Sarah Palin
Nominated ArticleSarah Palin | |
|---|---|
 John McCain's | |
| 9th Governor of Alaska | |
| In office December 4, 2006 – July 26, 2009 | |
| Lieutenant | Sean Parnell |
| Preceded by | Frank Murkowski |
| Succeeded by | Sean Parnell |
| Mayor of Wasilla | |
| In office October 14, 1996 – October 14, 2002 | |
| Preceded by | John Stein |
| Succeeded by | Dianne Keller |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Political party | Republican |
| Spouse | Todd Palin (divorced in 2020) |
| Children | 5, including Trig Palin |
| Education | N/A |
| Signature |  |
| Website | sarahpalin.com |
Sarah Michael Palin is a celebrity spokesmodel of unparalleled political achievement. No other mediocre ex-governor and failed vice-presidential candidate has achieved such notoriety and influence. Because of her ability to do virtually nothing as the governor of America's least influential state, she was selected as the 2008 Republican Party nominee for the office of Vice President of the United States. As the author of a ghostwritten book and over eighty thousand insightful tweets she is regarded by conservative Republicans as an intellectual colossus.
Palin is such an experienced and well qualified politician that she has been compared to Winston Churchill, Cicero and Charles DeGaulle. Palin's spokesmen have complained about the comparison claiming it is unneighborly to put her in the same league with fictional myths.
Palin is also known for having an extended family of accomplished children, siblings and non-garbage cousins. No other failed vice-presidential candidate has had as many children avoid brushes with the law and controversy and then get TV specials. With such a squeaky-clean reputation, profound political insight and an ability to always say the right thing at the right time, Sarah Palin will likely one day be remembered alongside other greats like Seneca, Voltaire and Taylor Swift.
Early life
Despite Palin's parents' having never had sex before her birth, her mother miraculously became pregnant with Sarah. This is Alaska's only known immaculate conception as husband knew Sarah's mother was a genuine good Christian chaste girl who spent all her free time alone, knitting and baking casseroles. Her father was only mildly disappointed to find out Sarah was a girl but knew he could raise a strong young man who happened to have female plumbing.
As a child, Sarah had many friends and took on a natural leadership role. Her grace and charm managed to get her into clubs that went far beyond her wealth, status, intelligence and basic abilities. This became an ongoing pattern which one day landed her in the distinguished role of a failed vice-presidential candidate.
Advanced studies
While in college, majoring in media with a minor in hockey mom studies, she became the president of a successful and well-funded college newspaper. She then steered the paper through unexpected financial mismanagement and near collapse. Some thought this was the end for her, but they were not the first to underestimate her resiliency. Her parents assisted with a modest full financial bailout. She was hailed as a hero and then spent the next two years bringing the editorial standards back up almost below their pre-Palin levels. This achievement helped keep her from expulsion from her college for plagiarism and land her on the honor roll despite her 2.1 GPA.
It was in this process that Sarah gained her insight into "Taoist philosophy". As Lao Tzu said, the best leaders lead by doing nothing and letting things run their course. The less she committed to any decision, the less original insight she gave; the less she bothered to show up, the more effective she could be. She singlehandedly demonstrated the genius of Lao Tzu's ancient philosophy by showing how some leaders could be most helpful by doing nothing and, even better, being absent. This followed her throughout her career.
Political career, SRSLY!
After repeating six years of university and with exceptional permission to count failed courses towards her degree, Sarah Palin had just enough credits to get the most distinguished honours degree in her community college: An Arts and Humanities degree with a minor focus in journalistic studies. She then married her high school sweetheart and carried him over her shoulders to a log cabin she had built with her own hands and shattered his innocence. She started writing hard hitting articles for local rags and birthing children of the highest pedigree. Before she knew it, she was elected mayor of her village, without even realizing it. She decided, what the shit, why not be a local city president or whatever.
Showing her impeccable Republican credentials as Mayor, Palin took a town with no debt, and, by the end of her term, left it in insolvency with the Governor at the time taking over her town to save the Alaskan credit rating from default status. By the end of her term, the town had shrunk to half its size and many businesses closed down while pointlessly mega-products went unfinished. Everyone considered it a political triumph. This helped propel Palin towards an Alaskan State Representative nomination. While doing this, she also drove her kids to hockey practice, wrote articles on the best meals you can make for less than five dollars and bribed the police, for the first time, to not arrest her son for serious crimes, which he definitely didn't commit.
State representative
As a state representative, Sarah Palin managed to not unleash civil war in her state, take her kids to senior hockey, write horoscopes for several newspapers, save her husband in several bar brawls all while achieving the best record for fewest votes cast in the legislature. Even more impressively she broke the American wide record for any state representative never once setting foot in their constituency office or meeting with local petitioners, something she still remembers fondly with pride. Her successes launched her rapidly into the Governorship.
Governor
No one was more surprised than Palin when someone told her she had been elected governor. She didn't even remember running. As Governor, Palin enthusiastically promoted the infamous "Bridge to Nowhere" by building fifteen actual bridges to nowhere. Dozens of suicide tourists come every year to drive off the bridges into the Pacific Ocean, ending their lives with a glorious bang. The Bridge was funded by Palin's massive tax cuts for the rich and hockey team raffles. Surprisingly it has become a bit of an economic boon, as people who are about to end their lives now come to Alaska first and blow their life savings into the local economy. Since it is a federal department that pays for their rescue from the sea, Alaska wins, and Americans pay the tax bill. Another amazing example of Palin genius, through the Zen art of doing nothing.
Progressive opinions
Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Palin is not homophobic: she announced that she would tolerate homosexuals long enough to be elected. Among the GOP, this makes Palin a Progressive. When thrown into the spotlight, she reluctantly conceded that gays should be able to visit their dying partner in the hospital. She also believed that anyone could be an American as long as they worked hard and stood up with their hand over their heart during the American national anthem at hockey games, even if they were barbarians who eat with chopsticks. In fact, she is proud to be able to use chop sticks proficiently, with two hands.
Unlike previous Governors she believed in supporting the native Eskimo people by slashing their state cultural budget by only ten percent—a marked improvement over her predecessors and not relocating more tribes to detention centers in Guatemala. All in all, by Alaskan republican standards, Palin was, for some, radically progressive. Republicans were hoping she'd slow down a little and give Alaskans time to allow the original inhabitants of Alaska the ability to catch up to modernity (original inhabitants being the White Christians who grew out of the native Alaskan soil 6000 years ago).
Failed run for vice-president
Palin was not surprised when she was chosen as vice-presidential candidate. By then, she had so many political positions thrust on her, she was just waiting for something bigger to land in her hockey-mom lap. She sensed the greatest opportunity yet: help single handedly lose the national election and then make a huge fortune on reality television and punditry afterwards. It all went as planned. No failed candidate has capitalized on failure as strategically as Palin.
Post-governor years
No one is sure what happened to her. She seems to have disappeared, after some time into the Alaskan snowy void. A new, orange-faced political strategical genius seemed to take over her mojo. But whenever you go to a little league hockey game, if you listen carefully, you can hear that hockey mom voice: "You get a goal now donchano!"
See also
- Feature nomination
- Sarah Palin
- Palin family
- 2000s
- Alaska
- Followers God Would Rather Not Have
- American politicians
- American political writers
- Nasty Right Wing Bitches
- Things that may be out to get you
- People you should never leave your boyfriend alone with
- Rednecks
- Tea Party movement
- United States presidential candidates, 2012