Light bulb

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Maybe reading this is not such a good idea.

A light bulb is a device which allows men to deprive themselves of sleep while exhaustively researching for articles on Uncyclopedia. They have also been known a cheap method of extracting information for individuals simply by aiming it at the cranial area during a question.

A common misconception about light bulbs is that they emit light, when, in fact, they absorb darkness. This myth is mostly spread by hardcore Christians, although the Catholic Church and most Protestant churches have taken no stance on the issue. The Eastern Orthodox Church has sided with the scientists, and its followers tend to support them on the issue. What the supporters of the emission theory use as proof is that light bulbs get hot when they are on. Thomas Edison's associate Charles Dickson explained in an early edition of Popular Mechanics that the heat comes from the friction of the darkness entering the glass. Dickson even referred to an interview with the New York Times where Edison explains the darkness absorption. Unfortunately, the issue with the interview has been lost over time, so there is no proof that Edison approved this theory. However, Scientists almost unanimously agree with the absorption theory, so it is considered scientific fact. This does not make the emission theory wrong, but it falls outside of the realm of science.

They are also known as light globes, light corms, light balloons, light jugs, light Walid Jumblatts, and the 3rd Light Cavalry Regiment, and are the main source of nutrients for Catholics on Fridays, when they must abstain from eating meat.

The light bulb was invented by Optimus Prime.

How They Work[edit | edit source]

What they REALLY do with dead fluorescent bulbs.

The precise workings of light bulbs are unknown outside the Amish community, although it is rumored that the energy is derived from the suffering of kittens, hence the well known saying, "Every time you turn on a light, an angel gets its wings and then kills a kitten".

This explanation is controversial, however, as many people instead believe that the bulbs are powered by the pure evil that emanates from the breast implants of Britney Spears. Still others believe that the bulbs' mystic power has something to do with duct tape, Michael Jackson, or a novel application of the Slim Shady Algorithm.

Another possibility that science is waking up to is Pixie Science's explanation of how pixies make light bulbs work. Although not yet widely recognized these theories have gained some support over the last few years.

Darkness Absorption Theory[edit | edit source]

Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's because they're full. An interesting fact on lightbulbs is that they are powered by Jesus Juice

“Ah! My inspiration!”

~ Gerard Way, My Commercial Romance frontman on light bulbs

Installation[edit | edit source]

The immense complexity of a light bulb renders it nearly impossible for a single person to install. Successful installation often requires the help of numerous individuals, the precise number of which depends upon your nationality, hair color, career, religious affiliation, race, and degree of sexual promiscuity. A basic list showing the number of persons required to screw in a light bulb is shown below. It is also a known fact that Feminist cant change light bulbs or for that matter anything.

Number of Individuals Required for Installation[edit | edit source]

