The War of the Ring

The War of the Ring was, perhaps, the most pivotal, yet ironically, forgotten war in the entire history of humanity. Thousands of years culminated on this war, and historians choose The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien as the premiere, and most accurate narrative of the War of the Ring. Despite this, little evidence exists, and other historians have tried to cover the faulty lines in history and to combat the growing belief that The Lord of the Rings was really more accurate in historical terms, they classify it as 'high-fantasy.' Sauron, having recovered much of his lost strength, sent out invasions all-over Middle-earth to try and defeat many enemies as once. The War began on June 20, 3018 TA when Sauron began to besiege Osgiliath, but largely to hide the fact that the Nazgul were dispatched to hunt down the One Ring. Another large factor that started the war was that Sauron was out of control, out of line, and out of hand. Literally had his hand chopped off. Lots of grudges. Lots of bad feelings.

Background

It started when Melkor decided to change his name to Morgoth and became a Goth. He wanted to dress up for Halloween every day of the year. It would have been fine with everyone else but he wanted to control them all, and when they didn't fall on their knees with fishnet stockings and get tattoos and body piercings he decreed that Everyone is Hitler. He got into some trouble. He was disembodied and disemboweled. Not necessarily in that order. Along came the Dark Lord (Minion Mimi-Me Melkor) with a name tag bearing the name Lord Sauron. He started even more shit by making a bunch of rings of power and then deceived everyone by saying they were just gifts. But then he made a Master Ring and through it - would control all the other rings. Then he would control everyone and everything and nobody could part their hair wrong or else. But the elves hid a couple of rings from him so he went mad and built a tower fortress next to an active volcano. He got a deal with a realtor from New York City who literally sold property next to a volcano to a guy who would end up as a giant flaming eye. That was a Good One.

When he made war with everyone else, he got his ass kicked by the elves and men of Middle Earth. What's more is that Beavis and Butt-Head were fighting alongside men and elves and because of their quirky attitude, it rubbed off on Isildur, who laughed at Sauron. Sauron by then ditched the name tag and had it engraved in the Master Ring. Isildur thought that was hysterical and chopped Sauron's hand off. Elrond who was there, advised Isildur to destroy the Ring but that was not to be. Instead he rode away with Beavis and Butthead. His retreat didn't last long and orcs ambushed Isildur while Beavis and Butthead were mindlessly standing around watching the orcs shoot arrows at him. He fell into a river, lost the Master Ring and the orcs, having seen him, didn't catch on that the Ring may have just slipped off his finger. The result was that Isildur drowned by falling into a river due to arrows in his back, Sauron didn't get his Ring returned to him, and had to be put into a giant eyeball. But the shadow grew darker. Sauron as an eye had to light himself on fire just to see anything. Later on he had a laser installed. As well as a beacon of sorts. And had himself mounted on top of his tower.

The Ring was found and immediately had its rescuer murdered so it could run off into the mountains, and into the caves. The Ring is stupid as it is evil. But it was retarded and never thought things through. Bilbo finds it, or it found him. With Bilbo it had a better life. But it never counted on Frodo possessing it, because Frodo had every intention of getting rid of it. The dumbass golden band of evil and snark got itself destroyed. That's pretty much what went down.

In an even shorter TLDR, Colonel Kurtz makes the following suggestion; Go read the book, lazy fuck. I'm not about to summarize 6000 years of history for your lazy ass. Or if you're even too lazy to buy a Lord of the Rings book off Amazon, consult this: website.

As a side note, the web link to more about the War of the Ring will be much longer than what you're seeing here. Just an FYI.

The War according to The Lord of the Rings

This is the most comprehensive and up-to-date details about the war and how it unfolded. In the most concise way it can be summed up, is that there were many parties who contributed to the whole thing. Started the whole thing. Messed up a lot of things. Went in the wrong direction and got lost in the whole thing and the elves stood off in the background at first, to avoid war, and finally had to step in and do something because no way were hobbits going to get to screw up the Dark Lord's plans. A piece of the action was had by all. Everyone got dragged into this. Ultimately it was the hobbits that screwed up the Dark Lord's plans.

