Hitler Pharmaceuticals
Since 1944, Hitler Pharmaceuticals has provided the very best drugs to clients of the right race, for the right price. In its early years, Hitler Pharmaceuticals began as a mom-and-pop-and-dictator business, but it soon grew into the multi-billion dollar corporation that it is today. Its products are hand-made with the utmost care within the finest incinerators and factories the world over.
History[edit | edit source]
Hitler Pharmaceuticals was initially established in 1944 as a military only installation. At that time, it only consisted of a top secret lab for developing chemical weapons, and a concentration camp. After the Great Fuhrer's death, however, the base was purchased by a wealthy family of neo-Nazis. The Killaton family converted the chemical weapons lab into a pharmacy, and kept the incinerators as is, opening a controversial, but fast growing company. By 1975, Hitler Pharmaceuticals went corporate, aggressively expanding its operations in countries such as: Austria, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Denmark, Norway, Belgium, France, and The Soviet Union Russia. Today, Hitler Pharmaceuticals prides itself on having some of the most high-quality, affordable drugs on the market, and has even made their campaign slogan: "See, this is what happens when you don't employ Jews."
Production[edit | edit source]
Hitler Pharmaceuticals processes all of its drugs in a similar manner, thereby ensuring consistency and quality in its product line.
Jew Ranches[edit | edit source]
The creation of H.P.s products all begin in one of many “Jew Ranches” placed all across the country. Here, modern day cowboys raise jews from birth to be used for future products. All of the jews at H.P. ranches are chemical free, meaning that until they reach puberty, they are fed an all kosher diet with no added hormones or chemicals. They are also free range jews, meaning that they are allowed to roam the countryside asking people for shoe shines or establishing Roth 401K plans. At birth, we install microchips into their bodies, so when it's time to ”Take a long trip to the happy factory”, all we have to do is zero in on their position, throw a bag over their head [1] and take them off to their next destination, the incinerator.
In the beginning days, there was often too much product to send to the incinerators by the handful, so they would hire specially trained jew cowboys to herd the jews to the incinerators. Stampedes were especially notorious at this time, and often innocent farmers would get trampled to death, or get their houses forced into mortgage. Other people would find their taxes finished for them.
In modern times, H.P has specially made trucks that can transport the jews just fine, with little fuss or financial danger to neighboring consumers.
The Incinerators[edit | edit source]
Once the jews arrive at one of the thousands of incinerators H.P. has all over the world, they are placed on a machine that sorts them by gender, region, and sexual preference. Some jews suffer serious injuries on the sorting machine, such as broken bones, but that's okay because they're just jews.[2]
From there, the jews are dropped into one of many different furnaces, and their bodies are torched for approximately 12 hours or until only ashes are left. These ashes are then collected by a special vacuum and disposed of into one of 18 large ash vats. These vats, in turn, fill small barrels which are then shipped to a variety of facilities to be made into drugs. The jews die quickly and painlessly, and are even allowed to watch episodes of The Nanny moments before they are incinerated.
The labs[edit | edit source]
After the incinerators, the product is shipped to one of 18 different labs across the world, although 10 of them are located right in Germany. Here, H.P. makes a variety of different drugs using the base jew ash and jew paste delivered to them from the incinerators. Most of the drugs don't even use the ash as an “active ingredient”, but H.P. believes that it makes the drugs better and speeds the absorption process, meaning that only H.P. drugs provide more immediate effect.
Distribution[edit | edit source]
The finished drugs are then loaded onto another truck, where they are sent to a distribution center. There, the drugs are divided up into smaller doses, repackaged, and loaded onto different trucks. The people who work at our distribution centers unfortunately do very little jew killing, but they do help to make our business work, so in a sense they do help to kill jews indirectly.
Stores[edit | edit source]
From our distribution centers all over the world, H.P. drugs are transported to YOU, the consumer. We take pride in the quality of our materials, and, so long as you aren't jewish, we know that you will enjoy them as well.
Products[edit | edit source]
Following is a brief list of some of the drugs made by Hitler Pharmaceuticals, as well as the marketing pitch. H.P. claims no responsibility for unintended side effects.
Jewagra[edit | edit source]
”What’s more sexy than killing a massive amount of inferior people? Nothing.”
Feeling old and “past your prime?” With Jewagra, you can get the erection of your dreams, all while helping to eliminate the infestation of jews from the planet. It's win-win.
Jewlenol[edit | edit source]
”Stopping headaches by creating heartaches”
Thanks to our fantastic ash delivery system, your headache will find relief faster than any other product on the market. Hitler Pharmaceuticals guarantees it. By the way, “heartaches” only applies to jews.[3]
Jewtol Bismol[edit | edit source]
”Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, genocide.
We already know that many doctors and poison control centers coat the stomach with chalk or ash-like ingredients as a way to fight the acidity levels in the stomach. This combines both, the lovely pink chalkiness with the dark ashiness to ensure that your stomach acid is non-existent.
Jewka Seltzer[edit | edit source]
”Plop, plop, fizz fizz, where’d they go?
The future of H.P.[edit | edit source]
Hitler Pharmaceuticals has huge plans for the future, including a projected theme park set to open on December 2012. The theme park will chronicle the history behind Hitler Pharmaceuticals, and include all kinds of new rides and games. Children can play on the incinerator simulator where they get to see what it is like to burn hundreds of jews at the touch of a button. Children can also enter “The little Hitler’s club”. Members get to dress up just like Hitler, and recite poems and limericks devoted to the Fuhrer. Little Hitlers also have the responsibility to keep on the lookout for suspicious behavior, such as people acting gay or jewish, or parents not letting them have dessert.
Ultimately, however, the core of Hitler Pharmaceuticals is the drugs and the jew killing. Without the latter, H.P. wouldn't stand out. It'd be just another drug company. But if you add in H.P.'s civic services, you will find that H.P. most certainly does stand out, and plans to help make the world a better place for as long as they are in business.
- ↑ Jews are allergic to bags.
- ↑ It is a well-documented fact that jews don't feel pain, and if they weren't put here on this earth to die and be made into pharmaceutical drugs, than why is it happening? Surely, if people are allowing it to happen, that must mean it's okay. Thus says the teacher.
- ↑ Unless you're gay, black, or you disagree with H.P.
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