Worst 100 Religions of All Time

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Just by looking at this piano, you can tell that it's obviously hiding something.

The majority of religions and cults on this list are not recognized by any nation on earth other than Brazil, and for good reasons.

Feel free to make my list bigger and funnier.

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100. Cult of the Man-Eating Piano

This group believes that all keyboard instruments are subjects of the Man-Eating Piano, which apparently resides in a shack in Italy. Nobody has confirmed that the piano is, in fact, real.

99. Pinnipedianism

They believe that Conor Wilson is the second coming of Jesus, and that the human penis was created from a lilac on April 24, 2008 B.C. Keep Pinnipedians away from your babies.

98. Swifties

They lost us a fucking Super Bowl just a few days ago.

97. Tranquilizer Dart Buddhism

They believe that Buddha did not meditate under his tree, rather he invented the tranquilizer dart (a sacred "weapon" to the Tranquilizer Dart Buddhists) and shot himself unconscious for 49 days. He then woke up incredibly drowsy, high and tripped-out, and believed that he had achieved enlightenment for this reason. And indeed, he really did achieve Nirvana with that dart.

96. The Church of Generation Alpha

100 Animals
99 April Fools Jokes
98 Cartman Wannabes
97 Colors
96 Creatures to have sex with
95 Firefox extensions
94 Foods
93 Gifts to give a friend
92 Harry Potter Spin-offs
91 Inventions
90 Locations
89 LOL Cats
88 Make Out Songs
87 Moments to get a Boner
86 Moments to Laugh
85 Money Making Schemes
84 Movies
83 Nonexistent Words
82 Not In The Least Bit Sexual Things To Do With No Pants On
81 Nutty Conspiracy Theories
80 Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
79 Pokemon Cash-Ins
78 Porn Stars
77 Quick Detections that an Uncyclopedia page sucks
76 Weapons
75 Reflections on 2005
74 Reflections on 2006
73 Reflections on 2007
72 Reflections on 2008
71 Reflections on 2009
70 Reflections on 2010
69 Reflections on 2011
68 Reflections on 2012
67 Reflections on 2013
66 Reflections on 2018
65 Reflections on 2022
64 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
63 Remakes
62 Restaurants
61 Self Help Books
60 Sexual Perversions
59 Short Poems
58 Sitcom Catchphrases
57 Songs
56 Songs about Seagulling
55 Songs To Have Sex To
54 Songs To Play At A Funeral
53 Spinoffs
52 Superheroes
51 Things About the '00s
50 Things to do during Christmas
49 Things to Put In An IV
48 Things To Say In Court
47 Things to Say in the Workplace
46 Things to say on a First Date
45 Toys
44 TV Programs
43 Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
42 Video Games of all time‎
41 Video Game Movies
40 Video Game Systems
39 Ways of Being a Dick
38 Ways To Be Castrated
37 Ways to be Circumcized
36 Ways to Deliver Bad News
35 Ways to Die
34 Ways to Kill Sarah Connor
33 Ways to Start a Novel
32 Ways to Win an Argument
31 Religions

This group has far too little of an attention span to read the Bible, so they wrote their own holy scripture. The entirety of this scripture reads as follows:

  1. Ohio skibidi toilet gyat rizzy jizzy sigma ligma shrigma fannum tax big L.

95. Russian Buddhism

In Soviet Russia, Nirvana finds YOU! Therefore, all one must do to become enlightened is wait.

94. Radical Pastafarianism

A light-hearted faith turned extreme. The group has promised to slaughter, with their pirate swords, every last mortal being who refuses to be grasped by His Noodly Appendage.

INTERRUPTION[edit | edit source]

*knock knock knock*

*rushes towards the door*

"Excuse me, but do we have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"

"Uhh... maybe"


"Errr... come in."




"Well, wouldn't Jesus want us to be a little bit friendlier than to give death threats like that?"

"OK, I GUESS-" *falls asleep*

"*Whew*, that was close, guys." *slams door shut and locks it*

Ok, now we can continue. *clears throat*

93. World Trade Center Miraculism

This is an Abrahamic religion, which preaches that the construction of the Twin Towers represents the coming of Gog and Magog, and thus the 9/11 attacks were a miracle. Although they are neither Muslim nor extremist, they believe that Jihad is the holiest of all quests, and have sanctified every member of the Al-Quaeda (yes, they have a list.))

92. Jared Leto Mormons

Oh boy, these guys sure did love the part of the Book of Mormon in which Mormon yells "It's Mormon time!" and morms all of those dudes.

91. Wikipessenes

Every day they wait in their basements for God to deliver them from the power-abusive mods of Wikipedia.

