Worst 100 Religions of All Time
The majority of religions and cults on this list are not recognized by any nation on earth other than Brazil, and for good reasons.
Feel free to make my list bigger and funnier.
100-91[edit | edit source]
100. Cult of the Man-Eating Piano
This group believes that all keyboard instruments are subjects of the Man-Eating Piano, which apparently resides in a shack in Italy. Nobody has confirmed that the piano is, in fact, real.
99. Pinnipedianism
They believe that Conor Wilson is the second coming of Jesus, and that the human penis was created from a lilac on April 24, 2008 B.C. Keep Pinnipedians away from your babies.
98. Swifties
They lost us a fucking Super Bowl just a few days ago.
97. Tranquilizer Dart Buddhism
They believe that Buddha did not meditate under his tree, rather he invented the tranquilizer dart (a sacred "weapon" to the Tranquilizer Dart Buddhists) and shot himself unconscious for 49 days. He then woke up incredibly drowsy, high and tripped-out, and believed that he had achieved enlightenment for this reason. And indeed, he really did achieve Nirvana with that dart.
96. The Church of Generation Alpha
This group has far too little of an attention span to read the Bible, so they wrote their own holy scripture. The entirety of this scripture reads as follows:
- Ohio skibidi toilet gyat rizzy jizzy sigma ligma shrigma fannum tax big L.
95. Russian Buddhism
In Soviet Russia, Nirvana finds YOU! Therefore, all one must do to become enlightened is wait.
94. Radical Pastafarianism
A light-hearted faith turned extreme. The group has promised to slaughter, with their pirate swords, every last mortal being who refuses to be grasped by His Noodly Appendage.
INTERRUPTION[edit | edit source]
*knock knock knock*
*rushes towards the door*
"Excuse me, but do we have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"
"Uhh... maybe"
"OF COURSE WE DO!!"
"Errr... come in."
"NO! WE MUST SPEAK AT THE DOOR! IN FRONT OF THE STREET! WITH YOU STANDING RIGHT INSIDE THE DOOR FRAME! LIKE THIS!"
"Uhh?"
"YOU'D BETTER TALK, I'M LITERALLY ARMED!"
"Well, wouldn't Jesus want us to be a little bit friendlier than to give death threats like that?"
"OK, I GUESS-" *falls asleep*
"*Whew*, that was close, guys." *slams door shut and locks it*
Ok, now we can continue. *clears throat*
93. World Trade Center Miraculism
This is an Abrahamic religion, which preaches that the construction of the Twin Towers represents the coming of Gog and Magog, and thus the 9/11 attacks were a miracle. Although they are neither Muslim nor extremist, they believe that Jihad is the holiest of all quests, and have sanctified every member of the Al-Quaeda (yes, they have a list.))
92. Jared Leto Mormons
Oh boy, these guys sure did love the part of the Book of Mormon in which Mormon yells "It's Mormon time!" and morms all of those dudes.
91. Wikipessenes
Every day they wait in their basements for God to deliver them from the power-abusive mods of Wikipedia.
90-81[edit | edit source]
90. Winduism
99% of its followers are stinky Star Wars LARPers who confuse the shit out of ordinary people in public parks. We are all too afraid to contact them and learn more about this religion, but obviously Mace Windu is likely held in high regard.
89. Eiffelism
Followers of Eiffelism believe that God is a little guy that lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue, like him, inside and outside: blue his house, with a blue little window and a blue corvette, and everything is blue for him, and himself and everybody around, 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen to.
88. Frankenjesus Theorists
The Frankenjesus Theorists believe that Jesus came back to life following the severing and replacement of several of his body parts, including an early heart and lung transplant. Those fellows in Judaea really did know how to do shit, and they sure were desperate to resurrect Jesus.
87. The Fellowship of the Sentient Purple Watermelon that Came from the Deep Sea, Vanquished the Dinosaurs, Ate and Rebuilt the Empire State Building, Ejaculates the Rain, and will Probably Destroy the Entire World when it Awakes from its Multi-Millennial Slumber
Do I even have to say anything about them? Never mind, that's actually kinda cool.
