Keith Moon

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Don't leave this guy in your bathroom alone with matches and cherry bombs.

Keith John "Moonie" Moon (23 August 1947 1946 – 7 September 1978) was an English drummer who played in The Who. He blew up a lot of shit — preferably drums and toilets — and masqueraded in all sorts of silly outfits, proudly flaunting his masculinity and hairy chest. And he played drums real crazy awesome, too.

Early life[edit | edit source]

Nobody's quite certain when Moon was born, but what's known for sure is that he was born with a bang. Bored with the amniotic fluids of his mother's womb, he rigged up some explosives and burst out of her. Five minutes later, he burst the pipes in the bathroom with a mortar left over from World War II, blowing up the toilet.

At age 12, Moon took up playing the drums, and discovered he was very good at destroying his kit. His wayward mother suggested he become a professional drummer, so he did just that. Discovering yet again that he could blow it up, but was hopelessly freeform when it came to rhythm, Moon took to playing frenetic bursts of percussive noise for about 30 seconds, then detonating the kit.

Career[edit | edit source]

In 1964, Moon's crazy antics caught the attention of John Entwistle, bassist for local rock band The High Numbers. Entwistle offered Moon to join the band, and he immediately accepted the offer. From the outset, however, Moon came to blows with singer Roger Daltrey, calling him "The poor man's Robert Plant" one too many times. Daltrey frequently beat the hell out of Moon, but the wily young drummer had already developed a high tolerance for pain after blowing himself up one too many times. The band soon changed their name from "The High Numbers" to "The Who", due to Moon’s inability to think of any numbers higher than ten.

The Who hit it big with the 1965 single "My Re-Generation", which Moon claimed he wrote about his awkward childhood. More than any other, this stuttering song encapsulated Moon's struggle with mild autism, disaffected by his inability to truly fit into neurotypical society and seeking to find a new body form that would allow him to more fully take his place in society. However, guitarist Pete Townshend got the credit for the song and from then on was chosen as the band's lead songwriter. This led to a flurry of trite hack "pop" singles that had little in common with "Re-Generation", because they weren't written by the same guy.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Keith Moon.

Not that Keith minded. He was too busy blowing shit up and hanging with his new buddy Oliver Reed. Moon also collaborated with Vivian Stanshall, trumpeter and lead singer of the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. The duo's exploits are legendary, perhaps the most notorious involving Stanshall going into an unsuspecting tailor's shop and admiring a pair of trousers; Moon then came in, posing as another customer, admired the same trousers and demanded to buy them. When Stanshall protested the two men fought over them, splitting them in two so they ended up with one leg each. The tailor was by now beside himself but right then a one-legged actor, who had been hired by Stanshall and Moon, came in, saw the trousers and proclaimed "Ah! Just what I was looking for."

Death[edit | edit source]

By 1978, Moon's drinking and drug addiction problems had escalated. Tragedy struck at a party hosted by Paul McCartney when Moon consumed an overdose of Heminevrin, a pain-killer prescribed to help his withdrawal from prescription pain-killers. With his mind clouded with tranquilisers, Moon confused his daily chores (throwing a television through a window and driving a Bentley into a swimming pool) and attempted to drive his Bentley into McCartney's Sussex mansion before jumping into the pool with a television. The subsequent blackout affected large parts of southeasteren England as well as parts of London.

Moon was admitted to a nearby hospital, where he acted entirely irrational and was reported to have bitten a nurse in the chest. At midnight, he woke up and limped out of bed to the bathroom, where in his usual mischievous nature, he attempted to flush five sticks of dynamite down the toilet. When the explosives clogged and detonated, the porcelain shards cut him to ribbons. The next morning, Moon's ribbony remains were collected in a coffin and buried at Tommy's Holiday Camp, to a crowd of 905 weeping bellboys.

See also[edit | edit source]