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90. Winduism

99% of its followers are stinky Star Wars LARPers who confuse the shit out of ordinary people in public parks. We are all too afraid to contact them and learn more about this religion, but obviously Mace Windu is likely held in high regard.

89. Eiffelism

Followers of Eiffelism believe that God is a little guy that lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue, like him, inside and outside: blue his house, with a blue little window and a blue corvette, and everything is blue for him, and himself and everybody around, 'cause he ain't got nobody to listen to.

88. Frankenjesus Theorists

The Frankenjesus Theorists believe that Jesus came back to life following the severing and replacement of several of his body parts, including an early heart and lung transplant. Those fellows in Judaea really did know how to do shit, and they sure were desperate to resurrect Jesus.

87. The Fellowship of the Sentient Purple Watermelon that Came from the Deep Sea, Vanquished the Dinosaurs, Ate and Rebuilt the Empire State Building, Ejaculates the Rain, and will Probably Destroy the Entire World when it Awakes from its Multi-Millennial Slumber

Do I even have to say anything about them? Never mind, that's actually kinda cool.

86. Carcinizationism

The group believes that, based on an infamous scientific theory, the descendants all living beings are destined to evolve into crabs, and therefore the crab is the ultimate and supreme form of life.

85. The Illuminihiliators

According to the Sacred Doctrine of Illuminihilationism, ALL living beings (which are not members of this faith) are secretly members of the Illuminati, and therefore must either be expunged or converted.

84. Cum Monster Releasers

According to this group, the Primordial Cum Monster was long ago disintegrated and imprisoned in all the penises of the world by the Ancient Jizz Police. They also believe that the penis gains a sacred power from its containment of a fragment of the Primordial Cum Monster. If all men in the entire world gathered and ejaculated all at once, the Primordial Cum Monster would be released and bring with it a semen-filled perpetual utopia.

83. The Sinderellas

The Keep-Him-In-The-Abyss (KHITAs), popularly known as the "Sinderellas", believe that every deity and prophet in the entire world is a puppet of the evil Marionette Master, who lives in the center of the Earth. The divine duty of the Sinderellas, therefore, is to commit every sin ever to be declared a sin in any religion, thus leading the Marionette Master to collapse under his own anger and save the world from utter doom. It's not as hard as it sounds because all religions basically preach the same thing, or at least that's what some of those guys say.

82. Anticipators of the Great Crossover

Often simply known as the Anticipators, their version of the apocalypse involves a massive battle royale between every deity or divine being ever to be worshipped or feared by humans. Who (or what) are you betting on? Will we even be alive then?

81. Condensationism.

The worship of condensation. I mean, how did that water appear in your grass? Wow, it's fucking magical or something!

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80. Price Fishers

A group of fishermen who believe that, messenger of the god of coprophagy, has sent the fishers to keep the prices of their fish so high that all those average fuckers are forced to go eat shit instead.

79. Chuck Norris

Worshippers or Chuck Norris, the Lord of [Un]Dead Memes, have all remembered that time when he shattered the space-time continuum and put it back together, built the hospital that he was born in, swam on land as Jesus walked on water, did push-ups by pushing the earth down, and all that stuff. Yeah, the religion is just Chuck Norris: he doesn't just have a religion, he is the religion.

77. Plush Hair Regenerationism

These people believe that certainly, all the plushes and stuffed animals in your childhood bed will eventually regrow their hair and fur after you cut it all off. I mean, a group of Plush Hair Regenerationists swear that they saw it happen once. Don't tell them that I replaced that shaven stuffed dog with a new one!

76. Oh My God, Holy Cow!

The Holy Cow once left behind his Holy Shit in what the Hell will become.

Why does God get all the credit?


The answer to every mysterious question in life: A lizard did it.

74. Seekers of the Seal's Scrotum

Did you know that male seals don't have ballsacks? (Neither do the females, for good measure.) How is that even possible? Yes, ALL of them don't have balls. There is only one plausible explanation for this, that some mythical being once stole them. Now all buck-seals wait for eternity to retrieve their missing scrotums, and we must help them by tracking down this mythical being and saving the pinnipeds.

73. Bat Fuck Insane: The Religion.

Scripture in this religion is made using poorly translated text and Mad Libs. As a result, their holy scripture begins with the following line:

And a MILLION FUCKING YEARS AGO, God, who was FUCKING MAGICAL OR SOMETHING, yelled: "GO EAT SHIT FUCKERS!" and raped your ass with his EPIC MEGALAZ0RZ!!!!! EYE BEAMS BABY DO YOU HAVE THEM? I truly hate hate hat this religion with every ounce of my FUCKING SQUABBLEDONGS mind.

a picture of a room after a fun time and your mothers house

72. Your Mother

this shouldn't be on here, but she bribed all your friends with cookies. now they worship her in a blood sacrifice cult.