86. Carcinizationism
The group believes that, based on an infamous scientific theory, the descendants all living beings are destined to evolve into crabs, and therefore the crab is the ultimate and supreme form of life.
85. The Illuminihiliators
According to the Sacred Doctrine of Illuminihilationism, ALL living beings (which are not members of this faith) are secretly members of the Illuminati, and therefore must either be expunged or converted.
84. Cum Monster Releasers
According to this group, the Primordial Cum Monster was long ago disintegrated and imprisoned in all the penises of the world by the Ancient Jizz Police. They also believe that the penis gains a sacred power from its containment of a fragment of the Primordial Cum Monster. If all men in the entire world gathered and ejaculated all at once, the Primordial Cum Monster would be released and bring with it a semen-filled perpetual utopia.
83. The Sinderellas
The Keep-Him-In-The-Abyss (KHITAs), popularly known as the "Sinderellas", believe that every deity and prophet in the entire world is a puppet of the evil Marionette Master, who lives in the center of the Earth. The divine duty of the Sinderellas, therefore, is to commit every sin ever to be declared a sin in any religion, thus leading the Marionette Master to collapse under his own anger and save the world from utter doom. It's not as hard as it sounds because all religions basically preach the same thing, or at least that's what some of those guys say.
82. Anticipators of the Great Crossover
Often simply known as the Anticipators, their version of the apocalypse involves a massive battle royale between every deity or divine being ever to be worshipped or feared by humans. Who (or what) are you betting on? Will we even be alive then?
81. Condensationism.
The worship of condensation. I mean, how did that water appear in your grass? Wow, it's fucking magical or something!
80-71[edit | edit source]
80. Price Fishers
A group of fishermen who believe that 4.252.99.182, messenger of the god of coprophagy, has sent the fishers to keep the prices of their fish so high that all those average fuckers are forced to go eat shit instead.
79. Chuck Norris
Worshippers or Chuck Norris, the Lord of [Un]Dead Memes, have all remembered that time when he shattered the space-time continuum with a roundhouse kick, then put it back together with another roundhouse hick, built the hospital that he was born in, swam on land as Jesus walked on water, did push-ups by pushing the earth down, and all that stuff. Yeah, the religion is just Chuck Norris: he doesn't just have a religion, he is the religion.
77. Plush Hair Regenerationism
These people believe that certainly, all the plushes and stuffed animals in your childhood bed will eventually regrow their hair and fur after you cut it all off. I mean, a group of Plush Hair Regenerationists swear that they saw it happen once. Don't tell them that I replaced that shaven stuffed dog with a new one!
76. Oh My God, Holy Cow!
The Holy Cow once left behind his Holy Shit in what the Hell will become.
75. FEAR GODZILLA!
The answer to every mysterious question in life: A lizard did it.
74. Seekers of the Seal's Scrotum
Did you know that male seals don't have ballsacks? (Neither do the females, for good measure.) How is that even possible? Yes, ALL of them don't have balls. There is only one plausible explanation for this, that some mythical being once stole them. Now all buck-seals wait for eternity to retrieve their missing scrotums, and we must help them by tracking down this mythical being and saving the pinnipeds.
73. Bat Fuck Insane: The Religion.
Scripture in this religion is made using poorly translated text and Mad Libs. As a result, their holy scripture begins with the following line:
And a MILLION FUCKING YEARS AGO, God, who was FUCKING MAGICAL OR SOMETHING, yelled: "GO EAT SHIT FUCKERS!" and raped your ass with his EPIC MEGALAZ0RZ!!!!! EYE BEAMS BABY DO YOU HAVE THEM? I truly hate hate hat this religion with every ounce of my FUCKING SQUABBLEDONGS mind.
72. Your Mother
this shouldn't be on here, but she bribed all your friends with cookies. now they worship her in a blood sacrifice cult.
71. Zen Ice Cream-ism
Suffering is caused by desire of anything but ice cream. A sign that Joe Biden has achieved true enlightenment is as such: ignoring his duties as leader of the Free world as he blissfully enjoys his ninth cone of the day while falling asleep on the "launch all the nukes" button.