The War Begins

Saruman, having anticipated attacks from the Rohirrim while Saruman was busy genociding Rohans, attempted to kill Theoden's son while they were crossing the Isen Fords, nearby Isengard. Theoden's son survived, but was brutally injured. He later died. Aragorn, in the North, headed to bree to stay there for while, informed by Gandalf. Boromir son of Denethor son of Ecthelion son of Pelendur of Gondor set off in early July, straying eastwards (and) later Northwards as he attempted to get to Rivendell. Frodo son of Bilbo son of Drogo set out with Samwise Gamgee with the One Ring. While walking through Farmer FMaggot's field, they ran into Merry and Pippin committing serial thievery. It was later found that Merry and Pippin had committed 38,475,837,583,945,734,875,983,745,789,374,598,375,937,523,987,478 counts of thievery.

SAURON as of the late Third Age

A detailed map of the war in Gondor's front.

Around the same time, in Osgiliath, the War came directly as the war began to turn into Mordor and Isengard's favor. Frodo came to Bree later in late 3018, and, after an encounter with the Nazgul at weathertop,came successfully to Rivendell, though Frodo was badly injured. They held counsel there, and decided to end Sauron once and 4 all, they have to cast the Ring back into the fires of Mount Doom. Thus they set out.

The Quest of Mount Doom

They continued quickly over the Misty Mountains, then attempted to pass the Red Horn of Caradhras. But it was in the Middle of January, so naturally everyone would die. They climbed back down and continued through Moria, where for three days they marched on, but on the fourth, they lost the ninth member, Gandalf to 'a Balrog of Morgoth'. What is this? Don't ask us, go look it up, you lazy ass. They went to Lothlorien, and there Frodo Baggins began writing his famous Love-Letter to Galadriel since he began to develop a massive crush on her. Frodo went on the night before they left on February 15th to see Galadriel's Magical Pool of Foresight where Galadriel saw in the far future herself giving Frodo head. Suddenly, Sauron appeared. Then the MPoF stopped working. Galadriel, not wanting to be in a inter-species relationship with a little guy who was a descendant of short humans (humans are independent species) herself, set out to Valinor to live out the rest of her days in peace. Around the same time, Gandalf reawakened from his brief fight with the Balrog. The Fellowship sailed for 11 days until reaching the Falls of Rauros and Amon Hen. Frodo was harassed by Boromir, who suggested giving it to him (editor's note: finally, the evil ring does something smart! Get Boromir to charge into Mordor, then Sauron or the Orcs will find it and give it back to him!) so that he could charge into Mordor and hope Sauron wouldn't find it. Frodo refused. Not on account of giving Boromir the ring, just the idea of him charging into Mordor and making Frodo look like a wuss.

He crossed the river Anduin later that same afternoon, to Mordor, after Merry and Pippin were kidnapped, Boromir was, like his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Isildur, shot with arrows, though Boromir didn't give up until an arrow struck his lung and heart. What a fucking legend. Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn went to Isengard. They were taking the hobbits to Isengard.

Yet Frodo and Sam did make it to Mount Doom. Eventually. The Quest in that regard was a success. That's basically where Frodo was supposed to end up. He ended up there, alright. And how. Through a series of fuck-ups, Mount Doom loomed over the horizon like Devil's Tower. The only thing missing were the UFOs. Frodo was held hostage, taken to within a short distance from Minas Tirith where the Steward of Gondor wanted the ring he carried served up with a delicious entrée. Then he was made to climb up the side of a mountain on a broken escalator. Then he was confronted with a spider that should have been spotted from Lothlórien long before arriving but was conveniently hiding in the mountain. Got captured. Lost his shirt. A very expensive shirt made of Mithril. And ended up having to fight Gollum off just to have a moment to himself to sit in Mount Doom for a breather, soak his feet, and just collect his thoughts. Push came to shove and the fighting over the ring was brought to an end. The Quest of Mount Doom can be scored as a hit and a record for the Genius Book of Idiot Records.

War Ends with Numerous Endings

After Sam almost pushed Frodo into a seething cauldron of magma, Gollum opted to take his place. And one of his fingers too. Having leapt over the side of the indoor-outdoor volcano bridge (that was very kind of Sauron to build there a few thousand years earlier), Gollum melted into a smooth layer of crispy crazy. Large eagles save Sam and Frodo from the resulting eruption bound to happen. Gollum was nothing more than melted skin, bones, and a touch of gold.

