Sarah Palin
Sarah Michael Palin is a celebrity spokesmodel of unparalleled political achievement. No other mediocre ex-governor and failed vice-presidential candidate has achieved such notoriety and influence. Because of her ability to do virtually nothing as the governor of America's least influential state, she was selected as the 2008 Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President of the United States. As the author of a ghostwritten book and over eighty thousand insightful tweets she is regarded by conservative Republicans as an intellectual colossus.
Palin is such an experienced and well-qualified politician that she has been compared to Winston Churchill and Charles DeGaulle. Republicans who have never heard of Churshill or DeGaulle are angered by the comparison don't believe Sarah Palin should be put in the same league with nobodies.
Palin is also known for having an extended family of accomplished children, siblings and non-garbage cousins. No other failed vice-presidential candidate has had as many children avoid brushes with the law and controversy and then get TV specials. With such a squeaky-clean reputation, profound political insight and an ability to always say the right thing at the right time, Sarah Palin will likely one day be remembered alongside other greats like Seneca, Voltaire and Ghandi.
Early Life
Palin's birth was seemingly immaculate. Despite her mother and father not having had sex before their marriage or her pregnancy, her mother miraculously became pregnant with Sarah. Palin's mother never claimed to have been impregnated by a deity, nor even visited by an angel yet the pregnancy must have been immaculate and her husband agreed. Her husband was overjoyed to have a son on the way, regardless how the gestation began. He was only mildly disappointed to find out Sarah was a girl. He hid his mild disappointment throughout his whole life.
As a child, Sarah had many friends and took on a natural leadership role. Her grace and charm managed to get her into clubs that went far beyond her wealth, status, intelligence or general talents. This became an ongoing pattern which one day landed her in the distinguished role of a failed vice-presidential candidate. While in college, majoring in ancient Babylonian literature, she became the president of a successful and well-funded college newspaper. She then steered the paper through unexpected financial mismanagement and near collapse and then steered the paper through its worst difficulties as her parents slightly assisted with a modest full financial bailout. She was hailed as a hero and then spent the next two years bringing the editorial standards back up to almost what they were before she began. This achievement helped maintain her generous scholarship.
It was in this process that she gained her insight in "Taoist philosophy". As Lao Tzu said, the best leaders lead by doing nothing, letting things run their course. The less Sarah committed to any decision, the less original insight she gave, the less she bothered to show up, the more effective she could be. She singlehandedly demonstrated the genius of Lao Tzu's ancient philosophy by showing how some leaders could be most helpful by doing nothing and being absent. This followed her throughout her career.
Further Education
N/A
Political career, SRSLY!
After repeating six years of university and with exceptional permission to count failed courses towards her degree, Sarah Palin had just enough credits to get the most distinguished honours degree in her community college: An Arts and Humanities degree with a minor focus in journalistic studies. She then married her high school sweetheart. Palin carried her new husband over her shoulders to a log cabin she built with her own hands and then began both writing hard hitting articles for local rags and starting a family. Before she knew it, she was elected mayor of her village, without even realising it. She decided, what the fuck, why not be a local governor or whatever the position was called.
Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, Palin took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, left it in insolvency with the Governor himself taking over the local government to save the Alaskan credit rating from default status. By the end of her term, the town had shrunk to half its size and many businesses closed down. Everyone considered it an incredible success, as it was mostly white people who stuck around and all the local bars were still open. This helped propel Palin towards an Alaskan State Representative nomination. While doing this, she also drove her kids to hockey practice, wrote articles on the best meals you can make for less than five dollars and bribed the police, for the first time, to not arrest her son for serious crimes.
State Representative
Sarah Palin managed to pull in a considerable salary, take her boys to hockey, write horoscopes for several newspapers, save her husband in several bar brawls all while achieving the best record for fewest votes cast in the legislature and lowest number of hours spent meeting with constituents and stakeholders, something she still remembers fondly with pride. Her successes launched her rapidly into the Governorship.
Governor
No one was more surprised than Palin when someone told her she had been elected govenor. She didn't even remember running. As Governor, Palin enthusiastically promoted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" by building fifteen actual bridges to nowhere. Dozens of suicide tourists come every year to drive off the bridges into the Pacific Ocean, ending their lives with a glorious bang. The Bridges were funded by Palin's massive tax cuts for the rich and ice hockey team raffles. Surprisingly it was a big of an economic boon, as people who are about to end their lives would come to Alaska and blow a lot of money into the local economy before ending it.
Progressive Opinions
Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Palin is not homophobic: she announced that she would tolerate homosexuals long enough to be elected. Among the GOP, this makes Palin a Progressive. When thrown into the spotlight, she reluctantly conceded that gays should be able to visit their dying partner in the concentration camp hospital.
She also believed that anyone could be an American, as long as they worked hard, and stood up with their hand over their heart during the American national anthem at Ice-hockey games, even if they were barbarians who ate food with chop-sticks. Unlike previous Governors, she believed in supporting the native Eskimo people by only slashing their state cultural budget by 10% which was a marked improvement over her predecessors. All in all, by Alaskan republican standards, Palin was, for some, radically progressive. Republicans were hoping she'd slow down a little and give Alaskans time to allow the original inhabitants of Alaska the ability to catch up to modernity (original inhabitants being the White Christians who grew out of the native Alaskan soil 6000 years ago).
Failed run for Vice-President
Palin was not surprised when she was chosen as vice-presidential candidate. She sensed a large opportunity: lose the election and then make a huge fortune on reality television and punditry afterwards. It was, a sheer utter success with everything going exactly as planned.
Post-governor years
No one is sure what happened to her. But whenever one goes to a little league Hockey Game, if you listen carefully you can hear her hockey mom voice yelling out: "you get a goal now don't you know"!