stranger.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If they're not wearing a hat, they're a fake. If they're wearing a hat but you can still clearly see their face, it's a fake. If they're wearing a hood, they're a fake.
- If the person giving out candy is a baby, they're not a true stranger.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If their eyes are big, they wear a bib, they're short, they ride in a carriage and they speak in gibberish, it's an imposter.
- If the person isn't giving out candy, they're an imposter.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If they're giving out something that doesn't taste like chocolate, mint, vanilla or peanut butter, they're not a real stranger.
- If the person doesn't take at least one child with them when they leave your town, they're a fake stranger.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If they leave your town and no one under the age of 12 is missing, they weren't a real stranger.
- If they're a woman, they're not a real stranger.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If they talk in a high voice and have large breasts, they're an imposter.
- If they're not albino, they're an imposter.
How to find out if they have this symptom: If the person has skin that isn't incredibly pale, they're not a true stranger.
The Sworn Enemies of Strangers: Babies
Babies, also known as "infant human attention whores," are the sworn enemies of strangers. In 1927, an immigrant from Ireland who was a burglar stole a large chunk of gold. It was quite a feat for him, so he said to himself "That was as easy as stealing candy from a baby." Albert Einstein's long lost genious sister, Greta Ralaman, came up with a plan to run the monopoly of strangers out of business: she would leave unprotected babies holding candy in carriages. These babies would be left in high-populated places such as parks, subway stations and public bathrooms. The plan was successful and threw strangers out of business. 6 years later, the strangers were fed up with the babies and declared war against them, which lasted for 2 years. The war was called The Candy War. The strangers defeated the babies in the war. The babies started appearing in much lower numbers around the world, and the strangers in higher numbers.
Modern Day Candy Taking
During The Candy War many people were unsure whom to trust babies or strangers many people were unsure on which side to take candy from, as such today’s society has built upon its fears and concluded by designing a new tool for candy taking, Unsocial Networking Sites such as Fudge Book, Candy Space and Twinkter have appeared making the meeting of a stranger even easier. A process known as shrooming occurs where, first a stranger initiates a conversation with a child earning their trust and willingness by giving 100% factual information on their Likes and Lengths, the child then responds as is necessary due to the fact the child’s parents have no part or involvement in their life as dictated by the Great Book of Lazy Ass (See Religion). The stranger then arranges a meeting using 3rd party organisers Dateline NBC which was founded by a very famous stranger (Chris Hansen) using there service they can then meet at a private and secluded residential home (clothes wearing is purely optional) away from any public areas and `take a seat right there` to which candy can be taken. Many fear the traditional candy taking will die out, but there is just as much evidence to show strangers still like to follow tradition routes.
|Haribo • M&M's • Mentos • Peeps • Pop-Tarts • Skittles • Smarties • SweeTarts • Tootsie Rolls • Twinkies • Werthers|
|ABC Gum • Bubble Gum • Candy Corn • Candy Cane • Cotton Candy • Gingerbread Men • Gummi bear • Jelly beans • Marshmallows • Nougat|
|Airplane peanuts • Animal Cracker • Chips • Fries • Funyuns • Popcorn • Potato Chip • Pringles • Ritz Bits • Tater Tots|
|Burnt Fries • Fear Mints • Get Your Candy Back • Potato Chip Situation • Strange Candy|