Scary Things that live in the Forest

"I am fearful of the scary things that live in the forest!", says the hyena.

When most people think of the forest, they think of cute little mammals like the ever-present white-tailed deer, the irresistibly delicious chihuahua or other things like the badger. True, these animals do in fact live in some forests, but what most people don't know is that for every cute or not horribly unpleasant animal there are at least 17 hopelessly violent, flesh-eating and/or incredibly malevolent monsters as well that are not usually considered to exist but which in fact do because someone said so or because we feel like they should.

These animals are unlike any other sort of animal except for cheetahs or jellyfish in that they are scary. Very scary. These mysterious creatures are so scary they scare other scary things like dinosaurs (which themselves were pretty damn scary) and six-armed gang-raping fire-breathing space monkeys. So yes, if you hadn't picked up on this yet, they are very scary animals. Even hyenas fear the scary things that live in the forest.

What do the scary things that live in the forest eat?

There are very few things that the scary things that live in the forest will or won't eat. Usually, they like to eat babies and corn chowder but have no qualms against eating turtles, clover or hedgehogs.

Where do the scary things that live in the forest live?

The scary things that live in the forest invariably may and/or may not live in the forest, unless they do and/or do not which is always.

"I also am afraid of these scary things in the forest!", says this duck.

What ever am I to do if confronted by a scary thing that lives in the forest?

Scary things that live in the forest do not usually attack human beings, but then again are not unknown to tear off all of their limbs and gouge out their eyes with plastic spoons. If this happens, it is best to remain calm and wait for the eight or nine hour long attack to relent. When the scary thing that lives in the forest has moved on, it is now safe to seek assistance. This is when ducks come in handy.

What kind of things that live in the forest are considered scary?

Over nine percent of all of the scary things that live in the forest are either bears, abnormally large vegetables or gigantic blood-sucking moths. Around four percent are larger than average birds with sharp teeth and another two or three percent is made up of panthers with three ears. All other scary things are either old toasters manufactured between 1987 and 2002, macadamia nuts, grossly overweight sled dogs with flesh-eating diseases that leave them horribly disfigured and the occasional jet-propelled weasel or blue cactus that shoots flames at old people.