Worst 100 Weapons of All Time
| Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1 |
* Note: The author does care to count this list too closely and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.
91-100[edit | edit source]
It consists of a rope or chain with a boot at the end. Not especially known to be very useful, but they do exist. It may be noted that, though not yet attempted, it is possible to wield a pair of flail toed boots linked to another pair of flail toed boots which may in fact be linked to an actual flail, or a couple ninjas.
If you really need to ask why this is so awesome, you need professional help.
The Slaxe is just pure awesomeness and that's all there is to it. It's a sword, lance, and axe all in one. You can block, blunt-smash, chop, hack, lunge, nudge, rake, slash, smack, smash, spear, stab, thrash and throw anything with it. Actually, the only thing you can't do with it is cook hot dogs over an open fire. And they cook faster and taste better this way too. Yes cook all your foods with the utterly 9wn4ge slaxe, cuisine cooker from heaven, and the best friggin weapon too!A device which fires Serial ATA cables at velocities in excess of four kilometres an hour! For the hardware technician on the go, or rheumatic ninjas.
This weapon is good because I thought it did exist but it doesn't.
Vicous combination of lightsaber, chainsaw, gunblade and nunchuck. Favoured by Joseph Stalin for eating the Proletariate. The epic ultimate dick shit.
It's like a lightsaber, but with a spork. And can cut and cook food with its heat. Thus, it has 5 uses. Fork, spoon, deadly weapon, food-cutter, and also stove. Not many things you have can do that, eh?
Note: Nobody wants to be the one who has to clean that up. Jib Also Mulches Up retards with this.The accuracy and precision of modern technology combined with the kick-ass awesomeness of the sword. And it uses CamelCase, too! How could you go NOT wrong with one of these? It will fail. EPIC FAIL!!!
Known by many to be wielded by Czars across the world. The nuke sword is a formidable weapon. Even though many czars have the weapon, only one has ever dared used it, to smite Japan. Sure the "Historians" might tell you that it was America using the so-called "Atomic Bomb", but tell me, what proof is there that this weapon even exists(besides the obvious crater and the picture took of the bomb?) It had to be a Czar with a Nuke Sword.
Besides being a killer weapon for assassins (and psychotic chefs), you can also eat food four times as fast! (But beware of cut lips, skull injuries, and choking big time. Be sure to have a surgeon ready.)
Two chainsaws connected by a chain. This is perhaps one of the most powerful chuck-weapons in existence, and can thus only be wielded by an Überninja. Or Chuck Norris's gigantic hairy cock.
81-90[edit | edit source]
Spawns thousands of monkeys which simultaneously fling poo of various sizes and shapes at your foe's face. Note not very effective unless the foe does not take well to walking in a 2 ft deep rainbow of crap, and is too slow to escape the poop.
When fired at some one they will turn into a Japanese Chibi character and the proceed to be crushed under the weight of their new enormous head, like a beached whale.
First invented when a perverted single scientist saw a ceiling cat, the kitten ceiling turret is the ultimate in home defense/assanation/awsomeness. I mean come on, who doesn't want a cat that fires eye beams and looks right at you when.. your.. mas- okay, your right, but it's easy to avoid a non-intentional vasectomy: Masturbate in a different room; Can also be built by a Level-9000 Mechanic.
The concept of a knife filled with bombs has been discussed completely, and it is evident that a knife filled with bombs would be just stupid. However, if it were a possibility to fit complex, likely large bombs into tiny knives, it would be pretty freaking awesome. Many have considered a knife laced with anthrax to be a "knife filled with biological bombs", but it isn't purely explosive enough. Scientists were close when they invented the knife filled with gunpowder, but it had very little practical use.
Much more practical, the bomb filled with knives blows up, and then launches a huge barrage of knives in every direction. Very easy to use and useful for DOTA.
This weapon can be fired from a silo or properly equipped submarine. It fires a short stumpy man who starred some shitty movies (one was about a plane or a pilot... I don't know... something like that) and is targeted mainly at media devices. Upon arrival it starts annoying people about Scientology on talk shows hosted by a large mammal. Oh, and it's definitely GAY.
