Exodus 8:6
Exodus 8:6 is a verse in the Bible. In fact, it is the best verse in the entire Bible. When fat shirtless Boomers at football games hold up signs that say "John 3:16," that is a typo. They meant to say "Exodus 8:6."
Exodus 8:6 reads: "Vayyet aharon et-yado 'al-meimei mitsrayim vata'al hatsfardea vatekhas et-erets mitsrayim."
That looks like patent nonsense, but in fact, it is a foreign language. And that language can be translated. And when you do that, you get:
"And Aaron stretcheth out his hand against the waters of Egypt, and the frog cometh up, and covereth the land of Egypt."
Let's break this down.[edit | edit source]
Okay, so the Bible tells us that there was a man named Aaron.
And Aaron stretched out his hand against the waters of Egypt.
And a frog comethed up.
And that fucking frog coverethed the entire fucking land of Egypt.
Wait, it meant 'frogs', though, right?[edit | edit source]
No.
But, like, a whole plague of frogs, though, right?[edit | edit source]
No.
But, I mean, it was just as simple typo, right?[edit | edit source]
No.
Jesus Fucking Christ that must have been one fucking Hell of a frog.[edit | edit source]
Yes.
The Frog[edit | edit source]
Scholars have posited various theories about The Frog. Modern-day Egypt is approximately 386,000 square miles in size. In 1270 BCE, it was probably not quite so big. It was probably only 386,000 square miles. Fuck, okay, that's the same number. Empires have expanded and contracted throughout history, but Egypt apparently missed a lot of memos.
Okay, so to cover the whole lands of Egypt, The Frog would have had to been about 620 miles long. An average bullfrog as we know it is about seven inches long and weighs about 0.7 pounds. So, we scale that up - carry the two - and The Frog weighed - holy shit -
160,000,000,000,000,000,000 pounds.
The Frog had its own gravity. The Frog was larger than every human, animal, building, and vehicle ever to exist - combined. The Frog was the size of Uranus's moon Miranda. The Frog was almost as large as your mom.
Well that's weird. What if it was just an ordinary frog?[edit | edit source]
Okay, what we know about The Frog is that it coverethed the land of Egypt. It's hard to see how a seven-inch frog could do that. Maybe through raw speed? Perhaps the velocity of The Frog was so great that it appeared to be everywhere in Egypt, all at once.
If this were the case, it would be reasonable to assume that The Frog were moving through Egypt with a velocity at least 90% of the speed of light.
Apply the Lorentz factor... calculate for relativistic kinetic energy... yeah, to get from one side of Egypt to the other, The Frog would expend as much energy as 600 Hiroshima bombs. The Frog would have incinerated millions upon millions of Egyptians who were just walking to the Nile like The Bangles. They would have been demolecularized and eradicated. The speedy frog is even scarier than the Your Mom frog.
Why no one has written the world's most metal song ever about The Frog[edit | edit source]
Because everyone who witnessed it is fucking dead.
