Uruk-Hai
The orc horde known as the Uruk-Hai were orcs with body-builder trainers. Uruk-hai which in the Black Speech means orc folk, but in German means Awful Viking Sushi. They were more than just orcs. They were meaner than the average orc. They hunted their prey like Ringwraiths hunted the Hobbits. And Saruman put them up to it. They were dark spirits living in plastic sacks under tree roots and mud. The result of shabby landscaping that twisted the trees and caused deep resentment within them. Not to mention that the Ents got involved as they were the ones who were given the task to plant all the trees around Isengard, which is were the Uruk-hai sprang from.
They had the strength to pull off Saruman's attempts to wipe out Rohan, they just never asked why their master was so hell bent on possessing the king of Rohan when they were just going to be collecting his head anyway. But they weren't fully educated in the maliciousness of the wizard who birthed them out of the ground. Going out of his way to give clanky armor and surprise boot camp inspections that he paid for himself with the slave labor he employed before they had a chance to ask what the fuck just happened to their cozy, claustrophobic mushroom and moss coverings. It wouldn't matter, they would end up marching off to Helm's Deep to witness the crazy antics performed there by Legolas who would kill them after impressing them, and have their nervous system twitch while Gimli kept a tally of killing as many of them as he could, himself.
Being dragged out of the mud[edit | edit source]
The mud had previously been dirt, but the wizard generously watered the trees before having them ripped out by their roots, or cut down. In an act of extra cruelty, he had most of the trees burned. So there was mud, gnarly roots, and charred tree bark and embers. The Uruk-hai came out of their fetal positions covered in soot looking like chimney sweeps. Allegedly they were forced to sing songs from Mary Poppins, too. They were aggravated and whipped into shape. They were surprisingly militant. They seemed to have no problem forming ranks and being battle-ready. The mud was never washed off of them. That would come later. In a surprise attack by tree-avengers of all things.
But to add to the mud packs, Saruman dipped his hand in Dutch Boy latex paint #12003 Satin White, and slapped them upside the head. He did this to their helmets, too. He got real happy with leaving his hand print all over them in a fit of Pee-wee Herman-style giddiness. The orcs put up with it. No one knows why.
The orc training that was thrust upon the newly birthed menace machine was very brutal and messy. Mud was everywhere. Paint was everywhere. Gollum was everywhere. Tracking through it, playing in it. Making it worse. Saruman got drunk and started painting everything white and the orcs got revenge and started painting everything black. Trees cried out in horror. Trees were dying by the day, and it took them a week just to do that.
The mud dried out, so of course the wizard whipped up a storm to refresh it. But he only knew the spell for conjuring ice age blizzards and avalanches. So they brought in a hose and watered everything down making very cold mud. The orcs protested Saruman's inability to produce volcanic mud, which is better for the skin, and they all threatened to quit and join the forces in Mordor. Saruman assured them that he was on the ball horn with Mount Doom. The orcs somehow believed him. No one knows why.
Being sent to kill everyone[edit | edit source]
After Saruman's top generals satisfied themselves that the orc army was ready to move out, they began being assembled and given unrealistically long spears that could never be used for pole vaulting and shields more likely to put their own eyes out. This army was starting to realize that they were expendable and used to fit the latest trend. They made a lot of noise. Threatened to kill everybody and their cousin. Saruman boosted morale when he gave them marching orders to go and do just that.
What they didn't realize was that they would be going hundreds of miles, on foot, across rugged terrain to a stone fortress that may or may not be filled with vicious awful vikings. Then there was the oddity that a scouting party of orcs were en route to Isengard as they were, in fact, taking the hobbits to Isengard. Merry and Pippin were their captives, carried like sacks of potatoes. However, they never reached their destination. The hobbits escaped their captors, the orcs were back on the menu and the ents were activated to smash into everything by the end of this fiasco.