You probably think this is the end, don't you? It's so not.

The eagles did not even attempt to save anyone from inside the erupting death trap. Aragorn becomes a king and bows to the hobbits for saving all their asses. Aragorn then cooks everyone dinner and they all feast. They do this about 100 more times before Aragorn points to a map and tells them that the way back to the Shire is still intact and to feel free to use it.

Gandalf travels back with the hobbits. The hobbits get back to the Shire. The Shire is the new Mordor. But that doesn't last. Things get cleared up. Rosie was a slave girl when the hobbits rescued her. Sam asked her to please keep the slave girl bikini regardless, but Rosie was not having any of it. Sam offered her some pipeweed from various places he plundered with Merry and Pippin.

Frodo was still freaking out about some events that happened on their quest. He mopes around a lot. Then he sleeps for months on end. Then he decides to leave Middle Earth for another vacation but one that isn't harmful to his health. And in the opposite direction. Orcs in Mordor who survived were still confused and some were still melted to the sides of things after the lava cooled.

Everyone who was involved in the war had gone home and enjoyed some peace and quiet, a few dinners at one setting, and in Sam's case, a dozen children with a strangely vibrant and not exhausted-at-all Rosie. Apparently that pipeweed was some good shit.

The Alleged Real War of the Ring

Historians, obsessed with being as rational as can be, refuse to believe that magic of any kind exists; or used to exist. Much evidence of the war being real has surface like a body dumped in the Hudson River. And being covered in talismans and trinkets associated with Magick. Not only is that a fair comparison, but it also proved that Jesus rose from the Dead when the body found in the Hudson started swimming again and got to shore just to open up a can of ass whip. Another artifact to prove the claim of authenticity was paper with Hobbit English (or hobbitese for you fancy maggots) has been found near Oxford, England. Tolkien discovered one of these in 1912 and began laboring to translate all documents he had found, along with other documents found and possibly stolen from the skeleton hand clinging to them in one of the basements at Vatican City. Tolkien raided libraries like it was going out of style. It took him a long time to write Lord of the Rings, partly because so much of the original tale had been corrupted or altered, and also because Hobbit English is not exactly a clear strain of English. The earliest surviving record is guessed to be 34 Fourth Age. And in this such document Tolkien now possessed, it contained some interesting writings. Apparently the word Motherfuckers was a thing even back then. Tolkien wasn't shocked. In fact he laughed his ass off. He knew he could have fun with this. He even added his own spin and created Tom Bombadil as a character and devoted a chapter to him. Then he put the pipe down and got back to serious business and dealing with Them.

Debunking common misconceptions

People get into this stuff, and they go a little bit crazy. Then they go driving. There have been mistakes made. Stop signs ignored. Carnage. Really rough stuff. Don't end up as another example.

The Lord of the Rings is inspired by the Ring of Gyges and Norse Mythology

The most common lie is that Lord of the Rings is inspired by Norse mythology. This is simply untrue as many times as you can say it. The truth is that the accounts of the War of the Ring was twisted by Plato and (much later) Norse mythology. Historians do this because the idea that a war being fought over a magical ring could be true, even when a giant eyeball on top a tower is supposedly true, is so ludicrous to them, while of course they accept the hilarious so-called events of The Holocaust. It has since been debunked that the Lord of the Rings was inspired by Men In Black and Dune although reading some chapters may seem as if they had inspired the tale. Men in Black being the Black Riders, and Dune being a vast area where harsh environments can kill you with sandworms, graboids, and prairie dog burrows. Complete with a floating fat bastard that needs whatever you got. Of course, same thing could be said for Beowulf, Norse mythology, Italian mythology, and the Cthulhu mythos.

Frodo and Sam were dating the same Elf

Rumors of Frodo and Galadriel got around but some confused Frodo with Sam, since they all look alike. Sam was always so giddy to be around elves so the confusion was understandable. Then there was the situation with Galadriel's mirror. Everyone also suspected that Galadriel had an affair with Gandalf, too. We may never know, which is fully a blessing and fully a curse at the same time. If you are one of the people that ships Frodo and Galadriel, please before the cows will kill you, throw yourself into Mount Doom before anyone can witness your horrifying art.

  The Lord of the Rings