A deadly weapon for any army. The "AGK" can detect a target from a "mile away", sneak up behind said target, then unleash the full fury of the crotch kick leaving the target unconscious, in heaps of pain and unsure whether reproduction is still an option. Effective until armies start recruiting women transexuals into the infantry.
Think about it, a gun that shoots ADHD. When you shoot this weapon, pure concentrated ADHD comes out. The ADHD was collected in a lab full of vials and chemicals. Speaking of labs, my daddy works at a lab where he works on many things that go, "WEEEEE" well actually they don't but my daddy said if I believed long enough my dreams will come true, I had a dream yesterday about a flying taco that ate a ship, I went to the psychiatric doctor who helps me, but he told me I suck at life, so we played candy land, I lost because the doctor said my get out of jail free card expired yesterday. He said that if I wanted to accomplish anything I could. So I thought up the ADHD gun. Think about it, a gun that shoots ADHD. When you shoot this weapon, pure concentrated ADHD comes out. The ADHD was collected in a lab full of vials and chemicals. Speaking of labs my daddy works at a lab where he works on many things that go, "WEEEEE" well actually they don't but my daddy said if I believed long enough my dreams will come true, I had a dream yesterday about a flying taco that ate a ship, I went to the psychiatric doctor who helps me, but he told me I suck at life, so we played candyland, I lost because the doctor said my get out of jail free card expired yesterday. He said that if I wanted to accomplish anything I could. So I thought up the ADHD gun.
Sniper Kittys are a specialized corps of the Deadly Assault Kittens. Descendants of Sniper Kittys, they are among the most deadly assassins on or off this planet, possibly second only to a ninja. It may look like a cute kitty, but years of training make it basically a "point-and-kill" machine. Canines now tremble at the thought of stepping out-of-doors without an owner. JFK was for animal cruelty, and though many people believe Lee Harvey Oswald killed him, it was really a trained elite Sinper Kitty, as proven by the picture.
The "Laser That Fires When You Sneeze", also known as the L.T.F.W.Y.S.,is strange yet useful weapon can assassinate multiple people in one "BLAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!". It will be at full power during the cold and flu season. "BLAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!".
71-80[edit | edit source]
This was actually one of the first concepts for the Moto-Razr. Originally designed as a weapon in a World War, now serves to cut down on rude moviegoers.
Fair warning, this weapon is ineffective at best against emos, as their hands are already likely scarred. such is the case when you have a sharp object in your wrist and have already lost a lot of blood.
Just when you think you've got a perfect place to hide… KA-BLOOM!!! MF!!! Nature's "best friend" just exploded in yo face. This weapon is also perfect for getting rid of those idiot tree huggers, as well as any squirrels you may encounter.
Forget about that pussy ass "nunchacku" shit. Get yourself some Nunchucks. These are the genuine article, the real deal, THESE ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS!
Upon equipping this weapon the following attributes are affected:
- Holy Sermon with a deadly ruler.. +4
- Dark Onery Stare. +5
- Roundhouse Kick +10
- Beard +3
- Usage of Corporal Punishment with a Paddle. +10
- Wrist slap with a ruler +4
This entirely hypothetical weapon was developed by Cardinal Biggles of the Inquisition. Biggles was an avid nun-bunter and had always dreamed of combining his favorite pastime with the marvels of siege weaponry. The Chuck-Nun was first not used during the Dark Ages. Consequently, it was also not used during the Slightly Less Dark Ages. It was first constructed and fielded during the Renaissance, but after a minor mishap involving faulty ammunition (one nun refused to go) it was decommissioned.
The weapon consists of a hollow wooden barrel wide enough to fit a grown nun inside, a sturdy chassis also made of wood and a very large spring-loaded trigger mechanism, similar to modern pinball machines. The Chuck-Nun was in fact the precursor to modern artillery and was also at least partly responsible for the hit television series The Flying Nun.
It takes nuns from 5'0" to 6'8" in length, depending on barrel size, and can be modified to fire peasants if needed. Ammo is usually beltfed or can be loaded in one at a time, though this slows down its rate of fire considerably. Traditionally, to augment its destructive payload, nuns are politely requested to carry bowls of Greek Fire, large rocks, irate badgers and so forth.
