Kama Sutra

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This ancient scroll was discovered in 1673 at the Taj Mahal within a secret chamber adjacent to the gift shop.

The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text on harmony.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt Kamasutra based on the information contained herein. Please consult your physician before acting on any advice. Participants contributing to this article are independent contractors and not employees, agents or representatives of Uncyclopedia.

How to do Kamasutra

Beginner's level position
Khajuraho Temple, Madhya Pradesh, India

The best way of doing kamasutra is in relief on rock. This gives participants abundant support from the mortar that attaches them to the underlying rock. Participants are able to maintain the difficult contortions of Kamasutra while maintaining unfettered erection(s) for prolonged periods. One should however be careful not to attach the hips or genitals to the underlying rock for these will in motion when Kamasutra occurs. In the rare event when genitals or hips do accidentally get fused to the rock, the Kamasutra suggests the following remedy:

Intermediate level position
Note how the horse's hips are fused to the rock to avoid injury to the horse's buttocks from vigorous to and fro

Have thy fellowmen immerse thy sculpture in a bath of milk, fragranced with rose petals, roasted asafoetida, cumin, fresh twigs of turmeric and jasmine for a period lasting from dawn to dusk. Then have them wash thee with fresh spring water collected from the mouth of the Ganges at Rishikesh. This done, have them gently caress thine entire sculpture with tender twigs of the neem. This should make thine sculpture feel very relaxed and at ease. (Chapter 2, Verse XI)

Regular Kamasutra is known to prolong life and promote a sense of well being in people who practise it. It is also associated with improved short term memory and high levels of alertness. People in jobs with a high level of stress like surgeons, pilots and presidents of America have been advised to have Kamasutra with their nurses, cabin crew and interns, respectively, before embarking on any assignment (and preferably during the assignment too for better results). In parts where Kamasutra is widely practiced (for example South Asia), the inadvertent omission of a chapter on contraception in the Kamasutra's text has led to disastrous consequences with the resources of the world being stretched to accommodate a rapidly burgeoning human population. Kamasutra was thus banned in these parts in 1982. Its chief patrons today are western nations with a sparse population (but tough immigration laws).

History

The Kamasutra was written in India in the early 9th century CE by a group of celibate sages who had no experience in the art of love making. It is one of several holy sutras that cogitate on life and living. Many chapters from the sutra are vividly depicted on the temple walls in Konark and Khajurao. Though it appears that their purpose was to distract pilgrims, it was later explained that their purpose was to expose pilgrims to a surfeit of erotica before they entered the inner sanctum sanctorum. In this way, it was hoped that the pilgrims would temporarily exhaust their feelings of love and lust and thereby enter the temple sanctified and pure. This theory is debatable because God left these temples in the 13th century after noticing that pilgrims thronged the temple walls but never entered the temple.

The Kamasutra was popularized in contemporary culture by John Lennon after he introduced it to the Western World along with the sitar, elephants, marijuana and yoga. However it's virtues were no secret to South Asian men. That is why Indian men are among the most virile and the most accomplished in the art of love making. (If you have a thing for that Indian dude, go for it. No better way to getting introduced to Kamasutra).

Contents

Part One - Introduction

A cheap Roman imitation of Kamasutra illustrating kuttiya sambandh, or doggie style, position

(5 chapters) - An in-depth analysis of love in general and its place in the lives of men and women

• Chapter One: There is no love
• Chapter Two: However there is sex
• Chapter Three: The Three Aims of Life: Sex, sex and more sex
• Chapter Four: There is a lot of sex around you if you observe closely
• Chapter Five: Reflections on intermediaries who assist the lover in the lover's observing and reaching out to the sex in his environment

Part Two - Amorous Advances

(6 chapters) - An in-depth discussion of kissing, various types of foreplay, orgasm, a list of sex positions, oral sex (in both heterosexual and homosexual context), anal sex, paraphilia, incest, bestiality and ménage à trois.

• Chapter One: Too much lubrication is never enough
• Chapter Two: Medicinal properties of vaginal discharge procured from the female (preferably wife's) apparatus during coitus
• Chapter Three: Hairy women and furry sheep
• Chapter Four: Rotund women are the most amorous
• Chapter Five: Biting and oral sex with animals with strong incisors
• Chapter Six: Flatus expelled during climax

Part Three - Acquiring a Wife

(6 chapters) - Dealing with courtship and marriage.

• Chapter One: Divorce and Alimony
• Chapter Two: How to buy a wife
• Chapter Three: Other ways of obtaining a wife
• Chapter Four: How to masturbate in solitude
• Chapter Five: Union with sheep and horses through marriage
• Chapter Six: Enumeration of the oral and coital skills of prospective wives from different regions: Gujarat, Punjab, Maratha, Bengal, Vindhyas, Lanka, Kashmir, Gandhara and Brahmaputra

Part Four - Duties and Privileges of the Wife

(2 chapters) - Dealing with the proper conduct of a wife.

• Chapter One: How to fake an orgasm
• Chapter Two: How to blend into the furniture post coitus

Part Five - Other Men's Wives

(6 chapters) - Dealing with seduction.

• Chapter One: You did not know other men's wives were married if they did not tell you this when coitus was occurring
• Chapter Two: 10 different ways of denying they told you this
• Chapter Three: Climbing down a fire escape ladder the correct way
• Chapter Four: Coveting thy neighbor's wife is a virtue
• Chapter Five: How to dress your wife as other man's wife for maximum pleasure
• Chapter Six: Servants' and slaves' wives are not counted as other men's wives

Part Six - About Courtesans

(4 chapters) - Dealing with the social ettiquettes of becoming and approaching a courtesan

• Chapter One: Overcoming shame, guilt and embarrassment (for the novice)
• Chapter Two: Ways of getting rich (for courtesans)
• Chapter Three: How to get it up (for senior citizens)
• Chapter Four: AIDS (for cheap bastards)

Part Seven - Occult Practices

(3 chapters) - Dealing with kundalini and other yogic methods to heighten pleasure

• Chapter One: Phallus elongators, samsung tools, Hello Kitty Vibrators and virtual sex.
• Chapter Two: Kicking weak sexual partners out of bed without hurting their feelings.
• Chapter Three: Devouring your sexual partner during and after coitus

Part Eight - Managing Post Coital Sadness

(2 Chapters) - Dealing mainly with prolonging climax

• Chapter One: How to return to Part One with an erection
• Chapter Two: Ending life painlessly

Famous four positions of the Kamasutra

Illustrations:

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Image Gallery

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External links