Werthers original candies are a brand of candy that was originally created by satan in the year 1437AD in Germany. The company had difficulty at first as the european candy market had plummeted since the great Coca-Cola-Pepsi conflict of 14296AD.
Satan nurtured the fledgling brand from its humble beginnings and then further into its humble days after its humble beginnings. In the early years, loosely defined as somewhere between the humble beginnings and the days after the humble beginnings, many children got bowel cancer from eating too many of the sweet sweet candies.
In order to improve the brand's image, and to foster less bowel cancer related deaths, Satan signed a pact with the devil. He then wrapped the candies individually and lowered the price.
Today, many children's hearts are warmed by the buttery taste as it glides down their little throats and gets lodged somewhere midway through their intestine.
Use as a Terror Weapon
During the Second world war (Which Hitler won on points, but lost on deaths) Werthers sweet sweet candies were sprinkled over allied cities by German bombers. This was originally designed as an act of friendship, but so many people's colons ruptured due to eating them that the British took it as an act of war, and promptly redoubled the attacks on Germany. Many people mistakenly believe that the British bombers were aiming for the Cities of Germany, but they are wrong. The Bombers were always aiming for the Werthers original factores (Which composed 97.6% of Germanys Toxic chemical and Oil Industry at that time) in order to stop the Germans eating the sweets and dying. The Germans took this as an act of war, and sprinkled more candies from their bombers in an attempt to calm the situation down. Many people today still find uneaten Werthers originals lodged in the earth from that fateful age. For the love of god don't eat them, The lack of eating has caused all the sugars in them to degrade into Cyanide and arsenic. (which would probebly help, seeeing as if you eat werthers Originals, Your death will be slow and painful as your Intestines slowly pull themselves out your anus.)
There have been many theories as to what exactly is in a werthers:
- Melted plastic from old Star Wars collectibles
- Melted plastic from old Star Wars collectibles enriched with the force
- 2 parts butter, 1 part sugar, and 3 parts evil
- 1 part butter, 2 part sugar, and 3 parts evil
- Manbearpig excrement (Note: you must be totally cereal when adding this component or bad things could happen)
It has been speculated that werthers is linked to the occult. Many witches, goblins, and President Bush are often seen eating this candy on a regular basis. In recent years there has also been an increase in bowel cancer in witches, but some have speculated that this is due to their love various sex acts that have nothing to do with this article.
Also, if you suck on a werthers candy while using a ouija board, it is claimed that the candy will become ice cold. Spooky, no?
Werthers in Fiction
- In the cult favorite - Ernest Takes a Nap, Ernest chokes on a werthers in his sleep, soils himself, and dies(along with his career).
- In Terminator 2, the factory at the end of the movie is actually a werther's candy factory. After T1000 falls into the molten Werther's candy goo, the candies created have tiny nano robots inside them. This then becomes the premise for the next terminator movie: terminator 3:Let's get silly.
- The book The Outsiders is based on the authors experience after eating Werther's candy as he waited outside.
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