Nougat

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nougat.
Nougat bar

The creamy goodness that shall rule the universe, Nougat is the greatest substance in the world. It has many functions and can be used as a bike, bus, car, truck, river, pool, vibrator, cell phone, grass, clouds, blood, etc. Generally white and fluffy, this versatile substance is pure Nougatonium, and therefore it is also pure awesome.

Nougat is:

  1. Edible
  2. Non-perishable
  3. Yes.
  4. Highly explosive
  5. White
  6. Tasty
  7. Awesome
  8. Self-referential
  9. Emits radiation
  10. Not Spam
  11. Invisible
  12. Bisexual.
  13. A spermicide.
  14. ^What that guy said.
  15. The former bassist of Red Hot Chili Peppers before being eaten by Flea.
  16. The voice of Jesus in some cartoon.
  17. Commonly used in cannons
  18. Used by the Pope to keep his Pope-hat stuck to his head on windy days
  19. Not at all related to Nugget
  20. A mild detergent
  21. In all of us
  22. Nougatty
  23. Pretty much everything.

Origin[edit]

Nougat was originally discovered when a nuclear engineer was making his breakfast and accidentally spilled uranium into his omelet. He then went to the cupboard to see if there was anything else to eat, and discovered some nougat.

Location[edit]

Generally, it is found in candy bars. It is also found in:

  1. Soviet Russia
  2. Everywhere
  3. Your Mother
  4. The vaginas of women with Chlamydia

Uses[edit]

As described above, nougat can be used in almost anything, anywhere. This is because nougat is random. So random, in fact, that we only detected its randomness with randomly calibrated randomometers. When this was discovered, a tiny kitten imploded. Mostly, nougat is eaten.

Many people like to use it to masturbate.

Catchphrases[edit]

  1. Nougat, nougat, nougat.
  2. How can it be spam if its covered in delicious chocolate?
  3. I came, I saw, I ate nougat.
  4. Nougat, nougat, wherefore art thou nougat?

Role in History[edit]

Nougat has played an important part in the history of the world. Without it, much would be different.

Civil World War II[edit]

During the Second World War II, when the northern hemisphere was fighting the southern hemisphere, there were so many casualties on either sides, that both sides completely ran out of medical supplies. Thus, they were forced to use nougat in the place of anesthetic, salves, and sometimes even blood. Many died as a result, but it was later discovered that they had the wrong blood type.

Assassinations[edit]

Nougat is the weapon of choice for many assassins - easy to poison and slip into food, dense enough to be used as a blunt object, yet cohesive enough to fire from the barrel of a gun - nougat has many properties that make it a weapon of choice for cloak and dagger techniques.

  • Caesar Julius - stabbed by a nougat knife
  • Abraham Lincoln - shot by a nougat pistol
  • George W. Bush - choked on a nougat pretzel
  • Martin Luther King Jr - slipped on some nougat and fell down some stairs

Scientific Discoveries[edit]

Nougat has played a major role in historic scientific discoveries, itself being one. In fact, nougat aided in its own discovery via a temporal paradox. While wearing socks. Inside a box.

Due to the fact that it emits radiation (Gamma, Alpha, Beta, Delta Epsilon Psi...) it is used in many pieces of scientific equipment that has no use whatsoever. Who needs a laprascope anyway?

Famous Buildings[edit]

Due to its sturdy yet pliable nature, nougat is exceptionally suited in construction. Basically a brick with its own mortar, nougat has been used to construct everything from from skyscrapers to sausage factories.

A few famous buildings constructed with nougats:

  • St. Louis Arch
  • Niagara Falls
  • San Fransisco Bay
  • Empire State Building
  • Jedi State Building
  • Not-So-Great Wall of China
  • Heathrow Terminal 5

A small note: Nougat factories are usually built out of nougat, and are thus self-perpetuating.

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