Ritz bits sandwiches

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Two parts cracker, one part filling, four parts delicious?!

Ritz Bits sandwiches are bite size (that is to say, roughly the size of a quarter, which has been universally determined as the optimal size for the aforementioned biting) snack foods consisting of two miniature Ritz crackers framing in a filling of cheese, peanut butter, or S’mores. Pizza filling also enjoyed a brief run but this flavor was ultimately canceled, primarily as a result of public outcry (some commented that eating a pizza flavored Ritz Bits sandwich was the equivalent of taking a coping saw to your tongue, or perhaps worse, eating a poorly made pizza squished between two crackers), but also because the Pizza variety faced mounting pressure from the Italian American community for alleged blasphemy of their idolized delicacy. Peanut butter and jelly flavored Ritz Bits sandwiches still exist (despite the constant and valiant campaigning from everyone who hates them, that is, everyone who has ever tried them), but legislation is currently in the works that will prevent the combination of peanut butter and jelly from being served on crackers, or anything other than bread. It is perhaps important to note that such legislation has crept to a standstill as a debate over whether or not toast constitutes as bread has surfaced, as well as another sub debate: who would even put peanut butter and jelly on toast, anyway?

Corporate information[edit | edit source]

2% milk, 98% corrupt

Ritz Bits sandwiches are licensed to Nabisco which is a subsidiary of the giant food conglomerate, Kraft. Kraft is widely known for having a stranglehold on all dairy aspects of the food market (one could say that they have a "firm grasp of the udders") and thanks to its large sphere of influence, is said to be one of the world's most dominant businesses. There are even credible links between Kraft and the George Bush administration, including questionable ties to the Florida recount (This came to light when ballots cast for Al Gore that were apparently not included in the final tallies began surfacing in packs of Kraft singles). In later 2005 Nabisco made national news when reports of hideous working conditions and forced child labor surfaced from internal sources. The investigation was eventually dropped when Paul Lemont, who was put in charge of the case, was allegedly offered a lifetime supply of Ritz Bits sandwiches.

Ritz Bits sandwiches are commonly regarded as the best snack food ever made, as not only are they incredibly tasty but they are also impeccably healthy. Studies have shown that a diet high on Ritz Bits sandwiches poses a lower risk for all STDs, provided that the diet is complemented by a life of safe sex practices.

Ritz Bits sandwiches ranked 1-3 on Orson's "top 100 snack foods that will change your life," for the cheese, S'mores and peanut butter flavors, respectively.

History[edit | edit source]

Ritz bits sandwiches were developed partially by accident by American scientist Millard Thoreau. Alone in his makeshift laboratory (his mother’s basement), Thoreau was attempting to create a type of transmitter that would allow him to broadcast his own radio station dedicated entirely to "sick as hell techno beats" he developed on his computer. He attempted to complete this task by fusing two untwisted coat hangers (the creation of an illegal radio station has been noted as the second most common use for untwisted coat hangers) together with the heat generated from a glue gun. Although his scientific endeavor to create such a device resulted in a complete failure, a miracle occurred when the two snacks Thoreau happened to be indulging in while working, Ritz crackers and cheese, toppled onto the desk and into the heat of the gun.

To Thoreau’s surprise, the heat from the glue gun was intense enough to melt the cracker and cheese together into a creation vaguely resembling a sandwich (this may possibly the origin of the snack's name, citation needed). Not one to let snacks go to waste, Thoreau ate the fused cracker and determined after a very brief period of deliberation that it was delicious. He later emulated the results, this time using a traditional oven rather than a glue gun, and came to the conclusion that the mini sandwiches were even better without the glue.

Next came Thoreau’s attempt to market his creation to the world. In an attempt to get the word out on his new snack invention, he once again began construction a makeshift broadcaster. This time, while attempting to fuse the coat hangers, he accidentally poked his eye out. This was especially embarrassing for Thoreau, as only recently had he managed to persuade his mother to allow him to use coat hangers in his scientific research, her argument against it being "you'll poke your eye out." Despite this, Thoreau continued in his efforts to bring his invention to light; he tried methods such as standing in the middle of the street and shouting and painting over already existing billboards. Unfortunately, he met little success. As soon as Nabisco caught wind of Thoreau’s creation, they blocked all of his possible routes of action with trademark and copyright legislation.

