Worst 100 gifts to give to a friend

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Be warned that if you give any of the following gifts to your friend/girlfriend/homosexual/favorite pony/favorite porn star, there could be a high possibility of freaking out, suicide attempts, death, fainting or anything else. However, if you are giving gifts to an enemy or rival, then these are the best choices.

100-91[edit]

100. Your mom
She loves you so much, and you'll give her away?
99. A human thumb
Sounds painful, doesn't it?
98. Your penis
Worst than 99.
97. A dead cat
Not as worst as the below
96. A dead fetus
Abortion is not a gift
95. Your friend's credit card
$_$
94. Yourself
Why would anyone want that as a gift?
93. A jar of snakes
Venomous snakes are deadly
92. Porn Magazines
Unless if that guy's a porn addict.
91. Your house
Unless if you want to be a hobo.

90-81[edit]

90. Your foreskin
But how about foreskin in a soup?
89. Your foreskin in a soup
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-
88. A one-way ticket to my fist
I would enjoy it, but he/she probably won't
87. Your viagra pills
They may/may not need it even if they have erectile dysfunction
86. Your balls
ARE YOU NUTS? yes
85. A piranha to the penis
Dude, that's gotta hurt alot. Care for some bandages?
84. A rabid Pit Bull
Not the best choice for a pet.
83. A Justin Bieber CD
Worst singer ever.
82. Your dad
Worse than 100.
81. The Foot
Unless you want to murder him.

80-71[edit]

80. Leatherface
Unless if your friend's a cannibal.
79. An unhatched frag grenade
BOOM
78. A baby
Sex isn't a gift unless your partner is ready for it. Otherwise...see 96.
77. Sweet Jesus on a Stick!
If that guy's a Christian its gotta make things worse.
76. A Self-Help Book
I actually got this once. It's basically saying: 'sort yourself out'
75. Porkchops
If your friend happens to be Jewish.
74. This guy
One word: No.
73. A bathroom scale with sliding weights
Not just awkward to wrap, but another way of telling the recipient that they are fat.
72. A steampunk prototype of a condom
those cogs might jam that thing
71. Nothing
If your friend happens to be greedy.

70-61[edit]

70. One cent of cash
MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNEH, IN A RICH MAN'S WORLD
69.
Just think about it
68. AIDS
You're killing em, are ya?
67. Soda with your spit in it
Gross.
66. Soda with your semen in it
WAY gross.
65. Soda with your crap and piss mixed with someone's vomit I collected yesterday in it
That's it, I'm going to the mental hospital and lock myself with a strip jacket.
64. A bag of fart mistaken for weed
Just imagine the results.
63. Deodorant with blue cheese inside
If your friend tries it on, you could laugh your ass off.
62. Ron Paul Workout Video
Your friend will love to see the sexiest man on the planet work-out.
61. Self-Castration Kit
Do I really have to explain?

60-51[edit]

60. A Dildo
Just to make things awkward quick.
59. Your Mom's Dildo
Comes with free crabs.
58. A Baby Jesus Butt-Plug
Okay. This just needs to stop.
57. Adult Diapers
Maybe he'll get the hint he needs to be potty trained. Come on. He's 34.
56. Ashes From the Holocaust
To add to his living-room decor.
55. Blue Waffle
Yum.
54. Fisting Machine
Stretch it wide!
53. Hillary Clinton Nudes
Only if He/She is into granny porn.
52. A Used Condom
For Him.
51. A Used Tampon
For Her (or him if you wanna' freak him out).

50-41[edit]

50. 10 Lb Crack Rock
Watch them OD in a second!
49. A Bag of Anthrax
The Government will be watching them like a hawk from now on.
48. My Grandmother's Pasties
She's got some bad nipple cheese.
47. Dinggleberries
Picked Straight from your asshole. Now that's a home-made gift.
46. A Glory Hole in their Shower
That'll be one hell of a surprise.
45. Kim Jong-il's Dead Body
I hope North Korea doesn't see this.
44. A Hydrogen Bomb
Would go perfect with #45. Now it's your choice what to do with it.
43. A Mormon Sex-Doll
Let them get their freak on with a freak religion.
42. Ruffees
So good, they wont even remember.
41. A Sore Asshole
Goes great with #42. They'll be wondering how they got this once they wake up.