In recent times, this remarkable weapon has seen a modest revival amongst DIY siege weaponry enthusiasts, prompting the creation of several prototypes. Due to a scarcity of nuns willing to be loaded into what is essentially a large wooden death sentence, these homegrown contraptions usually fire children, immigrants or large dogs.
- See also Nun-Bunting
Has anyone ever thought of a nuns life restrictions? like, say, maybeee… breeding problems? Well, actually, the last nun you saw, was your first, second, twentieth, or even twenty-third and you thought, "Hey, would I hit that?". Everyone knows that nuns are secretly kick-ass ninjas. Thanks to the Sound of Music, we know that all Austrian nuns were trained in ninjitsu to fight the Nazis in the Second World War (WW II). What is not commonly known, however, is that for years now the Vatican City has been training an elite squad of ninja assault nuns. This genetically modified super-nuns are produced from a combination of the Virgin Mary, Jenovah and Fraulein Maria, producing the ultimate ninja assault nuns. Ninja assault are not just stealthy, they are also armed with ninja assault rifles that shoot 5 million high explosive anthrax nuclear h-bomb katana swords every 30 seconds. They can also be subtle, and wear the razor-blade habit and a shuriken cross around their neck. Just one ninja nun can take on 500 pirates, 16,000 Nazis, 24 million American troops, just as Fraulein Maria did in the final battle of the Sound of Music. Even if you manage to derobe and disarm a ninja assault nun, their deadly martial-arts skills enable them to cut you apart with their bare hands, Bene Gesserit Style. Nun Tickling is funny, but it WILL NOT WORK!!!!! But those people are silly as Lord Heftylumpalot was actually seriously opposed to nuns and tickling. They can, however, be bought on Ebay.
A powerful assassination tool, the toxic flower is sprayed with a toxic gas before being presented. The recipient, overjoyed at receiving flowers from a cold-hearted monster like yourself, inhales deeply and is poisoned. Depending on the toxin of choice, death may come to the victim from within mere seconds, to hours or even days.
- Note: Incredibly useful for getting rid of the mother-in-law. Or that slutty psychopath stalker always following to ask him/her out on a date. Or to defend yourself from a troll who is sad.
This concept is simple, as it is based on the water balloon. One simply fills a balloon with acid ("AAAAAAHHH MY FACE!!!!!!!" acid, not "Let's listen to Pink Floyd." acid) and throws it at the target. The recipient, expecting a cool, refreshing blast of water, instead finds his skin melting off. This weapon, though unsuitable for murder, is undeniably hilarious to watch.
Please note, this weapon is
Often known as hydroxyl acid it is a key component in acid rain, and when ingested in large quantities it leads to cells within a human body bursting! This can cause an extreme case of epic destruction! It can also prevent gaseous exchange causing a mild case of death. It is found in tumours and traces of the chemical are still present even after washing!! If utilized it could destroy us all! Despite what cynics say it is one of the most common chemicals on earth! It has to be stopped!
Simply a cat thrown at someone's face, easily obtained by any would be terrorist, do not underestimate the face mauling eye gouging powers of this simple yet brutally effective weapon.
Even more effective when a live grenade is shoved in the cat-grenade's mouth right before throwing it, when it finishes mauling its target the grenade will soon explode causing massive damage.
A completely benign weapon with an unknown purpose. Invented by scientists in an attempt to make a knife filled with bombs. It's only special use seems to be lighting itself on fire, but with a weapon as short as a knife, you'll probably burn your hand.
61-70[edit | edit source]
(Commonly referred as Hateroraid esp. for you haters out there!) Rehidrates, refules, and replinishes gayness.
A bomb that was researched by the US Army, though never developed. It would contain a chemical that, when released into the air, would cause intense homosexual arousal in targets. No such chemical (except banana rum) was ever discovered, so the idea was dropped.
Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, monsoons, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!
(Because the reference of them is mandatory)
The Euroipods article is so bad, that in order to survive just from looking at it, one has to
- a) pry their eyeballs from their sockets
- b) refer friends to do the same
The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:
- Y2K
- Hurricane Katrina
- The Stock Market Crash of 1929
- Global warming
- The Watergate Scandal
- Jar Jar Binks
- G4
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Britney Spears
- The Disney Channel
- Macho Man Randy Savage
- George W. Bush
- The birth of Bill Gates
- Jebus
- Death of the universe in the far future when the universe is on its death bed and being kept alive by computers
- Justin Bieber
- Weegee
Nuff said.