Then, on July 15th, 1964, nearly four months after Thoreau’s original discovery, a landmark negotiation was reached between Nabisco and Thoreau. Nabisco reimbursed Thoreau for his “scientific ingenuity,” effectively meaning that they bought off his idea. They proceeded to mass market the delectable little treats, much to the joy of the modern world.

The snack was well received the world over and brought an instant end to racial tensions in the US and also ushered in an era of detante between the United States and the USSR in the Cold War. Thoreau was originally expected to receive the Nobel Peace Prize that year, but his untimely death caused the award to end up in the hands of a close friend of his, Martin Luther King Jr.

Common Practices[edit | edit source]

Ritz Bits Sandwiches are most commonly employed by mothers that love their kids enough to feed them but not enough to stop and take the time to make a real sandwich. They are also commonly seen as part of a buffet at crucial negotiations between businesses as their delicious nature easily melts tension away.

Recently, the sandwiches have been deployed in Iraq as a counter terrorist measure.

Fighting hunger AND terrorism

Since the inception of Operation Ritz Bits Freedom last month, Terrorism in the middle east has reduced by over 78%, reducing the amount of daily bombings to only 24.

Ritz Bits sandwiches were also used in the construction of the empire state building as support struts. The building still remains the tallest to be supported by a delicious snack good. Skeptics worry that over time the crackers will deteriorate and the building will eventually collapse, but Ritz enthusiasts dispel these rumors with the fact that Ritz Bits Sandwiches never deteriorate. Ever.

Recent study shows that if you drop a Ritz Bits sanchwich off of the Empire State Building, it will break when it hits the bottom.

Conspiracies[edit | edit source]

There are no conspiracies over Ritz Bits Sandwiches; everyone agrees that they are absolutely delicious. Except Mewtwo.


Health and nutrition[edit | edit source]

Doctors unanimously agree (that's 5 out of 5 doctors, sucka!) that an increase in Ritz Bits Sandwich intake directly corresponds with a likewise increase in health. Ritz Bits Sandwiches are incredibly high in both protein and calcium and a single cracker fulfills the recommended daily intake of vitamin A (vitamin awesome), just ask Steve-O.

Cheese, the most common filling in Ritz Bits Sandwiches, is produced with casein, a substance that breaks down, when digested by humans, into several chemicals including casomorphine, an opiate. The peanut butter filling, one of the most popular Ritz Bits Sandwich fillings, is known to contain traces of highly concentrated amounts of bat guano. The guano in the sandwiches is known to be chemically engineered to break down into several different chemicals once ingested by a living being. The chemicals include bat guano, morphine, codine, traces of tar, concentrated amounts of nicotine, and even traces of pesticides. Cheese and other Ritz Bits Sandwich fillings are (and, to a lesser extent, other dairy products are) therefore suspected by some to play a role in behavioral disorders among children, especially with regards to autism. When combined with the sodium in the salt on the Ritz crackers, they prove to kick start a biological chain reaction within some small children that could possibly lead to them being far too epic for their parents to properly handle.

Ritz Bits Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Ritz Bits sandwiches are baked, not fried.
  • Unlike goldfish, Ritz Bits sandwiches find it unnecessary to constantly flaunt that fact around.
  • For a brief time, beer was used as a filling type in Germany.
  • For an even shorter time, human hair was used as a filling type in Germany.
  • You know exactly what kind of human hair I'm talking about.
  • Ritz Bits sandwiches make the perfect video gaming snack because they leave very little residue on the fingers.
  • You probably shouldn't combine video game playing with eating on a regular basis. Go outside every once in a while.
  • Ritz Bits sandwiches are delicious.

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