Worst 100 Things to do during Christmas of All-Time
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| Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1 |
Things you shouldn't do at Christmas.
100-91[edit | edit source]
100.Write 'Merry Chrysler' on all the cards.
- Pretend not to notice anything wrong.
99.Leave carrots out for Santa.
- Tell the kids Santa has bad eyesight.
98.Tell everyone how much weight they’ve gained.
- Then say it’s just being honest.
97.Give everyone gift vouchers.
- The cheaper the better.
96.Stare deeply into your uncle's eyes and tell him his hat looks stupid.
- I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
95.Declare you don't believe in Christmas.
- If you hear a tiny bell chime and then a fluttering thud from the ceiling, don’t think about it.
94.Resurrect the turkey and claim it's a Christmas miracle.
- In reality he was alive all along and you couldn't be bothered to kill it. But the turkey will never tell.
93.Smear taramasalata over everyone's shirts.
- Give yourself a pat on the back if you ruined someone's brand new suit.
92.Remind everyone to vote.
- Because what's manners anyway?
91.Visit the cinema.
- Chances are their screen is smaller than yours.
90-81[edit | edit source]
90.Clip your toenails.
- Because that quiche isn't complete without true cheese flavoring.
89.Announce halfway through dinner that the turkey is a piñata.
- Nothing bonds a family like beating dinner with a bat.
88.Make up for the lack of presents by saying Santa broke his ankle in a bar fight.
- Miracles do happen, just not to Santa’s tibia.
87.Tell the family that the gravy boat is actually cursed.
86.Use damp socks instead of stockings.
- Embrace the distinct smell of vinegar.
85.Replace the Christmas playlist with a single foghorn on repeat.
- Silent night? Not any more.
84.Deep fried chocolate.
- Probably not a good idea.
83.Keep whispering to your guests that Santa is watching.
- If you keep them on their toes it's easier to get them to leave.
82.Lick someone's face.
- Call it a Christmas tradition.
81.Play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You'.
- Not even once.
80-71[edit | edit source]
80.Wish your Jewish friends a Merry Christmas.
- They’ve got eight nights of gifts to compare, and yours isn’t on the list.
79.Give everyone socks for Christmas.
- Nobody likes them, they're socks. Stupid, pointless, and ontologically bankrupt. Don't try to argue, you'll just get shot.
78.Watch the King's Speech.
- You could be watching literally anything instead.
77.Tomte.
- Giving porridge to a garden gnome to quench his appetite for destruction is unchristian.
76.Spend the whole day scrolling on your phone.
- Communicating with friends is not more important than communicating with friends!
75.Replace the Christmas crackers with firecrackers.
- A spicy surprise.
74.Cook an all-sprouts meal.
- No turkey. Just farts and sorrow.
73.Fill your house with chocolate eggs.
- You're thinking of Easter.
72.Write 'naughty' on all the gift tags in crayon.
- Say Santa was in a bad mood this year.
71.Tell your family you're popping next door for a 'chat'.
- Then quietly take a one-way flight to somewhere they’ve never heard of.
70-61[edit | edit source]
70.Use pencil shavings as a garnish.
- Good replacement for cinnamon.
69.Have a snowball fight with frozen potatoes.
- The sport of kings.
68.Replace the coffee in your house with gravy granules.
- The mugs would be full of brown sludge for weeks.
67.Turn your swimming pool into an ice rink using industrial chillers.
- If you don't have a swimming pool, dumping a bunch of ice cubes into your toilet will do.
66.Turn the thermostat off.
- 'It saves money' is a pitiful excuse when there are icicles growing from your nose.
65.Zwarte Piet.
- People in blackface giving presents to children. It's not right, I tell you!
64.Spend your entire life savings on a 1:1 scale statue of a Highland cow.
- It doesn't even fit through the door.
63.Mix your hot cocoa with a large spoonful of Marmite.
- You uncultured swine.
62.Invite the relatives who hate each other.
- Leave them all on the doorstep and watch the fireworks.
61.Fill all your stockings with sand.
- Instant desert survival kit.
60-51[edit | edit source]
60.Give your dad a $1 gift card.
- It might be useful, it might not. That's the fun.
59.Have a massive foodfight before everyone leaves.
- All those leftover puddings mustn't go to waste.
58.Turn up 8 hours late to your own dinner.
- When your wife asks where you've been, say 'out.'
57.Play only Halloween songs.
- Because why play Jingle Bells when you can scream-sing the Monster Mash all night?
56.Leave only one chair at the dinner table.
- Tell everyone to take turns eating.
55.Kidnap your boss because he cancelled your Christmas bonus this year.
- Getting enrolled at a jelly club isn't good enough, damn it!
54.Insist the Christmas crackers be opened by smashing them with a hammer.
- It's the only way.
53.Start ranting about Hitler.
- It's not Christmas until the Deutschlandlied is sung in its entirety at least once.
52.Give everyone a cheque for $100,000.
- Then at the end of the night, tell everyone they'll bounce.
51.Squeeze toothpaste into all the stockings.
- Tell your family Santa was drunk.