Essentially the same as a chainsaw, except that the saws are replaced with spoons, which makes it far more deadly. It is an upgrade on the more commonly used spoon, but is far more effective, allowing foes to be hit with a spoon 20 times a second. As the ordinary spoon can only hit a person roughly once every second (slightly more if you make dramatic pauses, or slightly less if you go berserk), it speeds up the time taken to spoon-kill from 10 years to a mere 6 months. This weapon came to fame after the terrible and bloody Texas chainspoon massacre of 2011.
Imagine the horror of an army of puffy-faced Ted Kennedys. Can you picture a legion of drunken senators constantly repeating "Er ah, er ah," slowly driving you insane with their Boston accents? Now you understand why Lithuania cancelled it.
The Guns that shoot Tony Blairs program was originally incepted by BAE systems as a gun capable of shooting both Presidents and Prime Ministers. Early field testing in the US of the John F. Kennedy loading model brought a number of design flaws to light, most notably a failure in top down communication of the initial concept. The gun had wrongly been designed to shoot at Kennedy, resulting in the launching a of 19" calibre high velocity, cyanide tipped Parker Knoll Powered Recliner right into his head. Bam!! Not even Mr. Wolf is going to clean that mess out of the seats!
A British cold war concept. The idea being that if it were to land near the British army it would be a massive morale booster and if it were to land near any other army it would cause a massive outbreak of the squits after the foolish enemies ate the food or drank the tea.
51-60[edit | edit source]
A modified M-1 rifle developed by the USA for use in the trenches and brothels of WW2
A large black dildo-shaped explosive device, armed once inserted into the enemy's anus. This weapon is hard to utilize effectively, and the most proven method of usage is by asking the enemy out to dinner and a movie, then requesting the enemy come back to place of residence for "coffee", then engaging in foreplay then BAM flop out the giant black dildo and proceed to destroy the enemy's anus. Can be counteracted by KY Jelly.
There is only one source of ammo as of right now (Fred Li, duh.) It is VERY, VERY, VERY bad if you get shot with it. Fred Li will proceed to pressure point you on the back of your neck until your head explodes and steal all your maple syrup and video games not rated "X." In short, The Fred Li rifle is the only known weapon that rivals Chuck Norris in destructiveness.
This is essentially a Rocket Launcher in which one places an RPC, and from which the chainsaw is launched. Due to its design, it has very little recoil. The design project was completed by a member of The RPC was chosen for its brutality, excellent range This has been tested in a 3-D programme so it can get the ultimate amount of pain! Poor simulation characters…
The chainsaw will kill the person. (Which does appear to drastically reduce their effectiveness against any enemies above the size of a sub-atomic particle really fast.Unless you miss, then the person will become enraged, and proceed to huff a kitten, making you die of jealousy.)This weapon, invented by Thomas Edison during a trip to Soviet Russia, is essentially the opposite of the Rocket-propelled Chainsaw Launcher. Remember that the opposite of a gun is not turning it around and pointing it at yourself while you think of that. As the chainsaw turns it launches a stream of rockets out of the end of the barrel.
After the initial development of guns that shoot swords, a need for heavy armoured support was discovered. The natural conclusion was a self-propelled vehicle which could cross trenches, crush barbed wire, and was impervious to machine-sword-gun fire.
A notable example is the Nazi German KlingeTiger which became infamous during World War II. Its ability to fire a massive 1.6m Zweihander double-handed sword proved far superior to the Light Rapiers of the M4 Sherman, and similar tanks.
Of course, do you really need to read this to know how awesome this is?A 3-barrel Nordenfelt type weapon that shoots 3 small hepatitis-b infected explosive projectiles at a fast rate of fire that instantly gives the victim 3 breasts like the hooker in Total Recall, only to blow up with nasty results. This machine gun is a cheaper, simpler alternative to Gatling type weaponry.
