Sarah Palin
Sarah Michael Palin is a celebrity spokesmodel of unparalleled political achievement. No other mediocre ex-governor and failed vice-presidential candidate has achieved such notoriety and influence. Because of her ability to do virtually nothing as the governor of America's least influential state, she was selected as the 2008 Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President of the United States. As the author of a ghostwritten book and over eighty thousand insightful tweets she is regarded by conservative Republicans as an intellectual colossus.
Palin is such an experienced and well-qualified politician that she has been compared to Winston Churchill and Charles DeGaulle. Some Republicans are disturbed by the comparisons mostly because they do not know who said politicians are and don't believe Sarah Palin should be compared with nobodies.
Palin is also known for having an extended family of accomplished children, siblings and non-garbage cousins. No other failed vice-presidential candidate has had as many children avoid brushes with the law and controversy. With such a squeaky-clean reputation, profound political insight and an ability to always say the right thing at the right time, Sarah Palin will likely one day be remembered alongside other greats like Seneca, Voltaire and Ghandi.
Early Life
Palin's birth was seemingly immaculate. Despite her mother and father not having had sex before their marriage, her mother miraculously became pregnant. We intentionally say it was seemingly immaculate as Palin's mother never claimed to have been impregnated by a deity, nor even visited by an angel. And yet she could still never explain the foetus growing inside her. Her father was overjoyed to have a son on the way, regardless how the gestation began. He was only mildly disappointed to find out Sarah was a girl. He hid his mild disappointment throughout his whole life.
As a child, Sarah had many friends and took on a natural leadership role. Her grace and charm managed to get her into clubs that went far beyond her wealth, status, intelligence or general talents. This became an ongoing pattern which one day landed her in the distinguished role of a failed vice-presidential candidate. While in college, majoring in ancient Babylonian literature, she became the president of a successful and well-funded college newspaper. She then steered the paper through unexpected financial mismanagement and near collapse and then steered the paper through its worst difficulties as her parents slightly assisted with a modest full financial bailout. She was hailed as a hero and then spent the next two years bringing the editorial standards back up to what they were before she began. It was in this process that she gained her insight in "Taoist philosophy". As Lao Tzu said, the best leaders lead by doing nothing, letting things run their course. The less Sarah committed to any decision, the less original insight she gave, the less she bothered to show up, the more effective she could be. She singlehandedly demonstrated the genius of Lao Tzu's ancient philosophy by showing how some leaders could be most helpful by doing nothing and being absent. This followed her throughout her career.
Education
N/A
Political career, SRSLY!
After repeating six years of university and with exceptional permission to count failed courses towards her degree, Sarah Palin had just enough credits to get the most distinguished honours degree in her community college: An Arts and Humanities degree with a minor focus in journalistic studies. She then married her high school sweetheart. Palin carried her new husband over her shoulders to a log cabin she built with her own hands and then began both writing hard hitting articles for local rags and starting a family. Before she knew it, she was elected mayor of her village, without even realising it. She decided, what the fuck, why not be a local governor or whatever the position was called.
Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, Palin took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, left it in insolvency with the Governor himself taking over the local government to save the Alaskan credit rating from default status. By the end of her term, the town had shrunk to half its size and many businesses closed down. Everyone considered it an incredible success, as it was mostly white people who stuck around and all the local bars were still open. This helped propel Palin towards an Alaskan State Representative nomination. While doing this, she also drove her kids to hockey practice, wrote articles on the best meals you can make for less than five dollars and bribed the police, for the first time, to not arrest her son for serious crimes.
State Representative
Sarah Palin managed to pull in a considerable salary, take her boys to hockey, write horoscopes for several newspapers, save her husband in several bar brawls all while achieving the best record for fewest votes cast in the legislature and lowest number of hours spent meeting with constituents and stakeholders, something she still remembers fondly with pride. Her successes launched her rapidly into the Governorship.
Governor
As Governor, Palin enthusiastically promoted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" by building fifteen actual bridges to nowhere. Dozens of suicide tourists come every year to drive off the bridges into the Pacific Ocean, ending their lives with a glorious bang. The Bridges were funded by Palin's massive tax cuts for the rich and ice hockey team raffles.
Resignation and shame
In early July 2009 Palin announced her resignation from the governorship in order to devote herself full time to being stupid. All seven of her supporters were disappointed. A petition was started to try to convince her to remain in office, but it was unable to gain any signatures, as her supporters are suspicious of ballpoint pens.
