SAT

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

~ High school students on their SAT scores.

“Suck Aunt's Tits”

~ Yale University Students on What SAT Stands for

The SAT is the single most important test you will ever take in your entire life. EVER. Seriously. How well you do on your SAT will determine how good a college you get into, how good your job will be, and how hot your wife will be. If you do a good job on your SAT, your entire existence will be blessed with luck and good fortune, you will make millions of dollars, you will have several wonderful children, and you will live a very long and prosperous life. Likewise, if you do badly on the test, you will live out a long, hard, miserable existence, you won't have any friends, no girls will like you, you will die a lonely, bitter old man, and nobody will remember you. Seriously, if you get a bad score on your SAT, you might as well just put a bullet through your head and avoid the long, painful, meaningless existence you'd otherwise have to endure. But don't stress about taking the test. Remember that if you do not do well you will be punished just like a little Ethiopian child in a torture chamber.

Below, we have an entire SAT prepared for you to take. Be sure to have a number 2 pencil handy. If you use anything else aside from a #2 pencil, your test will be immediately burnt, The FBI will raid your bedroom, seize your pink barbie blanket, show it on international television, make you dance while dressed like a circus clown, you will receive a zero and be attacked by everybody in the school.

No pressure, right?

Section 1: ESSAY

Time - 4.5 seconds... BETTER GET STARTED!

Turn to Section 1 of your answer sheet to write your ESSAY.

The following essay allows you to creatively express your worthless opinion and show us how fast your hand can move. Take time, but not too much time, to develop your point of view and use your language precisely.

Your answer must be written on the provided answer sheet. You will receive no other paper on which to write. You will have enough space if you write on every line and write legibly.

You will have four and a half seconds to write an essay on the topic below. DO NOT WRITE ON ANOTHER TOPIC. AN OFF-TOPIC ESSAY WILL RECEIVE A SCORE OF ZERO AND IS PUNISHABLE BY RAPE BY EACH MEMBER OF THE COLLEGE BOARD! YOUR FACE WILL BE IN THE WALL OF SHAME AND YOU WILL BE ON THE COMMIE LIST!

Many believe that the SAT is a test designed by a shadow government attempting to reform America into a subservient nation where all thoughts will be expressed by bubble choices. ~ Oscar Wilde

Assignment: What is your opinion on Wilde's claim? I mean, he's wrong, right? RIGHT! Plan and write an essay in which you develop and support our point of view. Your essay will be graded based on your writing quality and not on your opinion, although agreeing with us usually adds a few points. But trust us, some answers are better than others, and we don't want to hear you whining when your scores come back and they're all 20 points lower for some reason. Whose fault is that? Yeah, that's what I thought.

BEGIN WRITING YOUR ESSAY IN SECTION 1 OF THE ANSWER SHEET.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 1. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU EITHER DIDN'T WRITE, OR YOU ARE REALLY ASIAN. YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...

Section 2: MATH

Time - $e^{3.2188758248682007492015186664524}$ minutes

Turn to Section 2 of your answer sheet to fill in the bubbles, although they are not actually bubbles, they are simple circles with letters in them.

Directions: For each question, choose the answer that you believe is most appropriate and fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.

1. 1 + 1 = ?

(A) 2

(B) 11

(C) 3-1

(D) 2.0

(E) Trick question

2. 1 + 3 = ?

(A) 4

(B) 3 + 1

(C) The answer to #1

(D) 0

(E) Trick question

3. Find the volume of the sun

(A) *Pass

(B) Trick question

(C) Trik kwestshun

(D) Trick question

(E) 8

4. A blind man walks down the street and encounters this triangle.

What is the average distance between the three points?

(A) Yes

(B) No

(C) Maybe

(D) If you are black or hispanic, fill in this bubble, you are exempt from this question.

(E) Seriously Jesus Christ this guy is blind, what does he care?

5. If Jane has five apples and John has three apples, and they each throw two of their apples at Joe, who has thirteen apples, and Joe hands nine of his apples to Jeremy, who has two apples, right before Jeremy hands one apple to Jill, who gives that apple to Jimmy, who hands that apple to John (a different John than the one before), when the second John has 3.7 times more apples than Jane and Joe combined and Jerry and Jennifer each have sixteen apples more than Jason, who has eleven apples more than Jack, how long will it take for FOX to cancel The Simpsons?

(A) Fuck apples.

(B) Chicken

(C) Germany

(D) 3 Hours.

(E) MICHAEL JACKSON WAS INNOCENT! SO WHAT IF HE ADMITTED TO SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED WITH CHILDREN? THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED WITH CHILDREN!

6. There are three people, Bob, Tom, and Sam. Bob has 100 baseballs, Tom has 150 baseballs, and Sam has a baseball bat. After throwing 10 baseballs at Sam, Bob gets fed up with Sam's horrible hitting skills, and begins throwing his remaining 140 baseballs at Sam with an automatic baseball pitcher. Oh, this is not a question, I just thought that I may entertain you with a fun story. Just pick A, B, C, D, or E.