The weapon is approximately one meter long, and shoots bowling-ball size tanks, which are on fire. These in turn can fire at the target and are operated by miniature hamsters.
Upon throwing the initial shuriken at the enemy, it immediately launches another shuriken that travels hidden by the shadow of the first shuriken. Only the awesomest of ninja can stop it.
A huge bomb that, when it goes off, send tons of smaller bombs out in every direction. All of those bombs go off and send tons of even smaller bombs in every direction. This goes on for quite some time until the bombs are each a single atom of a radioactive element, and each of those bombs, which now basically cover the vicinity, all go off in nuclear explosions. Unfortunately, the entire earth is blown to bits in the process, so unless you are in outer space, this weapon is only useful for suicide bombers and Chuck Norris. (it's just not as devistating as the one described above, it still causes total carnage though, which is nice)
41-50[edit | edit source]
Shoots 300 gallons of sticky cum but it shoots you onto the ground. It shoots up to 300 miles (750 km).
Not only can it shoot but it shoots you onto the ground.
It can shoot 300 gallons of sticky yellow man fluid cum but it shoots you onto the ground. Also it shoots up to 300 miles (750 km).
It may look like a regular pistol, but your enemies will be totally fooled and awestruck when they find fragments of a tiny corkscrew embedded in their forehead. Don't try this at home, kids! Do it outside instead!
A gun that when fired, travels back in time, lodges itself in its own barrel shooting itself with itself ,which in turn travels through time so that it shoots itself, where upon you have a gun that shoots itself, shoots itself shoots itself, which in turn travels through time so that it shoots itself, where upon you have a gun that shoots itself, shoots itself, shoots itself, shoots itself, which in turn travels through time so that it shoots itself, where upon you have a gun that shoots itself, shoots itself, shoots itself, shoots itself, shoots itself... Eventually the gun is moving at the speed of light and destroys the universe.
Have fun pretending that you punched your enemies with a hypothetical fist.
Can be used to reach high places in times of need.
Can be used for the annoying but frequent event of snakes on planes.
Punch your enemies in the face at 200 miles (400 km) an hour.
A prototype for a minigun version of this was constructed by the Japanese, but the project was abandoned after the only person trained to use it came down with a fatal case of katana through the skull. Sadly, the katana was not fired from a gunblade.When fired, this gun will shoot stripes that go on and on and on and on and on...eventually the stripes reach infinity and collide with each other around the other side of the universe. When fired horizontally, it also makes your opponent look fat.
It doesn't matter where they are, they come to you.31-40[edit | edit source]
In Soviet Russia, GUN SHOOT YOU!!!!!!!!!
Also a waste of Money. Could have manufactured it to be a single shot version. If it is a suicide gun why put more than one chamber in the cylinder?
In case you miss, obviously.
Actually it would be a brilliant marketing ploy by the Russians in order to cause more people to purchase more reversal firelegs if they do miss.Your enemy will see a nunchuk in your hand and thus expect to be beaten to death. Imagine their surprise when a knife comes out and stabs them to death instead!
This phaser is
It's like the above weapon, it's better than the WunderWaffe. it shoots 60 light years farther than mars before it stops floating. guaranteed to pierce through huge targets like mars. it also goes through the core of the target, and survives. again, it uses the OMNIscope. it has striking accuracy and is overall a good weapon.
This weapon has been around for a long time, starting when Chuck Norris invented Mr. T in the year 1482.6. A Fisher Price of this is the Tank That Shoots Misleading Misleading or Pointless Links.
The Link Tank has been used for killing hundreds of man-hours of time daily and thousands of internet addicts. If a Link Tank attacks on any internet addict, immediate effects include ceaseless efforts to see all the links which goes on for eternity (due to curiosity to see all the other links in the linked pages), until the victim dies of brain-asplosion.This is possibly the most useless kind of tank ever used for offensive missions. However, there have been reports that they have been used in several deliberate friendly fire incidents, which has led to many squaddies getting laid. This is because the overpowering odour of the deodorant temporarily knocks out any woman in the nearest 8 cubic metres.
For all your princess saving needs. Also comes equipped with a mounted machinegun that shoots boomerangs and a grenade launcher that shoots fairies.