A stupid controversial nominee
Palin's time as governor has been extremely productive. In her twenty months, she has earned an unimpeachable reputation for polite manners, effective hand shaking, and strong foreign policy experience, consisting of longing gazes across the Aleutians. She has the undying support of Ultra-Feminist Left, the Ultra-Religious Right, and the Ultra-Secessionist North, who she is frequently seen Palin around with. She also retains the support of Christians everywhere who are relieved that she is not a black man with a funny-sounding name. Their Yeshua looks more like one of the Bee Gees and less like Danny DeVito.
The Ultra-Secular-Sexist Left accuse Palin of conspiring with the Christian Illuminati in the Religious Right, whoever they are, though it sounds like something they made up at the last minute. In fact Democratic Representative Steve Cohen compared Sarah Palin to Pontius Pilate and Barack Obama to Jesus, claiming that Jesus was a community organizer like Obama and Pontius Pilate was a governor like Palin. This viewpoint is flawed though, as clearly Pilate actually accomplished things during his reign, nailing Jesus to a cross notwithstanding. It is true, however, that she has excellent hand washing habits.
As Vice President, Palin hoped to travel overseas for the first time, and spread her "twinkle and shine" personality to all remaining American allied countries, England and Israel (for whom Jesus has a special place up in Heaven, don'cha know?) She supports government funding for book-burnings, nailing theoretical physicists to crosses, and execution of the mentally handicapped, while her daughter opens the events by reciting the entire Bible in tongues while draped in snakes.
Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Palin is not homophobic: she announced that she would tolerate homosexuals long enough to be elected. Among the GOP, this makes Palin a Progressive. When thrown into the spotlight, she reluctantly conceded that gays should be able to visit their dying partner in the concentration camp hospital.
Palin is also fond of firing state troopers over divorces with relatives. Since she does not believe in psychotherapy, her subordinates have hired Dr. Yon Lee, a North Korean refugee, for advice on dealing with untreated power madness in a leader. Palin's publicist defends her as "firm but fair": if a citizen walks down the street and does not recognize her, Palin will order him to be fired from his job. If a citizen displays their religion outwardly, and it is not a state-approved sect of Christianity, that citizen will be "disappeared".
One of Palin's more radical policies is a complete overhaul of the school science curriculum across all states. She planned to replace the Theory of Evolution and the Big Bang Theory with the teachings of the Church of Scientology, and to remove all trace of any contradicting evidence from books permitted in school. She also planned to force students to attend a compulsory sermon on the Flying Spaghetti Monster every day, before lessons. These changes were met with outrage from the scientific community; however, when questioned, she claimed to be being persecuted over her faith and ignored the queries.
Tina Fey was the original choice as nominee for VP, but Sarah Palin swung commando-style through her window, beat her up and locked her in a cupboard. After Fey's mysterious disappearance, Sarah Palin won the nomination after making a strong impression on John McCain.
In late October 2008, mere weeks before the election, it was revealed that Palin had received nearly 150 million dollars in clothing, jewelry, and fine art masterpieces from the McCain campaign. Palin's family also received gifts of travel and the Hope Diamond. When asked about the legality of such lavish gifts, the McCain campaign responded that, since the funds came from Cindy McCain's personal checking account, and not the Carlyle Group, they did not violate campaign finance rules.
On November 5 Palin was sent back to Alaska with a fabulous copy of America, the Home Game.
Television appearances
Palin became an overnight sensation, appeared on many televisions show and became in such demand that she could not fulfill all her obligations. The McCain campaign contracted an unknown lookalike named Tina Fey to expand her media footprint. She had a nice interview with Katie Couric, and another with Charlie Gibson. Then she appeared on Match Game, 30 Rock, Dancing with the Stars, and Saturday Night Live. She wanted to appear on ABC's The View with Barbara Walters and Whoopi Goldberg, but the show was canceled that day so the co-hosts could volunteer for ACORN and register fictitious people for Obama. It has been confirmed that all the 30 Rock appearances, many of the S.N.L. appearances, and the best parts of the Katie Couric interview were performed by Tina Fey.
In 2010 Sarah Palin joined Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrinch, Tim Pawlenty, Mitt Romney, and Carl Paladino as part of the Fox News team.
