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Never on Sunday

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"Holy Mary, Mother of God, what's your price for the night?"

A term made famous in the old movie classic, "Never on Sunday" simply means that some whores won't get busy with men, women, or other animals on Sunday. Sunday is considered the Lord's day by all but Jews, Muslims, atheists, Baha'i, Rastafari, Scientologists, Buddhists, Witches, Jains, Hindus, Sikhs, Taoists, the collective tribes of Egyptian, African, Celtic and Roman polytheists, Seventh-day Adventists, Hedonists, native peoples, Gypsies, and other unwashed hippies. So this business practice only applies to Christian whores.

The origin of this eccentric policy dates back to the Virgin Mary, mother of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. The Virgin Mary would never let men make love to her for money on Sundays. She'd just never do it. She'd even go out of her way to appear Zoot.jpgpale, chaste, and without colorful plant dye adorning her face on the Lord's Day, so as not to stir up the blood of her admirers.

Jesus argued with her about this, pointing out to the Blessed Virgin the many benefits of working on Sunday. Jews, for example, were looking for something to do after a long Sabbath's chastity, and what better use of their time than to pay Holy Mary, mother of God[1] to provide a needed service to a member of God's chosen people? Jesus also gave men directions to her house, in hopes that a crowd of admirers waving money at her would get his mother on her back. No dice. Our Lady stayed true to her principles, and honored the Lord's day by making the Lord lunch.

Everyone pointed at the blessed zonah as she strode around town, and laughed about her behind her back. "The Queen of Heaven won't mtsetsi li tazain on Sunday," became a meme in the ancient world of Judea, and this was soon shortened to "Never on Sunday." Hence the movie. And the song.


The Game of Tag

Because of Our Lady's principled stand, Sundays in Judea were a little less lively and a little more lonely. Still, hope springs eternal. Week after week her regular customers, mainly from the upper classes of the Holy Land, would gather in front of her home on Sundays until someone got up the courage to knock on her door to find out if she was accepting "visitors". They were always told "No!", but the esteemed assembled always figured, "Hey, it's worth a shot."[2].

This determination to succeed[3], combined with the Virgin Mary's practice of not whoring herself on Sundays, miraculously initiated the practice of touching someone and then running away, as well as the accompanying expression "Tag, you're it". It is written that this came about one Sunday when an unwashed young outcast suddenly, and for no reason whatsoever, reached out and touched the person in front of him on the shoulder. The man recoiled, and then, with a look of horror and disgust, he turned around and slapped the fellow in his face. This made him run off holding his cheek and yelling, "Ouch! Ow! You tagged me! Oh God, that must mean. . .I'm it."

Nobody thought much more about the incident until a couple of days later, when the Palestinian kids east of town began to imitate what they mistook for a game and started touching lots and lots of their Jewish playmates. Like their agitated elder counterpart, the Jewish kids got really annoyed and pestered at this, and started "tagging" the Palestinian lads like there was no tomorrow. Both of them are still at it.


Cheese on Pizza

Thanks, Holy Mother!

Mother Mary's phobic reaction to sharing her body for money on Sunday also brought about the practice of placing cheese on pizza. The scribes, learned ones, and story-tellers were so busy eating pizza, debating about the best kind of cheese, and thinking up other toppings like mushrooms and pineapple[4], that the exact tale of how this occurred is lost to the mists of history. All we know is that a troublemaker named Judas came by on Sunday for some play with the holy mother, something to do with bread crust and goat cheese being thrown against a wall in anger, and Judas screaming out the phrase "He's like Christ, but infinitely less annoying!"

This turn of events--an entertaining knock-down drag-out fight followed by the unexpected serving of delicious cheese pizza--pleased the onlookers no end.


The invention of Baseball

There was this one Sunday near Solstice that Penisparty.jpga few of her regular customers lined up at the Virgin Mary's door to do the dance of desire with her, for money. Mother Mary came onto the porch and explained to them, very nicely, as was her way, that her morals would not allow her to perform on the Lord's day. The Lord then came out onto the porch, and tried to get His mom to at least give these guys a handjob. She politely refused her Son, and told the men to hang around a few hours until midnight, when she'd do them long time. To relieve their boredom and to try to keep them off the sauce, she gave them a stick and a ball.

