Top Gun
“You can be my wingman, if you know what I mean?”
Top Gun was a 1986 action film starring pre-$cientology Tom Cruise, revolving around two gay Navy pilots, Pete "Hotshot Jackass" Mitchell, and his lover porn salesman special friend, referred to only as "Drake". The movie opened among worldwide protests calling for its banning and launching of every copy into deep space. One of the only notable features of this project was that it actually involved people flying in jets, unlike previous films about pilots, which mostly revolved around the main character getting laid, his best friend dying, and the character saving the day from the big, bad Russians. Oh wait...
Plot[edit | edit source]
Some time in the 1900s, Navy pilots Pete "Hotshot Jackass" Mitchell and his buddy from the porn shop, Drake, and two dudes who they met a few minutes ago were cruising around Russian airspace and out of nowhere two Russian guys with cool helmets in cool black planes showed up and wanted to party. "Hotshot Jackass" (hereafter referred to as Falcon) had heard a story about how his sister had sex with one of the Russians, and tried to kill both of them. Falcon and Drake's friends didn't appreciate them killing their buzz, so they and the Russian guys went back to land and party some more.
After the fight, Falcon and Drake went back to their party boat, where the commander told them they had to sober up and head off to California for some kind of pilot training thing. Falcon was pissed that California allowed gay marriage, but Drake reminded him that he's "always behind you while we're flying, so why not?" He agreed with Drake's undeniable logic, and they began their journey to California.
Falcon and Drake soon arrived at the pilot training thing, and were welcomed by a local prostitute at a bar, from whom Drake received a $5 bj in the ladies bathroom. Drake also told Falcon about Iceboy, another pilot in town for the training, who frequently pissed himself while flying, and wouldn't be much of a threat. The next day, Falcon and Drake discovered that the local prostitute from the bar was one of their instructors, and Drake flipped her off in a re-enactment of their fight with the aforementioned Russians. She smashed a chair over Drake's head, and a skirmish ensued, ending with Drake raping the prostitute while all the pilots watched and a few videotaped.
Afterward, Falcon and Drake flew in their plane while desperately trying to stay alive in the combat that was definitely real and not a training exercise. They finally won after many minutes of flying which was accompanied by some '80s rock. Unfortunately they had broken the rules of the training exercise (Damn, I caught myself in a lie. Sorry) that definitely wasn't going on, and were severely punished. Falcon then proceeded to have more sex with the prostitute/instructor. Drake had a wife and kid, though, so he was limited to watching.
While all of this sex-having, plane-flying fun was going on, Iceboy and his masturbation partner Skater (as in figure-) were plotting the downfall of that cocky bastard Falcon, and the slightly less cocky/bastardly Drake. During another training exercise, Iceboy flew in front of Falcon and stopped quickly, much like one might to collect car insurance money when the driver behind you hits you in the rear bumper (this is not advised for drivers of Ford Pintos, as it is highly likely that your car will blow up, and then you'll have to pay for medical bills, plus guys with third degree burns on 85% of their body generally don't get laid. That would suck, but not literally, of course). Falcon began to spin and roll quickly, because he thought he was on fire (Sorry, wrong movie. Damn Will Ferrel, that funny bitch). Drake tried to jump out, but was violently chopped in half by the plane. After landing in the water that seemed to appear out of nowhere (they were flying in the god damned desert, where the hell did they get water to land in?), Falcon held the grotesquely disfigured and ground up Drake for the last time, before being taken by a helicopter (Aliens? Maybe).
It later turned out that Drake wasn't that badly hurt, and just required a couple of band-aids and he was back to normal. However, he went to cross the road and was hit by a bus. Falcon could do nothing but watch as his friend was splattered, smashed, smeared and spread across the street for a few miles. He tried committing suicide, but wasn't manly enough to go through with it, so he just quit the Navy, like a little bitch. After rejoining the Navy like a little bitch, he was called by some of his old Navy friends. They told him that the Russian fucks were talking shit about him since he had went to California. Falcon went back to his old party boat to kick some Russian ass, along with Iceboy, who was sincerely apologetic for killing Drake, but not so much for trying to kill Falcon.
Iceboy's wingman was shot down by the Russkis, and he was pretty pissed about it. Falcon was on his way, but it was clear that he had no intention of helping Iceboy. After a few minutes of screwing around and letting the Russians rape and fondle Iceboy, Falcon remembered that he had some ass-kickin' to do, and took out all of the sweet black Russian planes single-handedly. Later, he had more sex with the prostitute from the beginning, remember the one?
Spoiler Alert[edit | edit source]
Drake dies in a spectacular plane crash. The explosion on the ground causes other casualties as well. Among the victims is also Peter Parker's uncle Ben as collateral damage.
Sequels[edit | edit source]
Top Gun 2: Falcon just came out on the internet today, freely available in VHS quality similar to that of the original. It features some awesome flight sequences. At the end of the movie, Baby Drake flies with Falcon. They steal an old F-14 from the enemy, take out two 5th generation air superiority fighters and are saved from the third one by Hangman in the last moment after they run out of ammo.
Spoiler Alert[edit | edit source]
The football game on the beach includes one girl this time around in an apparent attempt by Skydance and Paramount to make the movie more appealing to the non-gay community.
Moral of the Story[edit | edit source]
If there is anything the '80s has taught us, it is that the best way to avoid machine gun fire from another airplane is to do a snazzy barrel roll and that by appearing in the most homo-erotic movie of all time is the best way to make sure that nobody ever questions your sexuality again. Oh wait....
Criticism[edit | edit source]
- Many audiences feel the film's plot didn't support Communism enough. As to what the hell that has to do with anything, I'm just as lost as you.
- Some audiences expressed a desire for more pornographic content, including scenes between Falcon and Drake, Falcon and Iceboy, Falcon and self, Falcon and a chipmunk, etc.
- Another group felt the film wasn't futuristic enough. Apparently anything set in "Present Day" is supposed to have space aliens, George W. Bush being elected to a second term (come on, nobody saw that coming) and a mutant monkey virus that takes over the British Isles. Go figure.
- Shouldav been filmed in Canada.
"Secks"[edit | edit source]
In the credits, one of the stunt pilot's codename was named Secks. You know what this means...
- Don't worry, Secks is on your side. I repeat, Secks is on your side.
- Lil Mosey doesn't know Secks. Anyway, what is Lil Mosey doing in the Top Gun cast? Oh, making sure this thing isn't racist. Yeah, right.
- IM IN DEEP SHIT SECKS! COME RIGHT NOW!