40-31[edit]

40. Rape Kit
If you give them #42 & #41, they're gonna' want this.
39. Fanny Pack
I don't even know if they make these any more...
38. A Dead Polar Bear
It was so cute. Now what the fuck are they suppose to do with it?
37. A Life Size Cut-Out of Hitler
Just aim to offend them.
36. A zombie
"Wake up dog, eat up"
35. A cellphone to replace his kidneys
Every time someone calls him, he'll start wetting his pants!
34. Death
to free them from their sufferings, often ending up on you getting to jail.
33. Fluttershy
now they start fighting over you for a pegasus to rape by sex.
32. A Ticket to Nebraska
Unless your friend has some kind of corn fetish you may actually bore them to death.
31. A Time Machine that takes 30 seconds into the past
They can use it to go back and tell you to not give them this gift.

30-21[edit]

30. A life
Since your using yours reading this article.
29. Acupuncture from a Blind Man
When you're on a budget.
28. A Professional Lacrosse Team
Comes with a TV slot at 2:30 in the morning.
27. A Piece of the Moon
Now they just need a couple billion dollars to visit it.
26. Your Virginity
You would, if you uncle hadn't beat you to the punch.
25. Bug Attractant
I heard the West Nile Virus is all the rage.
24. Two barrels of double aught buck
Seriously officer it was a gift
23. Something you made yourself
Seriously no one wants boondagle key chain and a piece of paper with a doodle on it for a birthday
22. A contagious disease
This year I'd decided to give you something you always wanted, Ebola
21. A hug
Get the hell off me you foul smelling sasquach.

20-13[edit]

20. An Ipod that only plays "Friday" by Rebecca Black
Unless they are looking for a semi-painless way to kill themselves.
19. A blank gift card to Blockbuster
Nothing says "I love you" like a useless piece of plastic, useable only in a useless store.
18. A wooden dummy
Not that kind of dummy you idiot.
17. Shit
They can eat their shit after turning it to compost, using it as fertilizer, then letting those bits enter the food you eat. Talk about nature...
16. Something you stole
Giving the blame to them.
15. Asparagus
Seriously, do you need your asparagus so badly? Get a life.
14. A bottle of your fart collection
Make him/her remember the old days by making him/her inhale that expensively deadly perfume.
13. A male Gardevoir
No one wants a male pokemon who looks like a female. That's just gross.

The final 12[edit]

12. 12 Drummers Drumming
Who doesn't love to hear a dozen high school marching band members trying to drum in syncopation in the privacy of their lounge room.
11. 11 Pipers Piping
And adding the wind section from a marching band means that you also get to hear the wonderful accompaniment of 10 recorders squealing out the one flute player.
10. 10 Lords-a-Leaping
Given your friend already has 23 members of a marching band wandering through their lounge-room, having ten gentleman who have a fondness for musical theatre bouncing around and saying "Oh, my dear chap" may be a little of an overkill.
9. 9 Ladies Dancing
While this sounds like a great idea, how big is your friends lounge room?
8. 8 Maids-a-Milking
So just to add to the overall cacophony that your friends lounge has become, we're now bringing in cattle to the mix. I hope the carpet has been Scotchgarded™.
7. 7 Swans-a-Swimming
I hope he has a big bathtub.
6. 6 Geese-a-Laying
And plenty of places for nesting birds.
5. 5 Gold Rings
The ideal present to give to someone who has a marching band and a menagerie in their household.
4. 4 Calling Birds
Because your friend will be so well rested that they'll need a bird to call out to them at random times of the day.
3. 3 French Hens
On the plus side, at least there are no roosters involved. Even so...
2. 2 Turtle Doves
How many birds does one person need?
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree
Great, now you have dumped a tree in your friends lap, with yet another bird. Of course, if you were to go through the 12 days of Christmas[1] song in order, at the end you would have given:
  • 12 partridges
  • 12 pear trees
  • 22 turtle doves
  • 30 French hens
  • 36 calling birds
  • 40 gold rings
  • 42 geese
  • An unspecified number of goose eggs
  • 42 swans
  • A lot of water for the swans to swim in
  • 40 milking maids
  • At least 40 associated cows
  • Significant quantities of milk
  • 36 ladies still doing the can-can
  • 30 lords probably limping by this stage
  • 22 recorder players
  • 12 drummers
If you still have a friend left after all 400 plus presents, congratulations!

References[edit]

  1. ↑ H2G2 - The Twelve Days of Christmas
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