Samwise Gamgee

He simply walked into Mordor.

Known as the real hero in the history of The War of the Ring, Samwise Gamgee was a devout and loyal friend, sidekick, servant, gardener, and smart ass companion to Frodo Baggins. His role in the epic adventure, history, the unfolding of the great tale, was pivotal. He didn't take on any leading position but what he did do was subtle. It was something the enemy never saw coming. He established himself as the Ring Bearer's friend. This was essential in being able to move freely within the Fellowship without anyone questioning his presence. The friend is never suspected of being the mastermind and always has a plausible deniability. Then he established himself as the cook. This was an important part of his strategy as it would lead to him educating others on how to cook potatoes.

And the many ways potatoes can be cooked and prepared. Sam even set himself up as a waterlogged and half-drowned hobbit in order to help Frodo commandeer a boat and head out with him in the hopes they would eventually capture Gollum and make him go first into Mordor. Sam had already established himself as Frodo's gardener, and it was because of this that Frodo never questioned the line of seedlings he planted along the borders of the evil land in order to find their way back. It was risky but he figured they'd start blooming by the time they were finished visiting the volcano. He had his work cut out for him.

Sam was prone to being a sensitive hobbit. He lived a good life thus far and he cared about his friends. He had strong roots with The Shire and he loved the land and the peaceful existence it offered. He'd heard about evils in the world, like witches and goblins and the occasional dragon but in his quest with his companions he was bound to be a bit shaken up by scarier creatures like the Balrog, the Jabberwocky, and Orcs. Nevermind what the rest of what the Eye of Sauron was attached to. Samwise still stood valiant against the dark and evil forces that he knew were still so stupid since they didn't even know what Taters were.

Skilled in All Things Botanical

Tiptoe through the tulips of the Elves.

In his younger hobbit years, he traveled to numerous gardens of the countryside to learn about crop management and storing the harvest yields to make wine, pipeweed, and the Shire's famous ingredients for their world-famous salad bar specials at every Italian restaurant from the shores of the Bay of Belfalas to the seedy harbors of Rhûn. Sam would travel to Southfarthing to pick up barrels of its most popular harvest, the Longbottom Leaf. His parents were great cooks and worked at a fancy Shire restaurant themed with outdoor cafés and they used a French accent to add to the charm. They would bake what Sam would bring to them into chocolate cakes and brownies. The Gamgees were always eating these special treats, but so was everyone else. Sam began growing all kinds of plants, flowers, vegetables and a few trees from the seeds Bilbo Baggins gave him that he stole from an Ent a long time ago.

The southern part the Shire was in a warmer climate so growing crops of everything under the sun was possible year-round. It was also one of the rare places in Middle Earth where the sun never set. It would get close to dusk but it would jump right back up and be noon again. It never wanted to leave the sky over the Longbottom Leaf. It was a solar oddity but no one was complaining. It wasn't until dark times and some ringwraiths started coming around that the sun actually did set and strings of lights went up and they called on Gandalf to bring fireworks for the evening. Some flowers wilted. Sam cried out Where have all the flowers gone?! and he began an investigation. He rightly suspected this might have been because of Frodo. Or something to do with Frodo. It did have something to do with Frodo. Although indirectly. He put on his detective hat and tended to the flowers at Bag End. He was spying. Staking out the joint. He was on the case while making sure the plants were watered.

Sam Was A Natural At Not Being Turned Into Something Unnatural

The great Samwise was a hobbit to be reckoned with, back in the day. Yet when Gandalf was around he would become anxious. He took to spying, and eavesdropping and dropping of eaves even when he denied it. He'd witnessed Gandalf turning crickets into toads, and sometimes toads into other toads. One species chirping and confusing other toads who only ribbitted or croaked, and one species that started suffering from identity crises. Sam would not, however, let this stop him and he did fancy himself a good detective although he never cracked the case involving Frodo and the oddity of dark customers lurking all over the Shire. So in the cover of evening, he hid himself in the shrubbery under Frodo's window while Gandalf spilled the beans about Bilbo, the One Ring, the Elves, the Dark Lord, and Gollum's stupid ass.