(A)

(B)

(C)

(D)

(E)

7. So this question is for the Asians out there... If I throw a ball at a bietch (mychonny FTW!) and its path can be described as a parabola, in the equation of -16t^2+9, what the fuck is the maxiumum height?? (hint: use -b/2a BIETCH) BTW i know what u niggas and wiggas thinkin "what duh fawkkkk only duh squinty eyed bannaa know this. ah ching chung" shieet son mychonny ftw

so these are the choices bietch

A. 4 b. 3 c. 2 d.1. e. BOOM!! BIETCH

8. True or false: Math is boring

(A) TURE

(B) TRUE

(C) TRUE!

(D) I ALREADY SAID TRUE!

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 2. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHANGE ALL YOUR ANSWERS, BECAUSE THEY ARE WRONG. YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE RAPED, AND THE RAPED WILL BE SHOT. LATHER RINSE REPEAT MOTHER FUCKER!

Section 3: CRITICIZE YOUR READING

Example A. Time - Twenty-five ______

Which word best completes the above sentence?

A. Seconds

B. Minutes

C. Hours

D. Apples

E. Moments

Example B. Turn to Section 3 of your answer sheet to fill in the _____.'

Which word best completes the sentence above?

A. Seconds

B. Bubbles

C. Circles

D. Balls

E. Letters

F. Leave as is, with a period after the

Directions: Read the following selection from my diary. For each question, choose the answer that you believe is the least appropriate or most hilarious and fill in the corresponding thing on the answer sheet. You probably aren't reading this. Every answer for this section is A, so don't worry.

1   Oh em gee, my boyfriend, Jerry, doesn't like me
    He just thinks I'm so ugly
    That's why I am going to commit suicide tomorrow
    No one will care anyway
5   My mom laughed when I told her I cut myself
    My boyfriend is imaginary anyway,
    And he always makes fun of how fat I am
    I wish I was dead
    My best friend does too
10  I called the suicide hotline today
    I met a guy named Jerry
    Unfortunately, after an hour of talking
    He thought it best that I should kill myself
    I'm just so sad now.
15  I mean, why would my imaginary friend tell me I need therapy?
    I shouldn't hang out with enablers
    But who else care about me?
    I wish I had a dog.
    If I did I'll name him Jerry
20  And I'll play with him all the time
    I bought a noose the other day
    I suppose I will use it tomorrow
    Should I take my clothes off
    So that whoever finds me will vomit?
25  Then everyone will feel sorry for me
    And come to my funeral
    Especially Jerry.
    Now burn in Dante's Inferno!

1. What is referenced by the line "I bought a noose the other day" (line 4)?

(A) She's going to commit suicide

(B) She likes to lynch blacks

(C) Oops, that was racist

(D) We are so sorry

(E) Again, just fill in A, it's correct

2. How would the author explain her life?

(A) Morose yet fulfilling

(B) Morose yet fulfilled

(C) Terrible yet horrible

(D) Horrible yet terrible

(E) aaSD:LJfkja;lsdkjrpoeiwuapoi yet poaiaUpotiruewpoiejrlkja;dkf

3. What is the attitude of the passage towards suicide?

(A) Acceptifilicious

(B) Happivoracious

(C) Mephistilationitis

(D) Subchloridical

(E) supercalifragulisticexpialidocious

4. Who is Jerry?

(A) He doesn't exist

(B) Friend

(C) Boyfriend

(D) Father

(E) Christ

5. What is the speaker's opinion on eating pepperoni pizza after Labor Day?

(A) Yes

(B) No

(C) Maybe

(D) 42

(E) Once again, blacks and hispanics are exempt from this question.

6. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(A) Tinky Winky

(B) Richard Nixon

(C) Thor, god of thunder

(D) A jar of almonds

(E) Robot Chicken

7. What kind of individuals go to "Dante's Inferno" (line 28)

(A) Jews

(B) Jews

(C) Jews

(D) Jews

(E) Jews

YOU ACTUALLY COMPLETED SECTION 3. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE MOLESTED, SURVIVORS WILL BE TOUCHED INAPPROPRIATELY BY THE PROCTOR

Section 4: WRITING

Time - 28 days

Turn to Section 4 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Read the following sentences. For each question, choose the pairs that best represents your emotions and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet.

1. Sally was ____ because she couldn't go to the ____.

(A) fat around her waist, toilet

(B) a retard, school

(C) divorced, marriage counseling

(D) violent, dojo

(E) on fire, fire department

2. Yes, there are two ____ you can go by, but in the _____...

(A) ways, long run

(B) lights, USS Enterprise

(C) paths, home run

(D) pills, Matrix

(E) children, sweatshops

3. ____ ____!

(A) Jesus, Christ

(B) Watch, it

(C) Free, Tibet

(D) Oh, no

(E) , 

4. Stop, ______

(A) in the name of love!

(B) Hammer Time!

(C) collaborate and listen!

(D) children, what's that sound?

(E) right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch.

