Evil Jesus, the Messiah to all evil, not-so-evil, and irritable people, is the kind of Messiah who starts a brawl and then stands back to videotape the show. He's the type of Saviour who complains about your favorite movie while his guys lift your wallet. And contrary to popular belief, he is not a friend to the poor. He couldn't care less about them.
Yet Evil Jesus is talented in a twisty sort of way. He is responsible for all supernatural events. Ouija boards, psychic mediums, hauntings, out-of-body and in-the-body experiences, and all unnatural end-around's are Evil Jesus' bread and butter. Because of this, many poets and journalists confuse Evil Jesus with the antichrist. Yet he is very much the opposite of both Christ and antichrist. He's a veritable metaphysical Houdini!
- 1 Childhood
- 2 Adulthood
- 3 Evil Jesus is baptized
- 4 His ministry and parables
- 5 His apostles and other stragglers
- 6 Miracles
- 7 When Evil Jesus rose from the dead
- 8 Evil Jesus's endearing message to mankind
Evil Jesus was born October 12 in 0 BC to 13-year-old Holy Milf Mary and her 85-year-old boytoy, Joey. Because they lived before the formation of Vatican City, which allows you to hump a 12-year-old while standing in line at the communion rail, they told everyone God had humped Mary to keep the authorities away from "Pedo Joe". But they hadn't needed to worry about it, because soon after Jesus was born Joey drank himself to death on a bet.
With Joe dead and kind-of-buried, things started to go South. So Mary had to sell herself on the mean streets of Nazareth to provide food and shelter for Evil Jesus. They lived happily ever-after for sixteen years until Mary was just all plum tuckered out, worn down to the nub. Evil Jesus, complaining every step of the way, now had to provide the food and shelter. But after trying to find various sources of income, and not doing very well at any of them, he started practicing his father's noble profession: drinking. It took many years for Evil Jesus to learn all of its secrets, but he soon mastered it even better than his old man.
That's all we know about Evil Jesus' childhood and teen years. Except for that time when he was separated from his mother, wandered into the Temple, and gathered together the most learned and respected Rabbis in the business, ah, I mean, land. They said they had fervently prayed for the day that a messiah would arrive to teach them an inherent wisdom – a wisdom tempered to a fine edge by the Messiah's unique life experiences – so Evil Jesus commenced mesmerizing them with his bartending skills.
When Evil Jesus turned 21 in 21 he got drunk, saddled up a donkey with the skin of an endangered species, tied some palm leaves onto it to impress the ladies and yokels, and rode ass out of town. For many years he drank, rode his donkey, and sunned himself on the hillsides of Judea. Finally in 33, when he turned 33, he decided to get a real job. He started to stagger around and teach people.
Evil Jesus is baptized
As was the habit in the better parts of the ancient world, whenever a guy was going to go out and talk about holy or unholy stuff, he first had to pass through one of the water parks run by Evil Jesus' cousin, Evil John the Baptist. John pulled in his dough by dunking people into a pool and saying a few words over them, so as to let God know they were working for him. Evil John would then send these religious entertainers over to his squeeze, Evil Tiffany, who'd collect 10 coupons for the baptism and point the newly born-again mimic to the water slide.
Evil Jesus showed up one day, bottle in hand, yelling to be baptized. Evil John grabbed him, dunked him into the water head first, and stole a few swigs from the bottle. Once submerged, Evil Jesus peed on Evil John's leg, farted a bubble up into Evil John's face, and swam away underwater while Evil John chased him all the way to the deep end, threatening his life and the life of his mother. Evil Jesus climbed out of the pool, gave the Baptist the Finger, and got away with the day's receipts. Thus his ministry was born.
His ministry and parables
Evil Jesus would wander drunkenly into town and knock on the doors of the unsuspecting. He'd then either push his way in to gather up the wine, or be rebuffed and have to fight the homeowners. Bloodied, with one eye sometimes hanging from its socket, the homeowners gave him their wine, and told him to get off their property. Jesus wept. From laughter.
The parable of the coat and the hat
A scribe, passing by a public park where Evil Jesus lay passed out face down in his own puke, noticed the vast multitudes gathered around him. Some were going through His pockets, while others pointed to the puke caked on His hair and sandals. Evil Jesus awoke, scratched himself, and began to speak:
"Getahellaway from me, you, whajthehelldoyouthinkyouse doing? Let me tell you a story, little missy. A rich man was riding ona camel oneday, and he came upon two weavers. One was weaving a coat for a poor man, the other was weaving a hat of lotsofdifferent colours, enuf colours to bedazzzlllee, bedaggle, bedazzle the ladies. Soon the coat was finished, and the poor man who woreitgot to survive one of the coldest nights in history. On that same night, let me tells ya, on that same night the man in the fancy hat, this guy who just wanted to impress the ladies, froze to death in the street. A Temple Priest then took the hat off the fancy man's corpse, and gave it to the poor man with the coat. The moral of this story is, youwannaknowwhatitis? The lion will somday laydown withda lamb. Or at least the lambsbones, where the good marrow is. In otterwords, grab all you can from a corpse, 'cause they ain't gonna use anyofit nomore. Now get away from me."
The parable of the skeleton and the tiny girl
A related parable was dictated to a doctor named Luke and, after being lost for two millennia, was sold for a quarter at a 1947 garage sale.