Sam was an educated hobbit and naturally knew all things. Being turned into unnatural things was one of his pet peeves when the locals did it, but they were harmless with their Voodoo. It was terrifying to him that a wizard like Gandalf would do something with him that might forever ruin any chance he would have to live a normal life. Being turned into something unnatural included, but was not limited by, having spontaneous human combustion, Hypochondria, becoming Dr. Phil, and suffering from Sudden Exploded Head Syndrome. But in this instance, Gandalf opted to send him with Frodo to embark on a journey. Just as Sam was about to run for the hills at Underhill, Gandalf promised that they would be visiting the Elves. Sam loved the idea but it was too easy. Something was off. And Sam was right. Naturally.

No he'll go! You ain't so! You can blow! Stop it, bro! Potato!

He Was Vocal About Frodo Getting Medical Help

His fellow companion had just been stabbed although he did put up a good fight. During the fight Sam was accidentally hit with his own frying pan. Sam was very enraged by these turn of events. Being in shock he thought Frodo was dead, and this would be theme in a later event that would eventually reveal Frodo wearing a fancy Mithril shirt with such a shabby cloak and tunic. For now, Frodo was wearing a shabby cloak and tunic hiding only a shiny gold Ring of Doom. Sam shook off the terror and began calling for a medic and an emergency number for the nearest deli.

When these needs were not met and the ringing in his ears started, he griped about the condition of the roads. He let everyone know, under no circumstances, was it proper to be outside when Frodo was injured. He told Aragorn off. He told Merry and Pippin to get lost if they sang another verse of Another Bottle of Green Dragon Ale On The Wall. And he growled at anyone else coming along to help. He even went into long diatribes about how everyone got too damned drunk and wraiths were now trying to kill Frodo. Nothing was going to settle his nerves and despite Merry and Pippin cooking extra breakfasts and lunches and dinners along the way, it was too little, too late and they had to keep going. The wraiths ruined whatever camp spots they came across by showing up to claim the ground. Sam wanted to set fire to them, but by then they had to keep moving to get Frodo the help he needed. Sam, being beyond aggravated to no end, asked Elrond once they reached Rivendell, if he had any idea how traumatizing the special effects were when the river washed all the wraiths away. Now that Frodo would need stitches and therapy.

Sam's night vision goggles were almost as good as Gollum's.

He Was Quiet All Throughout Moria

While Gandalf successfully hacked the front door of Moria, the hidden security feature was activated and it wasn't taken out or killed. Sam whispered about it coming back through the opening and following them like a lost guppy, since it was a fish creature of some sort. The darkness was unnerving as Hell. The reality of the situation was starting to drive Sam into a deep depression and he hallucinated. He whispered quietly about sowing summer barley in the lower fields then quietly began having panic attacks about the sun being manipulated by chemtrails. He whispered to Frodo about the taste of strawberries and cream. Frodo was too distracted by Gollum shadowing him. He told Sam that shadowing anyone in Moria is fucking pointless. Sam wanted to be rid of Gollum once and for all but there was no hope of finding the creature in the vast darkness. It wasn't until Gollum attached himself to Frodo's back making him carry his frail anorexic-self that they even noticed he was there.

When the company found the tomb of Balin, and all the dead dwarves lying about, Sam tried to warn everyone to flee. They might get blamed for all of that. He outlined the fallen with chalk and in the book left on Balin's tomb, there were pages left blank. So Sam wrote in that they were just traveling through and all those dwarves were already dead when they got there. He included contact info such as Saruman's address, Mordor's national archives, and a bridge that was on sale on Amazon. The only time Sam let out any scream was when the Balrog showed up. But they were pretty much all the way through and by then, it didn't really matter who (or what) heard them. As a reference, Sam waited until they were fully out of Moria and on their way to the next region before screaming.