5. ____ dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(A) Ron

(B) Harry

(C) Snape

(D) Hagrid

(E) Wait a second, what does this test actually have to do with educational aptitude? So far it's just been a bunch of pop culture references and the occasional in-joke. If you fill this in you hate human beings.

6. ______ wants to rule the world.

(A) Everybody

(B) Nobody

(C) Somebody

(D) Hitler

(E) Kanye West

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 4. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN

Section 5: REEDUN...?

Time - 525,600 Minutes

Turn to Section 5 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: For each question, choose the pair of words that... wait a minute this section was retired when they added the Writing section. Why is it still in here? Whatever, just fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.

1. IDEA : LIGHTBULB ::

(A) TIME : CLOCK

(B) DEATH : SKULL

(C) CRIMINAL : OJ

(D) DANGER : STORM CLOUD

(E) DANGEROUS CRIMINAL DEATH TIME : CLOCK-SHAPED STORM CLOUD OVER OJ'S SKULL

2. DINOSAURS : EXTINCT ::

(A) OWLS : NOCTURNAL

(B) NOCTURNAL : DINOSAURS

(C) DINOSAURS : THEMSELVES

(D) PARADOX : PARADOX

(E) CUCUMBERS : DELICIOUS

3. FATHER : SON ::

(A) CHARLES MANSON : TEX WATSON

(B) THE MASK : SON OF THE MASK

(C) GOD : EVERYBODY (EXCEPT GAY PEOPLE)

(D) GEORGE H. W. BUSH : A RETARDED MONKEY

(E) EVERY OTHER GUEST ON MAURY : EVERY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD, EVER

4. PHYSICS : BODY FALLING OUT A WINDOW ::

(A) CHEMISTRY : BURNING A MAN ALIVE

(B) AMERICAN HISTORY : SENSELESSLY BEATING A STRANGER TO DEATH

(C) ENGLISH : SODOMIZING A PRESCHOOL

(D) MATH : PUTTING A HOMELESS PERSON INTO A WOODCHIPPER

(E) WRITING : CUTTING OFF YOUR OWN HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW

5. MINER : DYNAMITE ::

(A) MINOR : DYNAMITE

(B) MINER : DYNOMITE!

(C) MINOR : DYNOMITE!

(D) J.J. WALKER :: DYNOMITE!

(E) CONSTRUCTION WORKER : JACKHAMMER

(F) THERE IS NO F

(G) SAME AS F

6. PIZZA : BEHEMOTH ::

(A) FOOD : MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE

(B) THE POPE : MADONNA

(C) TRUTH : RECONCILIATION

(D) BANANA : ROBOT

(E) E : JOKE ANSWER

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 5. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE VIOLATED.

Section 6: WRITING

Time - The Day After Tomorrow

Turn to Section 6 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Look at the underlined phrases in the following sentences. For each section, choose the most incorrect word or phrase and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet. Or you could just choose an answer at random.

1. Gregory was_(A) a terrible_(B) eater_(C) that refused the Declaration of Independence_(D) eat rice.

(A) was

(B) terrible

(C) eater

(D) the Declaration of Independence

(E) No error

2. Have you gone_(A) to see_(B) the new_(C) movie? Everyone says it_(D) is a pile of worthless steaming shit that no one could respect because I mean seriously, what's up with making another sequel?

(A) gone

(B) see

(C) new

(D) it

(E) No error

3. Tragically_(A), none of the orphans survived the fire.

(A) A

(B) A

(C) A

(D) A

(E) No error

4. Oure Hoost answerde_(A) and seide, "I graunte_(B) it thee, now telle on, Roger, looke that it be good, for many a pastee hastow laten blood, and many a Jakke_(C) of Dovere hastow soold that hath been twies hoot_(D) and twies coold."

(A) answerde

(B) graunte

(C) Jakke

(D) hoot

(E) No error

4. Εάν μπορείτε_(A) να μεταφράσετε αυτό_(B) σωστά_(C), είστε πάρα πολύ χρένο_(D) έξυπνοι αυτήν την σελίδα.

(A) μπορείτε

(B) αυτό

(C) σωστά

(D) χρένο

(E) No error

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 6. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.

Section 7: WHO CARES

Time - Not soon enough

Turn to Section 7 of your answer sheet to sit on your ass.

Directions: Look at the clock. 35 minutes left. Fuckin' A. You never actually wanted to take the SAT, especially not today. Once your parents get the scores back, you'll be able to pass it all off with an excuse like "Well I didn't study" or "I was tired". Don't even bother finishing it. This is the part where you get to make cool designs by filling in the bubbles. After they collect all the test booklets in about 45 minutes, you can get the hell out of here.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 7. IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL HAVE THEIR HOMES BURNT DOWN BY ME.

THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL

And no, we're not sure why we needed to remind you of that fact. Why the hell do you care? The test is over!!! You're free! Go run play, explore! ('Till, June, when the results show up...)

Answer Sheet

SECTION 1 _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________

SECTION 2	SECTION 3	SECTION 4
SECTION 5	SECTION 6	SECTION 7