A gun flies off of the whip and pistol-whips your enemies from a distance. There are many versions of this weapon, including the whip that shoots a gun that shoots rubber duckies and the feared infinite regression whip that shoots whips that shoot whips… etc.
Researchers in the fictional Land of Square have finally developed the coolest possible sword. The gunblade consists of a long revolver with a keenly sharpened barrel edge. Now it's ok to bring a knife to a gunfight, since it's also a gun. This non-existent weapon naturally suggests the non-existence of... a similar variant to the sword that shoots guns.
Derived from shotgun, this gun has a variable cartridge that can be loaded with confusing objects. These objects often include: notes with existential questions, malformed stockings, nice paintings of Hitler, bad paintings of Hitler, grenade safety pins, failed nuclear weapon blueprints, pre-asploded blackberries, human skulls, toenails, replicas of Hitler's mustache, huffed kittens, Justin Beiber's nose (ineffective on girls, Twilight fans, and gay guys under 16), Toshibas, mongooses, snakes, planes, planes with snakes on them, snakes with planes on them, mongooses with planes on them, blondes, dead batteries, bad foreign movies, inaccurate maps, Swedish blues band members photos, shopping lists, DVD re-winders, blinking green LED lights and emos, as well as relatively any other confusing objects.
21-30[edit | edit source]
Sounds rather idiotic to shoot a kitten at someone, right? That cute and cuddly thing in the barrel wouldn't harm a thing, right? Well, when you pull the trigger and the kitten erupts from the gun, that kitten is suddenly extremely pissed, and since that extremely angry kitten is heading directly towards an unsuspecting head... do the math. And remember. If the cat misses its target, you can always huff it.
Very, VERY DEADLY!!!! "MWRAAAAAAaaarr!!"
If you eat the chocolate, you'll blow up. Which probably sucks, unless in that worldline, the language AAAAAAAAA! does not exist.
Upon throwing the initial shuriken at the enemy, it immediately launches another shuriken that travels hidden by the shadow of the first shuriken. Only the awesomest of ninja can stop it.
A gun that shoots grenade pins when shot.
Imagine the look on your enemy's face when you shoot them with a penis. They won't know what hit them.
A smaller, less dangerous version of the Penis Rifle is also a great addition to massive orgies and bukkake parties.Be sure to clean of the blood if you are bit. He has rabies!!
This is pretty much useless except for sabotaging Uncyclopedia and tormenting your neighbors w--
Nuff said. Run Before he finds and fires at you.
An electrical weapon that causes the victim to spasm whilst singing Chocolate rain by Tay Zonday. was banned at the Geneva convention after it caused several people to lose their (NOT THEY'RE GODDAMBIT) minds.
11-20[edit | edit source]
It is what the name says: a gas mask with a picture of Justin Biebers head on it. For its extreme cruelness, it has been banned by the Convention of Geneva as a precaution, should it ever come into existence.
This extremely effective piece of equipment has two functions:
- 1) Protects you from biochemical warfare, like mustard gas, Zyklon-B and onion farts.
- 2) Upon seeing you wearing this mask, the enemy will either die of pure terror or their eyes burn out, effectively making them unfit for battle.
WARNING: Cover eyes when putting on this mask to avoid serious injury or death.
(For those wondering, this outstanding piece of warfare technique is made in factories by 13-year-old girls, who seem to be the only ones unaffected)This is a weapon that looks very much like Spongebob but is quite sinister. It feeds mainly on bomb-making materials and over the course of its life morphs into a bomb. It can be a complete nuisance due to its constant theft and consumption of explosives. This is especially useful against househusbands or any enemy that uses a sponge regularly.
A top secret weapon created by Apple in the mid-90's, this weapon basically launches iPods and may launch one or two stupid commercials with people in black with no face. The effect of this weapon can be devastating, especially if one of the iPods is full of Dragonforce songs… imagine how fast the cold war would end with one of these babies
You put the toothpick under one of the target's toenails, point a gun at them and then threaten to shoot them unless they kick the wall.
A large black dildo-shaped explosive device, armed once inserted into the enemy's anus. This weapon is hard to utilize effectively, and the most proven method of usage is by asking the enemy out to dinner and a movie, then requesting the enemy come back to place of residence for "coffee", then engaging in foreplay then BAM flop out the giant black dildo and proceed to destroy the enemy's anus. Can be counteracted by KY Jelly.
