Worst 100 gifts to give to a friend
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Be warned that if you give any of the following gifts to your friend/girlfriend/homosexual/favorite pony/favorite porn star, there could be a high possibility of freaking out, suicide attempts, death, fainting or anything else. However, if you are giving gifts to an enemy or rival, then these are the best choices.
100-91[edit]
100. Your mom: She loves you so much, and you'll give her away?
99. A human thumb: Sounds painful, doesn't it?
98. Your penis: Worst than 99
97. A dead cat: Not as worst as the below
96. A dead fetus: Abortion is not a gift
95. Your friend's credit card: $_$
94. Yourself: Why would anyone want that as a gift?
93. A jar of snakes: Venomous snakes are deadly
92. Porn Magazines: Unless if that guy's a porn addict
91. Your house: Unless if you want to be a hobo
90-81[edit]
90. Your foreskin: But how about foreskin in a soup?
88. A one-way ticket to my fist: I would enjoy it, but he/she probably won't
87. Your viagra pills: They may/may not need it even if they have erectile dysfunction
85. A piranha to the penis: Dude, that's gotta hurt alot Care for some bandages?
84. A rabid Pit Bull: Not the best choice for a pet
83. A Justin Bieber CD: Worst singer ever
82. Your dad: Worse than 100
81. The Foot: Unless you want to murder him
80-71[edit]
80. Leatherface: Unless if your friend's a cannibal
79. An unhatched frag grenade: BOOM
78. A baby: Sex isn't a gift unless your partner is ready for it Otherwisesee 96
77. Sweet Jesus on a Stick!: If that guy's a Christian its gotta make things worse
76. A Self-Help Book: I actually got this once It's basically saying: 'sort yourself out'
75. Porkchops: If your friend happens to be Jewish
74. This guy: One word: No
73. A bathroom scale with sliding weights: Not just awkward to wrap, but another way of telling the recipient that they are fat
72. A steampunk prototype of a condom: those cogs might jam that thing
71. Nothing: If your friend happens to be greedy
70-61[edit]
70. One cent of cash: MONEY MONEY MONEY, MUST BE FUNNEH, IN A RICH MAN'S WORLD
69.Just think about it
68. AIDS: You're killing em, are ya?
67. Soda with your spit in it: Gross
66. Soda with your semen in it: WAY gross
65. Soda with your crap and piss mixed with someone's vomit I collected yesterday in it: That's it, I'm going to the mental hospital and lock myself with a strip jacket
64. A bag of fart mistaken for weed: Just imagine the results
63. Deodorant with blue cheese inside: If your friend tries it on, you could laugh your ass off
62. Ron Paul Workout Video: Your friend will love to see the sexiest man on the planet work-out
61. Self-Castration Kit: Do I really have to explain?
60-51[edit]
60. A Dildo: Just to make things awkward quick
59. Your Mom's Dildo: Comes with free crabs
58. A Baby Jesus Butt-Plug: Okay This just needs to stop
57. Adult Diapers: Maybe he'll get the hint he needs to be potty trained Come on He's 34
56. Ashes From the Holocaust: To add to his living-room decor
55. Blue Waffle: Yum
54. Fisting Machine: Stretch it wide!
53. Hillary Clinton Nudes: Only if He/She is into granny porn
52. A Used Condom: For Him
51. A Used Tampon: For Her (or him if you wanna' freak him out)
50-41[edit]
50. 10 Lb Crack Rock: Watch them OD in a second!
49. A Bag of Anthrax: The Government will be watching them like a hawk from now on
48. My Grandmother's Pasties: She's got some bad nipple cheese
47. Dinggleberries: Picked Straight from your asshole Now that's a home-made gift
46. A Glory Hole in their Shower: That'll be one hell of a surprise
45. Kim Jong-il's Dead Body: I hope North Korea doesn't see this
44. A Hydrogen Bomb: Would go perfect with #45 Now it's your choice what to do with it
43. A Mormon Sex-Doll: Let them get their freak on with a freak religion
42. Ruffees: So good, they wont even remember
41. A Sore Asshole: Goes great with #42 They'll be wondering how they got this once they wake up
40-31[edit]
