JetBlue Airways

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JetBlue !!

JetBlue is an airline, founded in 1998. A low-cost airline, JetBlue is well known for the many amenities offered to passengers, such as free TV, Satellite Radio, massages, Pink Champagne on ice, Racquetball, and, of course, the obligatory Skymall. According to the company website, JetBlue "Strives to bring humanity back to air travel... and by 'humanity' we mean pilots that will lovingly leave passengers out on the tarmac for 8 hours. But with love!" JetBlue serves a key niche of people who, according to Lionel Irving of The Onion, "would fly Southwest [Airlines] if they did not treat their passengers like a border collie would sheep."

The standard apparel for any and all flight attendants on JetBlue.

History[edit | edit source]

Jet Blue was founded by David Neeleman, a former electronics salesman. According to Neeleman's wife, "he had tons of touch screen televisions just lying around in the basement. So, on day, David came up to me and said, 'Vicki, I'm going to take all these televisions and start my own airline.'" Though it had an at best rocky start, it eventually gained market capital and several focus cities. It was one of the few airlines to profit after 9/11, with one passenger saying "the only thing that will make me fly now is free chocolate fondue fountains and a man who stands outside of the airplane restroom handing me towels and breath mints." Also, JetBlue has a frequent flyer program so you can sit in the executive lounge and laugh at frustrated people trying to find their gates and have the entertainment of steeling money from the people sleeping in Lazy Boys. Just don't steal the champagne they get pissed at that. Oh the magic of low cost cheap airlines.

Amenities[edit | edit source]

A standard JetBlue landing. No champagne was harmed in this landing

JetBlue is arguably most famous for its many amenities. Though some airlines have copied some of JetBlue's lesser amenities,[1] JetBlue is still the only airliner to feature a house band in every flight. Generally a versatile group, they start out as a string quartet, playing all of Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons". Later in the flight, they switch to rock, with their first song usually being "Life in the Fast Lane", by the Eagles.

All of JetBlue's seats are made from leather from Kobe-style Wagyu cows. These cows are raised in Japan and are massaged every day from youth to ensure the finest quality cows, and fed with sake every day in accordance with Japanese tradition. This leather graces the tops of seats made with NASA-designed Tempur material and a frame of ebony and mahogany. Below each seat is a foot bath heated to exactly 92.64 degrees Fahrenheit, and featuring Jets that pulsate to the rhythm of J.S. Bach's "Toccata and in Fugue D Minor".

The airline also features The Garden Room, a five-star eating establishment, at the rear of every plane. According to the aforementioned Mr. Irving, "They serve food of the highest calibre. In fact, I've never even been offered Foie Gras topped with imported truffle oil and saffron on any other airliner!" At the center of these restaurants is a fountain, made from fine imported Venetian marble, depicting the greek Titan Uranus. According to Neeleman, "the fountains contain a rendering of Uranus because he was the Titan of the skies, and the father of Venus, the goddess of beauty... Also, I enjoy extremely immature humor."

Incedents[edit | edit source]

JetBlue is infamous for its allegations of misconduct. Most notably, JetBlue has come under fire for keeping its passengers on the tarmac for over eight hours after landing. Accounts from the passengers, however, seem to indicate that they did not mind the wait. "It was loads of fun!" said Phineas Denisovich, aged 32. "We were making Zen rock gardens at the time while sipping on 60 year VVSOP Tawny port. Later, we switched to couples Badminton whilst feasting on Fugu. Grand!"

JetBlue has only had one instance where it was forced to emergency land. This emergency landing was caused by the landing gear locking up. While it has not been proven, it was generally assumed to come from a plane-wide Viennese Waltz, with the band playing Strauss' five most famous waltzes during the process. In response, Neeleman limited JetBlue to only three waltzes per flight. [2] It is also notable that, when attempting to emergency land the plane at LAX, the pilot referred to the other planes on the tarmac as "those proletarian junk heaps" and apparently told the air traffic controller to "get those plebeians off of our precious airspace!" JetBlue has not responded to these allegations.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. I'm looking in YOUR direction, Song!
  2. This policy that has been looked on with much resentment. In fact, the aforementioned Mr. Denisovich said he "can't believe "Tales From the Vienna Woods" was never preformed."