Venus

"Where men- and even some women- go to get a big penis."

~ Neil deGrasse Tyson on Venus

It's nowhere near as big as Uranus.

Venus is the Earth's closest neighbor and second planet from the Sun apart from when Mars is flirting with her. It appears in the sky even more brilliantly than Freddie Mercury and is second only to Keith Moon and the the Sun for illuminating mankind. It looks like a bright star in the morning or evening sky and it is said that the three wise men accidentally followed Venus for a bit before locating the guiding star we know them for today, only noticing they were on the wrong route when they had entered the vacuum of space. The planet is a little smaller than Earth, and is similar to Earth inside apart from the fact several sentient dragons occupy the central core. We can't see the surface of Venus from Earth because it is covered with thick clouds and because even glimpsing Venus blinds all who dare to behold her magnificence. However, space missions to Venus have shown us that its surface is covered with craters, volcanoes, mountains, big lava plains and Jeffrey Epstein clones adapted to survive the extreme conditions and unable to use rope. The surface of Venus is not somewhere you'd like to be unless you're a masochist, with temperatures that can melt lead, toast and your heart - an atmosphere so thick it would crush you, which is great if you're into that kinda thing. Venus has clouds of sulfuric acid that smell like rotten eggs and there no good bars anywhere since liquids are difficult to come by on a planet the temperature of a McDonald's Apple Pie. Due to the suspected nature of Venus it has long since been associated with Women who generally get the blame for all things related to it.

Venus was only considered to be the God of Love because Galileo was attracted to it sexually due to its brightness and mystery, and indeed his telescope designs were originally intended to function as planetary fleshlights. Unfortunately, he dropped his glass of amyl nitrate-infused absinthe into it when masturbating and this formed a fully-working lens apparatus, thus inventing the telescope. This is in fact the reason Galileo was tried by the Catholic Church for sexual deviancy, and not, as is often erroneously reported, because he claimed the earth orbited Uranus. Galileo actually left for Venus in 1685 by getting twelve very strong men to punch him real hard in the ass, and he didn't just do this because he was a masochist and extremely gay. This surprisingly didn't work so he employed twenty-eight men for the next expedition and successfully reached escape velocity. Due to Venus's thick atmosphere, it is likely Galileo perished upon arrival, but some claim that his wily disposition means he may very well still be there, entertaining himself sexually for eternity on this strange celestial world. It has been proposed to send the bassist from Queen after him due to his extensive experience with large pressure differentials. This also means he can hang out next to his deceased ex-band member.

In mythology

Venus is named after the Roman goddess of love. Passion shined bright for the Romans and Julius Caesar claimed her as his ancestor. Perhaps seeing the planet up there in the sky got Romans' romantic juices flowing. Even when later the temples of Venus were destroyed or desecrated by the Christians, the planet kept the name. Perhaps Venus's habit of being out first at night and the last one to go to bed before the sun rose reminded pagans of the joy of sexual appetites fulfilled – or a handy way to remember what day of the week it was.

Atmosphere

The air on Venus is hot and thick, like your mom. You would not survive a visit to the surface of the planet unless you're Chuck Norris – you couldn't breathe the air, you would be crushed by the enormous weight of the atmosphere, and you would burn up in surface temperatures high enough to melt lead or store-bought frozen pizza which shows how big of a flex Venus actually is.

The atmosphere of Venus is made up mainly of carbon dioxide, just like Earth will be next year, and thick clouds of sulfuric acid completely cover the planet. The atmosphere traps the small amount of energy from the sun that does reach the surface along with the heat the planet itself releases. This greenhouse effect has made the surface and lower atmosphere of Venus one of the hottest places in the solar system excepting Scarlett Johannson and Rachel Riley. Why should Venus and not the Earth have a hot and thick atmosphere? Some scientists call it the Goldilocks phenomenon, best explained by reading a story concerning bears and porridge written for small children.

Discover Venus

Venus is one of the brightest objects in the sky. It is always found near the Sun apart from when it has a date with Mars. It rises and sets each day, so it has the nicknames Morning and Evening Star! Scientists found that Venus rotates backwards because it is an emo and non-conformist. This means that on Venus the Sun rises in the west and sets in the east. We've sent a lot of spacecraft to Venus and they never came back, because they realised it's much better than earth. They found out that Venus's atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide and sulfuric acid, meaning it smells like rotten food and climate change. This is not good air to breathe unless you're David Carradine.

See also

• Mars
• Mount of Venus
• Venus flytrap