40. Rape Kit: If you give them #42 & #41, they're gonna' want this
39. Fanny Pack: I don't even know if they make these any more
38. A Dead Polar Bear: It was so cute Now what the fuck are they suppose to do with it?
37. A Life Size Cut-Out of Hitler: Just aim to offend them
36. A zombie: "Wake up dog, eat up"
35. A cellphone to replace his kidneys: Every time someone calls him, he'll start wetting his pants!
34. Death: to free them from their sufferings, often ending up on you getting to jail
32. A Ticket to Nebraska: Unless your friend has some kind of corn fetish you may actually bore them to death
31. A Time Machine that takes 30 seconds into the past: They can use it to go back and tell you to not give them this gift
30-21[edit]
30. A life: Since your using yours reading this article
29. Acupuncture from a Blind Man: When you're on a budget
28. A Professional Lacrosse Team: Comes with a TV slot at 2:30 in the morning
27. A Piece of the Moon: Now they just need a couple billion dollars to visit it
26. Your Virginity: You would, if you uncle hadn't beat you to the punch
25. Bug Attractant: I heard the West Nile Virus is all the rage
24. Two barrels of double aught buck: Seriously officer it was a gift
23. Something you made yourself: Seriously no one wants boondagle key chain and a piece of paper with a doodle on it for a birthday
22. A contagious disease: This year I'd decided to give you something you always wanted, Ebola
21. A hug: Get the hell off me you foul smelling sasquach
20-13[edit]
20. An Ipod that only plays "Friday" by Rebecca Black: Unless they are looking for a semi-painless way to kill themselves
19. A blank gift card to Blockbuster: Nothing says "I love you" like a useless piece of plastic, useable only in a useless store
18. A wooden dummy: Not that kind of dummy you idiot
17. Shit: They can eat their shit after turning it to compost, using it as fertilizer, then letting those bits enter the food you eat Talk about nature
16. Something you stole: Giving the blame to them
15. Asparagus: Seriously, do you need your asparagus so badly? Get a life
14. A bottle of your fart collection: Make him/her remember the old days by making him/her inhale that expensively deadly perfume
13. A male Gardevoir: No one wants a male pokemon who looks like a female That's just gross
The final 12[edit]
12. 12 Drummers Drumming: Who doesn't love to hear a dozen high school marching band members trying to drum in syncopation in the privacy of their lounge room
11. 11 Pipers Piping: And adding the wind section from a marching band means that you also get to hear the wonderful accompaniment of 10 recorders squealing out the one flute player
10. 10 Lords-a-Leaping: Given your friend already has 23 members of a marching band wandering through their lounge-room, having ten gentleman who have a fondness for musical theatre bouncing around and saying "Oh, my dear chap" may be a little of an overkill
9. 9 Ladies Dancing: While this sounds like a great idea, how big is your friends lounge room?
8. 8 Maids-a-Milking: So just to add to the overall cacophony that your friends lounge has become, we're now bringing in cattle to the mix I hope the carpet has been Scotchgarded™
7. 7 Swans-a-Swimming: I hope he has a big bathtub
6. 6 Geese-a-Laying: And plenty of places for nesting birds
5. 5 Gold Rings: The ideal present to give to someone who has a marching band and a menagerie in their household
4. 4 Calling Birds: Because your friend will be so well rested that they'll need a bird to call out to them at random times of the day
3. 3 French Hens: On the plus side, at least there are no roosters involved Even so
2. 2 Turtle Doves: How many birds does one person need?
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Great, now you have dumped a tree in your friends lap, with yet another bird Of course, if you were to go through the 12 days of Christmas[1] song in order, at the end you would have given:
- 12 partridges
- 12 pear trees
- 22 turtle doves
- 30 French hens
- 36 calling birds
- 40 gold rings
- 42 geese
- An unspecified number of goose eggs
- 42 swans
- A lot of water for the swans to swim in
- 40 milking maids
- At least 40 associated cows
- Significant quantities of milk
- 36 ladies still doing the can-can
- 30 lords probably limping by this stage
- 22 recorder players
- 12 drummers
- If you still have a friend left after all 400 plus presents, congratulations!
References[edit]
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