Joe the Plumber
“HA! Who needs him?”
| Joseph Joe "Joe the Plumber" Jameson | |
|---|---|
|
|
| Personal info | |
| Nationality | American |
| Date of birth | Dec 3, 1973 |
| Place of birth | Smalltown, AMERICA |
| Date of death | Aug 27, 2023 |
| Place of death | Washington D.C. (White House) |
| First Lady | Jane the Bookkeeper |
| Political career | |
| Order | 44th President |
| Vice President | n/a |
| Prime Minister | n/a |
| Term of office | 2009–2012 |
| Preceded by | George W. Bush |
| Succeeded by | Sarah Palin |
| Political party | Coalition of American Plumbers |
| Penis nickname | n/a |
Joseph Joe Jameson (December 3, 1973 – August 27, 2023), also known as Joe the Plumber, was the forty-fourth President of the United States and a guy you would just like to have a beer with. He served as the fifty-second Governor of Alabama from 2000 to 2008. He was sworn in as President on November 28, 2008 due to strong support from all of his rivals, the old guy and the black guy. He was the perfect example of a Real American.
Hailing from Smalltown America, Joe was widely known for his numerous passions, which included plumbing, plunging, paying taxes, working hard and loving his country. He was also widely known for his hatred of Communism, Fascism, racism, Hitler, and especially Socialism.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Born in Smalltown, America on December 3, 1973, Joe was the second child of Norm Simplefolk and Norma Simplefolk, typical American pie farmers. He was raised in various barns around Alabama as his family looked for the perfect American pie trees, along with his siblings Oak, Pine, Twig and Twine. Joe's grandmother, Jane Simple, was the mayor of a small village in Illinois for 2 months. His father Norm served as the president of the American Pie Farmer's Union from 1979-1981.
When his family finally settled down in a small village in Alabama, Joe was able to attend high school. In high school he found his calling in plumbing when he took an internship with the school's janitor. Following high school, Joe the Plumber moved to a major city in Alabama. There, he studied Plumbtology at Big Man College of Business and Important Shit for four years, living briefly with his cousin Joe Sixpack. After graduation, Joe went on to Plumbing Grad School in Kentucky, where he received his master's degree in toiletry, with a specialization in Kitchen Sinks. There, he met the girl of his dreams, Jane Doe, a hockey mom from Michigan. They married that summer (on July 4th of course) and, over the following ten years, had 2 children together, Hammer and Apple. Somewhere along the line, Joe fulfilled his childhood dream of becoming a full-time plumber.
The Road to the Presidency[edit | edit source]
After graduating from Plumbing School in 1997, Joe returned to Alabama and became a professor at the University of Plumb-Bob. Three years later, in 2000, he ran for Governor of Alabama, having grown tired of dealing with students unable to unclog a toilet. The incumbent, James the Electrician was defeated by Joe in a landslide upset when a video was leaked showing James the Electrician having sexual misconduct with a nut bolt.
During his administration Joe worked on educational reform to focus schooling on plumbing, and to rework Alabama's sewer network, with wife Jane leading a successful campaign to have all houses in Alabama connected to a water network rather than relying on wells. However, his term included a controversial addition to a bill that added sewage treatment plants to various elementary schools around Alabama. Although citizens of the state complained, Joe was able to counteract this by issuing coupons for one free plumbing job by himself to each citizen in Alabama. To date, only 0.5% of these coupons have been redeemed. Even with this faux pas, Joe's loving personality and charm worked the citizens of Alabama to support him again.
2008 Presidential Campaign[edit | edit source]
Although Joe the Plumber was content with doing his work in Alabama after his political work, he felt a sense of rivalry with ex-governor James the Electrician. When he heard James was running for the presidency in 2008, Joe the Plumber threw down his tool kit and signed up with the support of the Coalition of American Plumbers. He officially announced his candidacy for the Presidency of the United Sates on January 6, 2007, in front of the Great National Tax-Clogged Pipe in Washington, DC.
Throughout the campaign, Joe emphasized issues like deregulating the sewage market, cutting toilet taxes, and providing universal plumbing. At one point during his campaign, he said that these were to be his top three priorities that he would peruse in his administration.
A pool boy from California, Joe Sixpack was revealed as Joe the Plumber's choice for running mate on July 28, 2008. Joe Sixpack is first vice presidential candidate to be a Californian and fifth candidate to be a pool boy.
Joe the plumber participated in his first presidential debate against Barack Obama and John McCain on September 26. Joe did not fare well, with him calling Obama "that plunger" and being unable to name any nation outside America. On October 15, the final debate occurred. Joe was much more comfortable, and used many examples of situations that normal Americans encounter, like a clogged toilet. Joe performed so well that his support skyrocketed, his news coverage spread across the globe, and even Obama and McCain commended Joe for his work.
On November 4th, the elections began with Joe having a gallop poll lead of 60%. Joe won the election in a landslide victory, winning every single state. Many viewed Joe the Plumber leading an inspirational campaign that showed millions of ambitious children that even a plumber can be president.
Time as President[edit | edit source]
Joe was inaugurated as the 44th President of the United States on January 20, 2009. In his inaugural address he stated:
| “ | The plumbing work of our nation is in a crisis. We must unclog the injustices of our business pipes and scrub the mass taxation of our citizenship. Thus I declare the next four years to be a War Against Sewage. | ” |
Early in his term, Joe signed a number of major laws in his presidency that greatly increased his popularity, including the No Plumber Left Behind Act. Additionally, Joe was able to increase federal research spending on self-flushing toilets.
As the War on Sewage raged on, Joe the Plumber began a systematic withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan, instead sending plumbers and humanitarians to those countries to create mass water and sewage networks. He called the project Operation: Watergate 2, which consequently increased the national debt by 10 trillion. The United Nations sent a thank you card to Joe for his generous free plumbing.
Joe's Administration[edit | edit source]
| OFFICE | NAME | TERM |
| President | Joe the Plumber | 2008–2012 |
| Vice President | Joe Sixpack | 2008–2012 |
| Left President | Larry the Cable Guy | 2008–2012 |
| State | Uncle Tod | 2008–2012 |
| Treasury | Farrah Faucet | 2008–2012 |
| Defense | Major Payne | 2008–2012 |
| Attorney General | Phoenix Wright | 2008–2010 |
| Lee-Gal E-Gal | 2010–2012 | |
| Interior | Benny the Boiler | 2008–2012 |
| Agriculture | Sunflower McGee | 2008–2009 |
| Cindy the Gardener | 2009–2012 | |
| Commerce | Richie Rich | 2008 |
| Aunt Hilda | 2008–2012 | |
| Labor | Sarah Palin | 2008–2012 |
| Health & Human Services | Jim the Doctor | 2008–2012 |
| Education | Cindy the Teacher | 2008–2012 |
| Housing & Urban Development | Bob the Builder | 2008–2010 |
| Bob the other Builder | 2010–2012 | |
| Arts | Aerosmith | 2008–2012 |
| Transportation | Jeff the Bus Driver | 2008–2012 |
| Energy | George.W.Bush | 2008–2012 |
| Homeland Security | U-Bend Spanner | 2008–2012 |
| Chief of Staff | Jack of All Trades | 2008–2012 |
Presidential campaign endorsements[edit | edit source]
- John McCain, Senator from Arizona, cranky old man, Joe's self-declared best friend.
- Barack Obama, you know... that one guy...
- National Association of United Plumbers of America.
- Joe Sixpack and all of his friends, who have backed the candidate from day one.