The earliest extant reference to light bulb installation is this cave writing in Merde, France, which translates: How many Neanderthals it take to change light bulb? None! They not have fire!
5 Irish One to hold the light bulb, and four to die of potato famine.
- Soviet Russia In Soviet Russia, light bulb screws YOU!!!
? Mexicans When have you known a Mexican to do something right?
11 Brazilians chances are the bulb will break while they try to kick it to its slot
20³² Kittenolivians "Every time you turn on a light, an angel gets its wings and then kills a kitten".
2 Light Bulbs Two; The old one and the new one.
4 Country singers One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah!" and throw his hat in the air.
- Microsoft employees None, Bill Gates will make Darkness(c) an industry standard.
7 Nuclear engineers One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
50 Photographers One to do it, and forty-nine to say, "I could have done that."
all of them Engineers One to do it, and the rest of them to say "I could have done it better."
19 Physicists One to calculate the thermodynamics of the light bulb screwing in, one to ponder whether anything important will occur as a result of the light bulb being screwed in, 6 to reopen the wormhole through which the other 8 disappeared and 3 don't exist.
- Programmers They won't touch it; it's a hardware problem.
- Support Engineers Actually someone has to phone about the problem so that they can write a ticket on how to change it.
1 Psychotherapists One, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
Statisticians One—plus or minus three, nineteen times out of twenty.
16 Union electricians One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, ten on paid holiday and one to nap and one to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night and get paid time-and-a-half.
1 Lost characters One, with the process taking fifteen episodes.
- Feminists None, they can't change anything
5 Folk Singers One does it while the other four sing about how much better the old one was.
- Male Chauvinists Who cares? Let her cook in the dark.'
0 Hunter S. Thompson 'Install? What?'
1 Men Men'll screw anything.
2 Mice Experiments have shown that two mice can screw in a light bulb if both of them are small enough to fit inside.
1 Egocentrics He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
??? Kids with ADD ... wanna go play football?
69 Oversexed teens Wait, what's that about screwing?
- Vin Diesel He can't, since the light bulb breaks when he punches it in the face.
- Samuel L. Jackson He leaves, because he's tired of these motherfucking bulbs in this motherfucking joke.
1 Uncyclopedians Only the admins know how to screw in a light bulb. The rest of the site is just too stupid to figure out how a light bulb works.
1 Women One to nag at the husband till she finally breaks in and does it herself.
- Women with PMS None. You can do it yourself, dammit.
- Lesbians None. They don't need a light bulb to screw.
1 Time Travelers For when it absolutely, positively needs to be done yesterday.
Wikipedians One to request the process of screwing the light bulb (not always necessary), one to start the process of screwing the light bulb, hundreds to continue the process, one to put a template saying that the methodology is wrong, one to put a template saying that the methodology is right, hundreds to revert which template is put on the page, hundreds to vandalize the light bulb, hundreds to revert the vandals, hundreds to discuss the methodology, four or five to start an edit war, one sysop to ban those involved the edit war, a few hundred more to debate the methodology, two to create userboxes represent one's stance on the methodology, one to complain that the userboxes clutter the template namespace, one sysop to delete the userboxes, one sysop to restore the userboxes, hundreds to flame others over the methodology, hundreds more to think linking to WP:CIVIL counts as a rebuttal, hundreds to.... oh, #### it.
1 Saiyans One but it takes 3 episodes to do it.
- Emo kids They prefer to sit in the dark and cry about it.
1 Platonists One. But it isn't really a light bulb. It's just an imperfect physical manifestation of the perfect light bulb.
2 Surrealists One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
- Nihilists They just don't care.
2 Zen masters One to screw in the light bulb and one not to screw in the light bulb.
2 Freudians One to screw in the light bulb and one to hold #########--I mean the ladder!.
1 George W. Bush Just himself, but it takes forever to screw it in, then some more to stabilize the situation. And lots of people will die, the economy will collapse thus no one can afford the electricity to power the bulb, all the while the bulb didn't even get changed.
1 John Kerry Just himself, but it takes at least 6 months to gain UN approval. And then he'll change his mind and say the old one was better.
- Marxists None, because inside every light bulb lie the seeds to its own revolution.
252 Socialists One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
- Vietnam Veterans You don't KNOW, because you weren't THERE. It was HORRIBLE man!
10 Bureaucrats Three to fill in the requests for buying the bulb in triplicate, one to fill in the requests for holding the bulb, one to have a petition about screwing the bulb in, one to give the bulb to the in-screwer, one for interviewing the bulb and reading over it's resume, one to screw it in, one to fill in the request for testing the bulb and one for testing the bulb after ordering proper safety equipment.
- Buddhists They won't touch it; change must come from within.
Awesome People
Ow Dammit! Chuck Norris He just round houses it.
Average number of people to change a light bulb.

Please submit any other numbers you may know in order to facilitate worldwide light bulb installation. Specifically requested are the numbers of Lesbians, or Mexicans required to change a light bulb.

See also[edit | edit source]