They invented baseball. The 90-feet between bases, the infield fly rule, the pitcher covering the base when the fielder is pulled off the bag to field the ball, the whole thing. They wrote the rulebook right then and there too, just because Jesus, after inventing the beanball and laughing His ass off, asked His buddy, Luke the Physician, to write the stuff down. When midnight arrived on schedule, it was suddenly Monday, and the Virgin Mary called them in one-by-one until they batted around.


Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches

The Virgin Mary would sometimes do fantasy gigs for special clients. Here, 157.jpgbased on a real life experience, is one of her favorites. She called it "The Shy Angel", and the guys ate it up, they couldn't get enough of it. Never on Sunday though.

Just because Holy Mary, mother of God, wouldn't practice the art of love with strangers for loose shekels, zuz, and prutot on Sunday, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were invented. This occurred when a good friend of Our Lady of the Evening dropped by one Sunday and saw the long line of men in the street waiting to "talk" to Mary, only heaven knew why they just didn't leave. Feeling sorry for them, she began to spread peanuts on some unleavened bread, but it was so hot in Nazareth that day that the peanuts melted and oozed all over the bread. To stop the goo from spilling onto the table, and to sop the mess up, she placed another piece of bread on top. Then, on a whim, she kind of mashed up some blueberries and grapes and poked them up in there.

Peanut butter jelly.jpgThusly, perfection.


Good penmanship

The art of writing something so someone else could read it came about because the Holy Mother steadfastly refused to accept customers on Sunday, and hung a note on her front door to that effect. Jesus's buddy, Simon Peter, unable to decipher the scribbled lines, knocked and asked his Pal's mom to do him. The Madonna explained that she didn't entertain men on Sunday, politely apologized, and promised Peter "something extra" during his next visit. Simon Peter forgave the Blessed Mother, painstakingly rewrote the note on the back of a homemade wooden wok[5] until it was legible, and hung the wok on the door. This quickly brought about a revolution in the sophisticated art of good penmanship, a rise in the popularity of highly functional oriental cookware, and led to an improbable series of events culminating in Peter being crucified upside down.

At a memorial dinner later that century,[6] Jesus recounted how He came out onto the porch, read Simon Peter's note, and told Pete a bawdy joke ending in the throwaway punchline, "Upon this wok I have drilled my nurse". This was soon misquoted and taken out of context by millions.


Modern Air Travel and Space Flight

A Rabbi's lovin' spoonful greased the wheels of this baby!

Mother Mary's reluctance to juice-the-moist on Sunday led to the advent of modern air travel and space flight. This began when a certain Rabbi was taking way too long to reach his happy ending, and the stars moved quietly into a position which told Mary that Sunday had broken out over the land. She immediately stopped what they were doing, hence inventing the term "The stroke of midnight", and asked the guy to clean himself up, put his clothes back on, and tuck in his zayin for God's sake! She exited the room, leaving the poor Rabbi in a quandary. Should he finish himself off, or let the moment pass?

At that exact moment Jesus walked by on His way to the bathroom. The Rabbi called Him over, showed Him the problem, and asked Him what He would do. Jesus, mistaking the question as a come-on, hesitated for only a moment Madjesus.pngbefore angrily yelling at the Rabbi "Put it back in your robe, mister! Just leave the money in that old manger and get the hell out of here toots sweet!" The confused Rabbi thanked Him, hurriedly complied, and T(t)hey B(b)oth went on T(t)heir merry ways.

How did this lead to modern air travel and space flight? Easy. Since the Rabbi solicited Jesus' advice instead of taking a few extra moments to unleash his seeds unto the ground, he left the Virgin Mary's home just in time to bump into his old friend Rachael. Later that Sunday morning, and being a randy Rabbi, he bumped into Rachael again. The issue of this union went on to beget more children, and those children begot still more, until 83 generations later when separate branches of this remarkable lineage created Wilbur and Orville Wright, the fathers of manned flight; Werner von Braun, the main visionary and innovator of rocket technology; and Jack Parsons, the inventor of stable solid-rocket-fuel technology.

Just because Holy Mother Mary didn't unload the genetic white gold used to kick-start this river, and the Fruit of her womb Jesus told the guy to zip it up and be on his way, the human race escaped the bonds of gravity and took to the skies.

What a pair!



  1. Pay for us now and at the hour of our sweat.
  2. Told you. Hope springs eternal.
  3. Or to have the Holy Mother suc-ceed
  4. Jesus' cousin John came up with that one. Gay.
  5. A wok made by the master carpenter Joseph, Mother Mary's late husband, during his celebrated Chinese period.
  6. The first century!
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