50-41[edit | edit source]
50.Mail threatening letters addressed 'From Santa'.
- Send them to your own house.
49.Make a snow angel, face down on your front porch.
- Stay there until someone notices and drags you back inside.
48.Replace the cookies with dog biscuits.
- More economical.
47.Put all the Christmas presents in a blender and have yourself a smoothie.
- It's not the best tasting, but it'll do.
46.Inform your kids that Santa isn't real.
45.Wrap yourself in tinsel and refuse to move.
- No trees this year.
44.Replace the Christmas turkey with a block of cheese.
- It's cheaper when there's a recession on.
43.Serve mulled wine in a gas can.
- Claim it keeps the coals at bay.
42.Paint your Christmas tree jet black.
- Dulux paint is prefered.
41.Clip some mistletoe to the inside of your toilet and flush.
- Give those sewer mutants a kiss.
40-31[edit | edit source]
40.Build a gingerbread house entirely out of drywall.
- Tell the kids it's extra crunchy.
39.Put gravy in the humidifier.
- The smell beats pumpkin spice.
38.Hide weeks-old shrimp all over the house.
- Tell people it's a festive perfume.
37.Cut your Christmas pudding with a chainsaw.
- Messy, delicious, and guaranteed to horrify your guests.
36.Replace the Christmas star on your tree with a giant cactus.
- Tell anyone who asks that it symbolises new beginnings.
35.Wrap all your Christmas presents with freshly cooked lasagne.
- Then tell your family it's eco-friendly wrapping paper.
34.Eat the baubles on your Christmas tree.
- I know they look delicious but trust me, it's a bad idea.
33.Dress up as Santa Claus and terrorise the neighborhood.
- You're not supposed to do this.
32.Throw a mince pie at your neighbours.
- And blame it on your wife.
31.Refuse the offer of a mince pie.
- Pure sacrilege.
30-21[edit | edit source]
27.Hand mistletoe out to everyone at dinner.
- Frantically snogging everyone will make for great conversation.
26.Leave the turkey frozen solid on the dinner table.
- Fun fact: natural defrosting is healthier for the turkey.
25.Yell "Ho, Ho, Ho!" in an attempt to get laid.
- If it works, congratulations - you're a pirate.
24.Take your kids to the Michael Jackson Christmas funhouse.
23.Tell everyone Santa was killed on Interstate 95 while delivering milk and cookies.
- Provide a fake police report as proof.
22.Scream 'Hail Frosty!' every time a specific dinner guest tries to speak.
21.Force your friends to go caroling with you.
- Insist on only singing songs by Yoko Ono.
20-11[edit | edit source]
20.Roleplay as Santa.
- Picture the scene. It's a cold night, you're on top of your house, it's snowing and you're freezing cold, holding a fifty pound sack full of gifts. You plan to slide down the chimney, but you know it's a full story drop into a fireplace that's probably lit. You try it, break both your legs, get third degree burns, and disappoint all involved because your santa outfit sucked. Need I say more?
19.Watch the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- If you've even gotten hold of the damn thing, you've lowered my respect for you.
18.Light the candles on your indoor Christmas tree with a flamethrower.
- Sounds like a good idea, but it burns.
17.Buy all your Christmas presents in Mexico.
16.Have an epiphany.
- Realising you're the reincarnation of Betty Crocker isn't exactly the best idea at Christmas.
14.Staple candy canes to the ceiling.
- Challenge your guests to jump for them.
15.Tell your kids Santa now charges up to $15.99 per gift.
- Demand payment up front.
13.Hire a bagpiper to loudly play 'Jingle Bells' at 4 a.m. outside your neighbor's house.
- When they inevitably complain, tell them it's a sacred tradition.
12.Spray paint the snowmen on your lawn blood-red.
- Use cranberry juice for that special touch.
11.Invent awful holiday traditions.
- Throwing uncooked pasta at your family, demanding everyone recite the phone book before dinner, making your guests wear socks filled with ice cubes... There's plenty of fun to be had.
10-1[edit | edit source]
10.Call it 'Xmas'.
- Because heaven forbid the word Christ should exist anywhere.
9.Pour eggnog into the fish tank.
- It's time your goldfish knew the true meaning of indulgence.
8.Discuss the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
- All-round family fun.
7.Replace the thanksgiving turkey with a live, uncooked flamingo.
- Don't even try cooking it. It's there to be admired.
6.Make "old family recipes" for Christmas dinner.
- The key word there is "family." It's traditional to force everyone to smile through pickled carrots in raspberry sauce and spinach-spam mashed potatoes.
5.Forget to acknowledge Jesus Christ.
- It is his birthday, after all.
4.Take your kids to Disneyland.
- First thing they'll want is better food, embarrassing your day job as a sous-chef.
3.Throw up in all the stockings.
- The single worst thing you can possibly put in a stocking. You may as well stare them straight in the face and say "fuck you".
2.Replace all your presents with live grenades.
- Hey, your house wasn't that great anyway, right?
1.Hire the CIA to nuke your house.
- If you can pull this off, you win Christmas.