At first, Sam was relatively polite. Until Shelob. Until Cirith Ungol. Until Mount Doom.

He Piped-Up Again After Moria

Being a suspicious hobbit and using his detective skills, Sam realized they were going further away from home. He knew he signed up for this, but he had secretly hoped that after the nasty encounter with a balrog that everyone would come to their senses and head back. Even if it meant having to blast through Moria again. He got into an argument with Aragorn. Then with Legolas. Then he snapped at Boromir. Then he stormed off heading South. After about three yards he turned around, came back and grabbed Frodo, insisting that he come with him. Merry and Pippin grabbed Gimli and started heading East. Boromir offered to arm wrestle Frodo for the One Ring if he was really going back to the Shire. Frodo ran ahead of Sam toward oblivion and Aragorn started getting really pissed off. It was nightfall by the time they got off the mountain and regrouped near the borders of Lorien.

Of course, by then the hills were swarming with orcs, and Sam was particularly mouthy with them. After he listed off all their faults and brutally criticized their appearance, they sulked back into the caves and what was left of the exit out of Moria. Sam didn't care, he would have went back through there just to clobber them. He was out of control.

After Aragorn managed to get everyone back into a group and follow him toward the Golden Wood to meet Galadriel, Frodo asked Boromir if he really would have taken the Ring. Boromir tried to evade Frodo's line of questioning but Sam called him out. For the next couple of miles Sam and Boromir argued back and forth. Frodo figured that both Boromir and Sam would be the culprits of any Ring theft should it suddenly come up missing. Frodo whispered to Aragorn if he could still see Boromir. He nodded in the affirmative. Then he asked if he could see Sam. Again, Aragorn nodded yes. Frodo then realized he couldn't see Gandalf. Gandalf stole my Ring! Frodo shouted. But Aragorn reminded him that Gandalf was eaten by a balrog. Then Frodo felt silly because he still had the Ring the whole time. Nevermind.

Watching Over Frodo, Arguing With Gollum

After the harrowing escape from Moria, and after getting his fill of Elves in Rivendell prior to that, Sam found himself surrounded by even more of the elf folk. While Gimli breathed so loud due to carrying so much armor and Legolas' hair care products, the forest elves spotted and heard the team moving through their woods. But it was the bloodcurdling scream that Sam let out that woke everyone up from Mirkwood to Fangorn. Since they had to send Bill (their pack mule) home after the security gates at Moria caused them to have to leave him behind, Gimli was assigned to Bill's former role. Sam and and the rest were ambushed by the elves who were apparently also Ninjas. Sam had to break out his bullhorn and instruct everyone to calm the fuck down. Eventually they were blindfolded for the rest of the trip and guided by the elves to Lothlorien. Gollum was being his usual self and used his blindfold as a loincloth, discarding his old one. Which nobody was going to pick up. The elves had to burn an acre of forest just to get rid of it. Sam let Gollum know that he was keeping his eye on him. Sam and Gollum almost got into a fight before the elves had to break it up. When they all got to Lothlorien, Galadriel wondered how the fuck Gollum was even allowed passage. No one could really answer that with any logical response.

Gollum would hang out with Sam and Frodo until there was only Sam and Frodo. Thanks to Boromir, that just kind of worked out in Gollum's favor. Until Gollum was informed they were heading to Mordor. And that was final. Gollum, of course, argued that there were better places to visit. The shadowy mountains that contained a host of dead guys was suggested. But Frodo was already on a mission to head to the volcano known as Mount Doom. Gollum went schizoid and Sam was forced to decode as much as he could from those conversations that Gollum was having with the other Gollum. Frodo explained that it was actually Smeagol talking and arguing with Gollum. Sam couldn't pronounce that so he just called him Stinker. Sometimes he called him Steggol, or Stalewart, or even Smedley. Either way, Sam was aggravated that Gollum chose to follow him and Frodo into Mordor when he/they/them/it could have followed Aragorn and Legolas to some mountain of dead dudes. Sam had to help Frodo overcome the despair of having to go to a volcano when a mountain filled with an army of the dead was obviously the better option. Sam watched over Frodo to make sure he wasn't trying to scramble the GPS, since he had already gotten them lost with his clever trick of having Faramir give directions on the map.