Evil Jesus spoke to the assembled, and told them of a skeleton in the Sinai desert. "This skeleton yousee, it wasjus' lyin there, in the sand, all covered with gnats. Then this itty bitty teeny weeny little girl, let's call 'er Rita, came by an' started to kick the bones all over the place. The tiny girl laughed and kicked, and when a guy in a traveling caravan tried to stop'er, she just hit him with a rib and bounced the skull off his camel. He rode on, and the girl kept kickin' the skeleton around. The moral of this story, youwannaknowwhatitis? "Don't gin up phony controversy. Cause if you can't let a littlegirl kick a man when he's down without bothering her, whodoya think you are?"
The parable of the guy with lots and lots and lots of money
"Onceupons atime," said Evil Jesus to some people on the street, "there's this guy, see. And this guy had lots and lots and LOTS of money, more money than Ican count in a MONTH! Youdon' believe me? Distrue! And then someone comes to'is door, the guy opens it, see, and theother guy asks him for a few pieces of silber. Silfer. Sil-ver, a few pieces of silver. And the rich guy, he slamsthe door in the other guy's face! Rightin'his fickin' face! The moral of this story, youwannaknowwhatitis? Ifyou have enough money for people to come'round askin you for some, hire someone to answer the door and send them away. Oneof your wife's cousins or something. Spread it aroun', ya know whatImean?"
His apostles and other stragglers
Evil Jesus had taken keen notice and a card-shark's interest in the priests and rabbi's and a few of the random prophets around town. He verily saw that at times their crowds gave money and food. So he rounded up a few guys from the bars, sobered them up a little, gave them a few minutes of instruction, and swore them in as his apostles. Then Evil Jesus and his new aposse walked from village to village, spreading good news and breaking into people's houses to swipe the best wine and non-nailed-down valuables.
The smelliest guy in the group, a nimble-fingered tax collector name of Matthew, wrote about Jesus' gang in his so-called gospel). He related how when the authorities questioned Jesus about the break-ins, a lot of weight was given to Evil Jesus's denials. "Had nothing to do with it, better late than seldom" he'd say, and his posse would back him up. But whenever Evil Jesus' ministry came to town the simple folk would hide their stuff and hurry their daughters into the woods, for the arrival of the psychopathic preacher never failing to cause much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Healing the sick
Rumors spread that Evil Jesus could heal the sick, restore sight to the blind, and give that ingrown toenail a run for its money. Thus he obtained a following of selfish bastards.
They'd pester him on the street, follow him into communal outhouses, and even tap him on the shoulder in the middle of his many visits to the communal whorehouses in Jerusalem. "Heal me, heal me, no, me first" they'd pitifully cry. Evil Jesus would stop what he was doing, slurringly order them to "Kneeldownhere before me," and give them a swift boot directly on the top of their head and another (to complete the double-tap) squarely in their baby maker. "Now go, and sin sommore" he'd yell as he poured whiskey down their throats and shove them roughly out the door.
Confusing the adrenaline rush they'd gotten from the kick in the balls with the Holy Ghost filling them with spirit, a concussion's common side effect – "seeing stars" – with being given a glimpse of heaven, and the quick mellowing rush of whiskey to the brain with the touch of an angel, these newly converted outpatients would wander off, oxygen deprived, drunk, and disorienated, to spread the word.
Thus Evil Jesus' reputation grew, along with his bar tab.
Loaves and fishheads
One day Evil Jesus awoke on an outcropping west of the Sea of Galilee, and saw a multitude of people mulling about. "Whatdaya got ta eat?" he asked them. The only guy who had anything took out a loaf of bread and two tiny fishheads. Evil Jesus grabbed them, gobbled 'em down, and threw rocks at guy and the crowd until they dispersed. "Freeloadin'sonsabitches, gettahelloutahere!" and "Beat ya plowshares inta tinier plowshares. You can'tmakedis stuffup," he was heard to mumble before falling unconscious again.
The incident became legendary, although somewhat distored in the telling.
Water into wine
Goes without saying.
When Evil Jesus rose from the dead
One day, after a hearty meal and a food fight, Evil Jesus fooled everyone by letting some rubes in priest uniforms grab him, tie him up, and put him on trial. He thought the whole thing was a hoot. Putting on a clown suit and spraying the priests with water from a fake flower in his lapel, Evil Jesus, after negotiating for forty percent of the crucifixion's beer and popcorn concessions, told the judges "Bring it on." They soon convicted Evil Jesus of being the son of God, a charge which Evil Jesus answered by laughing until he was bent over and red in the face.
Dragging Evil Jesus into the courtyard, the Priest's enforcers whipped and beat him until his skin was frayed down to the bone. Evil Jesus just asked for more. "Hit me again," he cried, "Yeah, over there, a few inches to the right. Yeah, that's it." The beating continued until the slack-jawed priests made Evil Jesus carry a piece of driftwood up a hill, and nailed his hands to it ("Nail my middle fingers up separately," he told them, and then laughed even louder when they fell for it). Evil Jesus made book on how long he'd hang there before giving up the ghost.
Well, he died that day, filled with glee and liquor. When they buried Evil Jesus in his clown suit, little sounds kept coming out his mouth. "Jeep," the sounds said. "Geese. Rollin. Klooff," and a chuckle or two. The rubes locked him in his crypt and got the hell out of there.
As everyone knew he would, after a few days – on Ease-her Sunday ("Ooooh, cool! He is risen!") – Evil Jesus got up and walked away, good as new and rarin' to get drunk and dance with a whore. He spent that evening at Ruby's establishment down by the River Jordan, and everyone laughed like the dickens when Ruby's girls fought over who would be the first to touch the hem of his garment.
Evil Jesus's endearing message to mankind
"Look for the silver lining, and pocket it."
Amen. And on the morning of the third day ...