Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

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Behold the horror!

“However, I became Tooty McGee for the following 24 hours after ingesting these hell bears. These weren't just typical farts, mind you. These had the propulsion to launch me out of my chair. The smell was similar to that of a pig... If that pig was vomited up by another pig, that also happened to have been pooped out my a mongoose.”

~ Man on farting after eating the candy.

“What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.”

~ Man on Poisoning after eating the candy

Haribo sugarless gummy bears seem like your everyday gummy bear, but in reality they're just Satan's cum condensed. In fact, in NO situation should you eat this evil of a candy unless you want to torture yourself with a gastrointestinal distress like nothing you have ever experienced, even worse than eating raw oysters from the Victoria harbor. Why you would watch zombie movies while you CAN become a zombie yourself?

Symptoms[edit]

A zombie after eating a Haribo gummy bear. He will then fart frantically and die.

The candy does not taste bad, at least it does taste like a typical gummy bear. However, after eating a couple dozen (you will, just like most candies), all hell breaks loose. The first symptoms are cramps in the stomach which feel like getting hit by a gigantic multi-hit shockwave that kills you instantly, then Satan and his legion of demons will set up camp in your digestive tract and you will start farting like the demon's trumpet and the smell of your farts will be the smell of 66666 pairs of rotten teeth trying to sing Beethoven's symphonies. After about 5 minutes Satan will start his infiltration into your digestive tract and you will start to have blast diarrhea that is comparable to a rocket setting off from a launch station, combined with the looks of watery beef soup mixed with 3 cups of sawdust and the smell of the flesh of somebody that has taken krokodil for 4 years, each day nonstop. Then you will stay in the toilet succumbing to Satan's attack on your digestive tract for 3 to 4 hours and the diarrhea will blast from your anus like Niagara Falls and be hot like molten chocolate. You will also start wiping your anus until it's hot and red and you will struggle between sleeping in the toilet and farting because the diarrhea will drain all your energy and sanity away. Your legs will have cramps because you sit in the toilet so long as well. When you get out the toilet, you will become insane after seeing images of gigantic swarms of diarrhea-inducing gummy bears trying to stuff your anus just like the worst hentai from Pixiv.

Seriously. What you saw above this line was all true. So are the things below this line.

How can you use these gummy bears to your own profit[edit]

  • Send it to your office as a cruel joke. Make sure you DO NOT eat them. When about 5 to 6 of your enemies eat them, lulz ensues and you can sit behind the scenes as diarrhea fireworks play.
  • Use them to feed random dogs. when dogs eat them, they shit bricks. Especially when encountering a stray Rottweiler who is guaranteed to give you rabies.
  • Feed it to the zombies so they will fart and die. This is an excellent weapon against zombies as they will still eat it anyway.
  • Turn it into a DeviantART or Pixiv fetish. (The latter is not recommended unless you are Japanese.)

See also[edit]