Gollum and Sam got into arguments about food, especially taters and of course they were going to argue about fish. Traveling with Gollum was all about the fish. And he always smelled like fish, but strangely also onions, garlic, and lemon pepper. Gollum had something going on. He was biting into raw fish and adding to the shock value of how hard it was to rough it in the wild. But he would go off somewhere. Returning as if he'd been to a picnic or BBQ. He brought gifts back with him. Sam and Frodo never knew where he got the gifts, but suspected he had some stash of goods here and there. Ironically Merry and Pippin were having the same dilemma with Saruman but unlike Sam and Frodo, they just stole all of the stashes here and there. There wasn't much the tree-stumped wizard could do. And of course, Sam argued with Gollum about not being able to find stashes of food, salted pork and pipeweed.

Dwarves Got Tossed But Gollum Tossed Himself

Gimli hated being tossed. All dwarves hate to be thought of as small folk. It's in their nature to be fierce and they would be Klingons if they could pass themselves off as that, but being tossed is just too much. Then there's Gollum. Small and so thin no prison bars can hold him. He's slippy and slithery. He's been described as a jellyfish in a jar of Vaseline.

When the opportunity came, he tossed himself into a hole just to escape his old life. He tossed himself into a spider's lair. He got himself tossed into Sauron's dungeon. Then he went the extra leap and tossed himself into the volcano. Literally becoming the first volcanic sacrifice and taking the One Ring down with him. Of course, Sam took notes and would be the only one to recall the events at Mount Doom since Frodo was a basket case by that time.

Sam was probably the one who wrote in the Red Book (which would later be called The Lord of the Rings) the part about Gollum's tossing and his ultimate demise. The entry originally stated the following;

He was a real pain in the ass. He knew where dark and evil things lived and he hung out with them. He ate raw fish and acted like a total retard. But a glorious thing happened when he tossed himself into the fires of Mount Doom. He seemed quite surprised as I watched him sink into the lava. He was so fried. He didn't stand a chance. The Ring was destroyed along with his scrawny ass. All his evil deeds and the blasted Ring became nothing more than puffs of smoke. And he only had himself to blame. He shouldn't have tossed himself like that. But oh well. Gollum really was a Fuck All pain in the ass!

Family Life

Hobbits being Hobbits.

When Sam returned to the Shire, he didn't waste any time and started asking Rosie Cotton to hang out with him. They eventually tied the knot. And started their own little family. Their firstborn was Elanor the Mystic. Along came Frodo Part II. But that wasn't all. Rosie and Sam got even more busy and had Rose (short version of Rosie), Merry the Sequel, Pippin Part Two of Took, Goldilocks, Snow White, Cinderella, Hamfast the Homeboy, Daisy (to replace Frodo's cousin) and Primrose.

Then Sam and Rosie had another son and named him Bilbo, just to keep the name alive. Although he never named any of his children Smeagol, Gollum, or Spock, it would have been a little too familiar and possibly asking for trouble. And Sam hated Gollum. Hobbits were reportedly really superstitious. Ruby came along. On a Tuesday. Then Robin was born, and headed off to England. Tolman was the next to be born and is rumored to have changed his name to Tom Homan, the Border Czar that kept all illegal entities out of the Shire. This eventually included Aragorn, as well. But Sam and Rosie wasn't quite finished repopulating the Shire with hobbits. They produced two sets of twins named Mumbo and Jumbo and Marco and Polo. They also produced triplets who were named Larry, Curly, and Moe.