In June 2011 Palin kicked off her 2012 Presidential campaign with an important speech on Paul Revere's famous ride through Boston in 1492, in which she reminded Americans that "... as he rode his horse through town, ringin' those bells and firin' those guns to warn the British not to mess with our Second Amendment rights and the Bible and not to take that tea from those unborn patriots, they knew that if they tried to attack Pearl Harbor our foundling fathers would never let the flag be burned without that birth certificate and God hates fags also."
The stain of the unwed daughter
Palin is a staunch anti-abortionist. To drive this point home, she is making her daughter Bristol keep the prepublican fetus she created and is now growing in her teenage womb. In addition, her daughter's boyfriend will be forced into a loveless baby-making relationship with a chick he figured he was just fucking.
According to Palin's staff, "This is Governor Palin's way of saying 'Yes Bristol is the shame of our family. But she is going to have the baby and she is going to become the poster child for doing the right thing.'" Palin also is arranging a funeral for the young man who knocked her up.
By doing so, Sarah sets the perfect example. As long as we get rid of contraceptives and simply show our children the joys and pleasures of abstinence we can all have pregnant high-school-dropout daughters, and high-school-dropout sons who are forced at rifle-point to marry the first girl they have a fumble with during a particularly boring Math class. This system will surely provide a stable and loving home for their children.
Lightning does indeed strike twice, as Palin's other daughter Willow also had an unwed child, with New York Yankee, Alex Rodriguez. It's unsure whether Willow Palin was trying to upstage her older sister or rebel against her mother. Though, everyone is looking forward to seeing if the baby can play better than A-rod.
Husband
Palin's husband, a self-described "Eskimo" (coinciding with the GOP's policy of thoroughly abolishing political correctness) received a DUI two decades ago (he had mistaken a putting green for a parking space). On the matter, Palin has pronounced: "The LIBERAL media informs us that my husband's minor criminal offense is quite important and relevant. To them I say this man is mine, and let any who come to me in their hearts be absolved of all prior sin."
GILF
There have been numerous accusations that Governor Palin is a GILF. These come after several cable news pundits commented that they wouldn't mind banging her. One caller countered these claims by stating: "Dude! She's, like, old, like your grandmother." Another caller said: "Who gives a shit? She's fucking hot! Think Morgan Fairchild only crazy!" Bill O'Reilly is on record as saying "I would love to get a bite to eat with this classy lady! Nothing too fancy, but maybe just a couple of loofahs from that cart down the block. Then we'd hump."
Email hacking incident
Sarah was selected by John McCain after realizing that the other VP prospects were all a bunch of boring white guys. Anonymous claimed to have hacked Sarah Palin's Yahoo account (her password was "lipstick") and posted pictures all over the Internet. This is either the greatest social engineering hack or the greatest troll on the Internet yet. Sarah Palin grabbed a moose rifle, hunted down all involved, and shot them before skinning and eating them.
Debating the deadbeat
On October 3, 2008, Palin stepped up to the plate and won the Best Performance by a Vice Presidential Candidate in Repeating Memorized Catch-phrases and Clichés at a Political Debate award, given by the Stepford Housewives for Palin Club; Stepford, Connecticut. The award is given to the best female candidate who opposes Joe Biden in any debate for the Vice Presidency which occurs in Saint Louis, Missouri (2007–2009). While Palin was a three to one favorite to win the coveted award, members of her club were nonetheless relieved that she won, because as club President Danica Nicole Jordan put it, "Sarah Palin embodies our very hopes for this great country, this United States in America." Club members agree that Palin was wise to declare at the beginning of the debate her refusal to answer questions, even though she actually knew the answers to some of them. "Rules don't apply to Sarah Palin," said Jordan.
Post-governor years
Since quitting her job as governor, Sarah Palin has prayed for and been granted superhuman powers by Republican Jesus. She now fights liberalism as Hockey Mom Woman, armed with powers far beyond those of Ann Coulter: Able to give political speeches for one million dollars each, she uses a magic golden automatic assault rifle to shoot down all animals that move. She is the leader of a group of angry voters known as "Mamma Grizzlies" – Republican women who are covered all over with body hair, weigh six hundred pounds and smell like bears. Two of her most faithful followers are popular Nevada standup comic Sharon Angal and anti-masturbation crimefighter Christine O'Donald, who is starring in the film Gidget Goes to Washington after her surprise loss to ACORN candidate Lil' Kim in Delaware's Senate race in November 2010.
