Grond
Grond was a large Battering Ram that was made to have its face smashed into things. It was named after a hammer allegedly from the Underworld that was seized by a giant Troll who tried to take over the Universe. When the forces of Mordor attacked Gondor, they brought along the monstrosity of Grond which required a legion of orcs, giant cave trolls, oliphants, and a crane to push it toward the gates of the city, Minas Tirith.
Grond was a large tree trunk and carved at one end as a very vicious werewolf, with detailed craftmanship showing a snarled snout and glowing eyes of fire. This was due to the black heavy metal lined inside its mouth enabling a seething cauldron of fire and lava to cook while in transit. When the time came to use it, it would drool with lava while looking forward with fiery eyes that seemed like they could really use some Visine®.
Grond was not easy to haul, and many orcs got trampled because of it. Luckily, the forces of Mordor brought extras to replace the fallen, and use their corpses as filling for any deep trench that was made by the sheer weight of the thing. Grond was said to have weighed 12 million tons. But ironically, that's what most orc ladies weighed, so they were used to it. They followed the Black Captain Dynamite to the gates, who was in fact the infamous Witch King. And while Grond itself was huge and a phenomenally insane rolling catastrophe, the Witch King, aka Black Captain Dynamite, put a spell into the giant log to bring ruin to anyone in its path. And then for some reason, he got right in its path. But that was allegedly to utter the spell and he was already dead anyway.
Orcs Cheering Grond On[edit | edit source]
Many orcs chanted Grond. As it was written in the Lore of Middle Earth, stating:
Orc #1: Grond! Orc #2: Grond! Orc #3: Grond! Orc #4: Grond! Orc #5: Grond! Orc #6: Grond! Orc #7: Grond! Orc #8: Grond! Orc #9: Grond! Orc #10: Grond! Orc #11: Grond! Orc #12: Grond! And so on.
It was dark, grim, as they repeated its name over and over. Darkly. And so it continued, growing in fervor and stupidity. By Orc #47, the chant had achieved a primal rhythm. By Orc #78, several orcs had begun weeping with religious ecstasy. By Orc #85, the chant had evolved into a three-part harmony because orcs are surprisingly into barbershop. While others unleashed Wagner style opera singing. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond.
Lots of Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond.
More of Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond.
Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Grond. Whop bop b-luma b-lop bam bom Grond! Grond! Tutti Frutti Oh Grond Grond! Yeah Yeah Yeah Grond! Grond! Grond! Grond! The hills are alive with the sound of Grond! Grond! Grond! Grond! Here Comes the Grond! Grond! Grond! Grond! Grond it! Grond it! Don't you make me repeat it! Grond!
This is how they would carry on while corpses piled underfoot, giant trolls struggling to haul the semi bed holding up the weapon mounted with chains and a large metal frame, specifically built for a Dark Ages style nuclear missile.
Grond Was Unstoppable[edit | edit source]
Orcs #90 - 290: Grond
Orcs #291 - 390: Grond
Orcs #391 - 480: Grond
Orcs #481 - 580: Grond
Orcs #581 - 666: Grond
Orcs #667 - 777: Grond
Orcs #778 - 900: Grond
Orcs #901 - 1001: Grond
Orcs #667–777: (now in Latin, for some reason) Grondus! Grondus! Grondus!
Orcs #778–900: Grond. But with increasingly unhinged voice cracks and one orc who keeps screaming it in a Scottish accent, while a few others used pirate slang. Garrrrnd.
Orcs #901–1001: Grond! Grond! Grond! The chant slowly devolved into heavy breathing and dry-heaving as the orcs visibly ran out of oxygen.
Gandalf vs the Witch King[edit | edit source]
Because Grond eventually crashed the gates, it would prove that the lava and fire were really unnecessary and over budget. The Witch King stood at the shattered gates, Gandalf seated on Shadowfax on the other side of the debris just looked at him with no expression. He doesn't flinch or fail. The Witch King wearing his Black Captain Dynamite cape and sigil tunic laughs as he rides through the broken splinters of Grond and the Great Gate.
Let me guess, Grond? Gandalf asked.