Along the way to their doom, more or less, wargs were encountered. Flying beasts were spotted. Strange appearances all over the fields that were said to be haunted were noted, and something else that had them spooked, unnerved and put off their food. At first they didn't know what it was but some straggler was left behind and eventually the orcs caught up with him. It was Danny DeVito. The orcs roughed him up, wanted to put him on the menu, and frisked him for any bling or food he was carrying with him. They asked him what the strange globs were they've been running into all over the place. Danny explained that it was Lady Éowyn's stew. The orcs let him go. He got lost and ended up back where the orcs were getting within reach of Helm's Deep. Danny told them it reminded him of Gotham City, and that it smelled like it.
The plan was simple enough. Get to the fortress, kill everyone, go home. But that was not to be. A lot of people showed up. Elves showed up. Elvish princesses showed up. Aragorn was there, as was his super duo sidekicks. Many orcs died when a tossed dwarf bashed into them from above. Then Gandalf showed up with an army of Rohirrim, hellbent on revenge. They dodged arrows and catapults flinging boulders. And stew made by Éowyn, the more deadly weapon. They knew the fight was lost. They just didn't know how bad.
It was already raining. There were elderly men in the ranks who couldn't see shit. Gimli the dwarf who would be tossed to end them, couldn't see shit. Elves were there in large numbers but the best elf, Legolas, was just as hellbent at killing as many orcs as he could to compete with Gimli. The elvish warrior princess clobbered many of them and never broke a nail. It was as if they were sent to kill everyone, but were never given specifics on who the everyone was. Because none of these people or Hollywood actors were complying with the whole being killed thing. They flipped the script. They were surprisingly efficient in Black Belt and Mongolian war tactics. They could swear that even Genghis Khan had shown up.
Before their final defeat, many came to the aid of Helm's Deep against them. Notable figures who were at Helm's Deep included George Carlin, the Ghostbusters, and Godzilla. It was ridiculous how many were that attached to saving the fort. When Saruman told them that king Theoden's hundreds would face his tens of thousands, he never took into account that Rohan was already building armies, and supplies, and stew ingredients. Saruman was so busy plotting from the safety of his corporate tower and fancy smart ball device that he overlooked so much. And for all the money he spent on orc gear and weapons, they were no match for such crazy improbabilities. Saruman consulted his smart ball to get a forecast on how his war would turn out. It would only keep showing a guy, dressed like him, in a black turban in a pile of ashes, only to have his image propped up by a Cardboard Box.
Getting killed by most of everyone[edit | edit source]
The main army being stirred up to head out and start some shit, were ordered to just simply walk into the east and turn left and then keep going until they hit a wall. The main objective Saruman had was to gain control of that region. Rohan was a nice region and all, but it was wild and unpredictable.
Especially with the shrubbery, hedges, and ents planting themselves wherever the hell they wanted and then planting their roots and branches into any orc that came their way.
It was a turning point in the battle and strategically speaking, that was bound to happen anyway. Tree herders are unpredictable. They could hide among trees. That was their advantage. Their master skill. They'd made it to Helm's Deep unseen and unnoticed. And clashed there with their enemies. The uruk-hai killed some men and elves, and poor Haldir, but they didn't kill everyone and then ended up getting killed by some garden variety avengers. The Uruk-hai never saw it coming until the last minute. In hindsight, it wasn't just various people at Helm's Deep that couldn't see anything, the orcs couldn't see anything either.
As an aside, Ents had a thing against orcs. But as lore goes, basically they had a thing against everyone. Nobody was on their side. Thus, they were not altogether on anyone else's side. But there were folks who were on their side. But they scared people, though. It was an odd relationship between a tree thing and a person. It would always seem to end in some kind of violence or ownership. Trees were expected to kind of stay put. Folks were expected to be twisted up in roots to feed them. This was the world Ents lived in. They really had a great time at Helm's Deep and followed up with an even better time when they wrecked Isengard. Not all the Uruk-hai went east. There was plenty more Ent foot to plant into orc face.
