Spawn
“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He’s, like, fucking cool!”
“My new character has, like, chains, dude! He’s, like, fucking cool! And I, like, totally keep the money.”
Spawn is a comic book character created by Todd McFarlane in order to prove he's a real artist. The initial concept was "a black motherfucker", but after a copyright dispute with Samuel L. Jackson it was changed to "a black ugly motherfucker", which led to another copyright dispute with Michael Jackson. Finally, it became "a dead black ugly motherfucker" and got published.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Spawn is the name given to the current Hell's Pawn, the leader of the Army of the Italian infernal motherfucker Malebolgia.
The current Spawn is a dead, infertile, shit-faced,cuckolded CIA loser called Al Simmons. After his death at the hand of CIA boss J. Edgar Hoover, Simmons made a deal with the devil: He agreed to become an ugly bastard loyal to Malebolgia in order to see his wife once again. Malebolgia accepted and Simmons woke up outside his house just in time to see his wife fucking his best friend. At that moment, Simmons realized he'd been screwed.
After realizing this sad fact, Simmons decided to drown his sorrow in beer. Completly drunk, he ended up in an alley, sleeping between two beggars. When he woke up, some Mafia junkie[1] had decided to kill every drunken beggar he could find. Angry, Spawn killed the thug, stripped off his skin and made a tent with it. The beggars then made Spawn their king.[2]
Powers[edit | edit source]
Being an ex-agent of the CIA, Spawn has intimate knowledge of every gun existing on Earth and elsewhere. However, he seems to have a fondness for big, oversized ones. This may be due to the fact that his dick has probably crumbled to dust by now.
Spawn also wears "symbiotic" armor that he stole from Venom. As such, his appearance is almost the same as Venom's with the following differences.[3]
- Chains. It may not be as cool as tentacles, but it still kicks ass. However, Spawn also has the unfortunate tendency to trip over them while walking on rooftops.
- A huge, flowing red cape that, rumor has it, can apparently stop a full-scale Grue attack, but Spawn himself seems reluctant to show this ability off.
- One huge red boot and one small red boot. Apparently, due to the 1991 economic crisis, Malebolgia could not afford a new pair of boots and had to give Spawn some leftovers.
- No huge tongue. Spawn wanted to have one at first too, but KISS threatened to sue him, so he dropped the idea.
In addition, it is to be noted that Spawn also has the power to do anything he wants, but for only a limited number of times. When he has used up his power, he will automatically return to Hell and become Malebolgia's gimp. This particular aspect of Spawn's power seems to have been forgotten over time tough, as only fat thirty-something geeks remember it.
Villains[edit | edit source]
Spawn's rogue gallery is vast and diversified, including thugs, demons, angels, FBI agents, zombies, dogs, C.H.U.D.s, nuns, and hygiene products. Among this huge pile of cannon fodder, only a few are worthy of a name.
Violator[edit | edit source]
While he may look like an ugly, disgusting, fat clown, Violator is in fact an ugly, disgusting, skeleton-like demon. His favorite activity is to violate the rights of minorities, hence the name.
Violator's main power is to creep people out, in either form. He also has the power, according to Violator himself, to kill Spawn with a single finger. Strangely, he never did anything to prove that claim.
Violator is also the oldest of the seven Phlebiac brothers and the grand-grand-nephew of Malebolgia. The other Dalton brothers are, from the oldest to the youngest: Velociraptor, Vasectominator, Vibrator, Visitor, Virginator,and Voltron. The Phlebiac brothers also have a teenage sister called Vaginator.
Cogliostro[edit | edit source]
Cogliostro, or Cog for short, was first thought to be a clone of Obi-Wan Kenobi and an ally of Spawn. Cog first met Spawn after a drunken orgy in a back alley. Finding Spawn to be a good companion, Cog taught him how to use the Force and how to pop a beer can open with his teeth.
In the sixth panel of the eleventh page of Issue 54, however, Cog betrayed Spawn and stabbed him in the back. He then revealed that he was in fact a clone of Cain, the dimwit that killed his own brother, the real Obi-Wan Kenobi. His plan was to raise Spawn's powers and then steal them to become more powerful than Satan himself. Spawn, not pleased at all by the betrayal, used his infinite power to banish Cog to ... somewhere.