70-61[edit | edit source]
70. The way of the barely passing
C's get degrees. Don't be a try-hard. You'll just get into a college that wastes all your money, makes you stress out, and gives you a job that makes you wanna blow your brains out. If you get a job, otherwise you'll just wallow in debt with that useless liberal arts PhD. Just do the bare minimum and peace out, you nerd! Trying hard is blasphemous and will upset the world's Chi!
69. 69
Worship of sex organs is so sacred observers stick it right in their mouths. And every prayer ends with the word "nice" or else you'll get gonorrhea by means of the wrath of the 69 God. Nice.
68. Habitual Lawn Mowing, Deluxe Edition
"The earth is a wrathful being, and its grass yearns for a clean shave. Should the earth never become shaven, it may initiate a terrible tempest. Thus we must mow our lawns to prevent the apocalypse, and your neighbors who complain about the noise in the morning should shut their faces tightly."
67. A belief system about nothing!
Hey, I'm bored, wanna make a religion?
Sure! What should it be about?
I dunno, something. What do you want it to be about?
...I dunno.
...'kay. I'm hungry. Wanna get some spaghetti?
Sure, spaghetti sounds dope, man.
Hey, you wanna know what would kick ass?
Boobies?
No you dumbass! If there were a god made of spaghetti!
Yeah, that would totally kick ass dude! But would that mean we'd be eating God?
No, that means the more spaghetti we eat, we become God!
Heheheheh, that sounds pretty dope!
66.666: 666ism
Not only is this cult Satanic, but they worship a never-ending decimal just by making the fractional number of 2/3! Therefore, math is Satanic!
66. Route 66ism
A bunch of roadmap nerds worshipping this obsolete, 2-lane "highway" and even making blood sacrifices to it and its bygone days. This so-called Route 66 was not even a highway! Interstates are better as they get you to your destination faster, nevermind most of them only offering views of endless cornfields and cattlefields. I don't care about nostalgia! Or potholes, or being stranded without gas in Bumfuck, Oklahoma, or going to sketchy antiques shops along the way. And no, I'm too poor to buy a 4-wheel drive or motorcycle! Go enjoy your crappy, dilapidated road, you boomers!
65. Hoo-man-ity
According to pet dogs: "Hoo-man give me food, there four hoo-man equal God! Worship hoo-man always by smothering hoo-man in endless affection an wuv."
Strangely, cats come to the opposite conclusion and think they are God and that "hoo-man equal slave underling, I can haz food nao!". Those heathens..
TOP TEN[edit | edit source]
3. WORSHIP ME-ism
- See also: Narcissism, Flexing, and Cats
Anyone who demands themselves to be loved by all, even worshipped by all, or they'll burn down everyone and everything. The number one religion of babies, crybabies, and domestic cats. Well, at least babies and cats have an excuse, as they're not dead inside like the crybabies.
2. Forcefully-convert-all-others-to-MY-religion-ism
- See also: Westboro Baptist Church
"My way or the highway! You're all going to hell for not believing what I believe!"
1. Atheism
What's that? The lack of religion altogether made this list??
Well, riddle me this: it takes faith to believe there is nothing after this life, that nothing matters, and that your hopes and dreams are worthless. And that Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Shiva, God, Allah, Santa and the Easter Bunny, UnGod, White Jesus, Black Jesus, Harry Potter, SpongeBob, Mickey Mouse, and Too Much Information Man are not real. And that evolution, especially macro-evolution, is real. Just for that, atheists top off this list as they are in denial of being a religion themselves.
S. Argue-ism
- See also: Troll
Just kidding, there is one religion worse than atheism. Argue-ism doesn't care if there's a god, or if there isn't. It doesn't care if you believe one thing or the other. The only thing its followers believe is that "I'm right and you're wrong." Why? "No reason, you're just wrong. And I'm going to make you feel bad about it"
It is said that argue-ists feed off of social disruption and that they will starve to death if they refrain from arguing for just five seconds.
SSS. Militant kill-all-religions-ism
Just kidding, there is an EVEN WORSE one than Argue-ism. These jabronis, who take it up a million notches, are against anyone following any religion and resort to violence to prove their point. Regardless of how ludicrous each entry on this list is, the most ludicrous is the one that gaslights people into losing their religion or tells them to "see their own gods if they believe in them so much." What a bunch of killjoys.