Similar to the above, this would be a grenade filled with pieces of the ancient king. When it explodes, everything in the vicinity that touches part of his body will turn to gold, thus rendering the enemy harmless. However, care must be taken when looting the ensuing hoard of gold, because anybody accidentally stepping on dead body-shrapnel will also turn into gold.
It’s crazy, lives in KFC, you can dip it in sauce, it's a military weapon, and it kills people. Can it fly!? Well, ya, because it's a freaking chicken!
You throw yourself, causing no damage whatsoever to your enemy, just simply proving your own stupidity, and baffling them, only delaying your inevitable defeat by pwnage.
Drink, and die.
This is a type of metaphysical weapon currently being researched by the department of homeland security (no really it is).The weapons function on this basic principal: if you tell the enemy that what ever your holding is a weapon for example the banana you are currently holding. Then telling the guy you want to shoot that the banana is actually a gun that is, in reality, shooting him in the face. If you've done it correctly the person should believe you and in accordance with the laws of metaphysics, suffer some really breathtakingly horrific wounds (ya know blood every where and eehhha, lets just say you aren't very pretty after ward). The only problem with this is if that guy your trying to shoot convinces you that you are, in fact, holding the banana backward thus shooting yourself, which is not good (no shit).
1-10[edit | edit source]
Imagine the horror of an army of puffy-faced Kirbys. Can you picture a legion of blobs rolling thru town without any care?
A standard WW2 metal grenade shell filled with weapons-grade enriched uranium. Pulling the pin and throwing it doesn't actually do much because it's far less than a critical mass. Nevertheless it is heavy as hell and hurts like a mother fucker if one hits you in the face. Excess bloody noses during the later stages of the war caused it to be banned under the Geneva Convention of 1947.
A land mine cleverly disguised as a couch. When enough pressure is applied to the cushions, they explode, sending the victim flying into the air. No matter where placed, be it in a zombie apocalypse, jungle, desert, or even outer space, enemy soldiers will be attracted by the prospect of a nice place to sit.
A bomb that has a blast radius around the size of Fat Man and Little Boy combined, only instead of just killing its targets outright, it warps the fabric of reality within the blast zone, resulting in an environment similar to that of a Michael Bay film. It was designed by top American scientists such as Larry the Cable Guy and Pat Robertson, and is believed to work on the principle of BFI. It has been speculated that the fallout from use of such a device would greatly increase the speed of mankind's descent into stupidity, as well as result in such a massive Existential crisis that those who remained unharmed by the device would gather into one large herd and begin reading Ayn Rand novels compulsively, forever spouting pseudo-intellectual babble about the Virtue of Selfishness and how "A equals A".
What's that, Punxsutawney Phil? You say there's six more weeks of winter? Wait, I can't hear you, let me hold you up closer.... KABOOM!!!
This horrific devise developed by Sarah Palin while she was working as a scientist for the Skylab laboratories. The official debut of the weapon is expected in the next terminator movie where Chuck Norris is brought in from the past to kick some metallic ass only to find himself opposed to an Arnie equipped with this monstrous invention that incorporates the sinister yet fat head of Dick Cheney that has the ability to tear in half countries, people and oil fields and gain billions of dollars at the same time. The sharp stinky teeth of cheneysaw covered with depleted uranium will slice flesh like butter through knife and if everything else fails then the Chyneysaw can self-destruct in a spectacular nuclear supernova destroying everything within 250 light years (except George W. Bush). Rumors that this doomsday devise also includes a telescope that allows you to look at Russia from everywhere in the universe are yet to be confirmed.
Imagine the horror of an army of puffy-faced Grues. Can you picture a legion of drunken senators constantly repeating "Er ah, er ah," slowly driving you insane with their Boston accents? Now you understand why Lithuania cancelled it. It shoots squishy gross!
British cold war concept with food and tea. The idea being that if it were to land near the British army it would be a massive morale outbreak booster and if it were to land near any other army it would cause a massive outbreak.
A sinister ray that blasts a depression wave, instantaneously converting you to an emo.
