Be warned that if you give any of the following gifts to your friend/girlfriend/homosexual/favorite pony/favorite porn star, there could be a high possibility of freaking out, suicide attempts, death, fainting or anything else. However, if you are giving gifts to an enemy or rival, then these are the best choices.
100. Your mom: She loves you so much, and you'll give her away?
98. Your penis: Worst than 99
97. A dead cat: Not as worst as the below
96. A dead fetus: Abortion is not a gift
95. Your friend's credit card: $_$
94. Yourself: Why would anyone want that as a gift?
93. A jar of snakes: Venomous snakes are deadly
92. Porn Magazines: Unless if that guy's a porn addict
91. Your house: Unless if you want to be a hobo
88. A one-way ticket to my fist: I would enjoy it, but he/she probably won't
84. A rabid Pit Bull: Not the best choice for a pet
83. A Justin Bieber CD: Worst singer ever
81. The Foot: Unless you want to murder him
79. An unhatched frag grenade: BOOM
78. A baby: Sex isn't a gift unless your partner is ready for it Otherwisesee 96
76. A Self-Help Book: I actually got this once It's basically saying: 'sort yourself out'
75. Porkchops: If your friend happens to be Jewish
73. A bathroom scale with sliding weights: Not just awkward to wrap, but another way of telling the recipient that they are fat
71. Nothing: If your friend happens to be greedy
69.Just think about it
68. AIDS: You're killing em, are ya?
67. Soda with your spit in it: Gross
66. Soda with your semen in it: WAY gross
65. Soda with your crap and piss mixed with someone's vomit I collected yesterday in it: That's it, I'm going to the mental hospital and lock myself with a strip jacket
64. A bag of fart mistaken for weed: Just imagine the results
62. Ron Paul Workout Video: Your friend will love to see the sexiest man on the planet work-out
61. Self-Castration Kit: Do I really have to explain?
60. A Dildo: Just to make things awkward quick
59. Your Mom's Dildo: Comes with free crabs
58. A Baby Jesus Butt-Plug: Okay This just needs to stop
57. Adult Diapers: Maybe he'll get the hint he needs to be potty trained Come on He's 34
56. Ashes From the Holocaust: To add to his living-room decor
55. Blue Waffle: Yum
54. Fisting Machine: Stretch it wide!
52. A Used Condom: For Him
51. A Used Tampon: For Her (or him if you wanna' freak him out)
50. 10 Lb Crack Rock: Watch them OD in a second!
49. A Bag of Anthrax: The Government will be watching them like a hawk from now on
48. My Grandmother's Pasties: She's got some bad nipple cheese
47. Dinggleberries: Picked Straight from your asshole Now that's a home-made gift
46. A Glory Hole in their Shower: That'll be one hell of a surprise
44. A Hydrogen Bomb: Would go perfect with #45 Now it's your choice what to do with it
43. A Mormon Sex-Doll: Let them get their freak on with a freak religion
42. Ruffees: So good, they wont even remember
41. A Sore Asshole: Goes great with #42 They'll be wondering how they got this once they wake up
40. Rape Kit: If you give them #42 & #41, they're gonna' want this
39. Fanny Pack: I don't even know if they make these any more
38. A Dead Polar Bear: It was so cute Now what the fuck are they suppose to do with it?
37. A Life Size Cut-Out of Hitler: Just aim to offend them
36. A zombie: "Wake up dog, eat up"
35. A cellphone to replace his kidneys: Every time someone calls him, he'll start wetting his pants!
34. Death: to free them from their sufferings, often ending up on you getting to jail
33. Fluttershy: now they start fighting over you for a pegasus to rape by sex
32. A Ticket to Nebraska: Unless your friend has some kind of corn fetish you may actually bore them to death
31. A Time Machine that takes 30 seconds into the past: They can use it to go back and tell you to not give them this gift
30. A life: Since your using yours reading this article
29. Acupuncture from a Blind Man: When you're on a budget
28. A Professional Lacrosse Team: Comes with a TV slot at 2:30 in the morning
27. A Piece of the Moon: Now they just need a couple billion dollars to visit it
26. Your Virginity: You would, if you uncle hadn't beat you to the punch
25. Bug Attractant: I heard the West Nile Virus is all the rage
24. Two barrels of double aught buck: Seriously officer it was a gift
23. Something you made yourself: Seriously no one wants boondagle key chain and a piece of paper with a doodle on it for a birthday
22. A contagious disease: This year I'd decided to give you something you always wanted, Ebola
21. A hug: Get the hell off me you foul smelling sasquach
20. An Ipod that only plays "Friday" by Rebecca Black: Unless they are looking for a semi-painless way to kill themselves
19. A blank gift card to Blockbuster: Nothing says "I love you" like a useless piece of plastic, useable only in a useless store
17. Shit: They can eat their shit after turning it to compost, using it as fertilizer, then letting those bits enter the food you eat Talk about nature
16. Something you stole: Giving the blame to them
14. A bottle of your fart collection: Make him/her remember the old days by making him/her inhale that expensively deadly perfume
13. A male Gardevoir: No one wants a male pokemon who looks like a female That's just gross
12. 12 Drummers Drumming: Who doesn't love to hear a dozen high school marching band members trying to drum in syncopation in the privacy of their lounge room
11. 11 Pipers Piping: And adding the wind section from a marching band means that you also get to hear the wonderful accompaniment of 10 recorders squealing out the one flute player
10. 10 Lords-a-Leaping: Given your friend already has 23 members of a marching band wandering through their lounge-room, having ten gentleman who have a fondness for musical theatre bouncing around and saying "Oh, my dear chap" may be a little of an overkill
9. 9 Ladies Dancing: While this sounds like a great idea, how big is your friends lounge room?
8. 8 Maids-a-Milking: So just to add to the overall cacophony that your friends lounge has become, we're now bringing in cattle to the mix I hope the carpet has been Scotchgarded™
7. 7 Swans-a-Swimming: I hope he has a big bathtub
6. 6 Geese-a-Laying: And plenty of places for nesting birds
5. 5 Gold Rings: The ideal present to give to someone who has a marching band and a menagerie in their household
4. 4 Calling Birds: Because your friend will be so well rested that they'll need a bird to call out to them at random times of the day
3. 3 French Hens: On the plus side, at least there are no roosters involved Even so
2. 2 Turtle Doves: How many birds does one person need?
1. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: Great, now you have dumped a tree in your friends lap, with yet another bird Of course, if you were to go through the 12 days of Christmas song in order, at the end you would have given:
- 12 partridges
- 12 pear trees
- 22 turtle doves
- 30 French hens
- 36 calling birds
- 40 gold rings
- 42 geese
- An unspecified number of goose eggs
- 42 swans
- A lot of water for the swans to swim in
- 40 milking maids
- At least 40 associated cows
- Significant quantities of milk
- 36 ladies still doing the can-can
- 30 lords probably limping by this stage
- 22 recorder players
- 12 drummers
- If you still have a friend left after all 400 plus presents, congratulations!
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