Tay Zonday
“I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS MUTHAFUCKING CHOCOLATE IN MY MUTHAFUCKING RAIN!!!!”
“Back in my day, we didn't have chocolate rain. We had vanilla rain, and damn it, we LIKED IT!”
“Chocolate rain. Listening to this song makes me insane.”
“Chuck Norris is the only one who doesn't feel pain when some stay dry.”
“I may or may not be his father... Probably may.”
“That's racist!”
[Zonday quietly moves away from the Mike and does something unfinished ]...
The Chocolate Rain Guy (born Tay Zonday or less commonly Thai Zonday; July 6, 1982 – disappeared August 11, 2008) was an American musician and alchemist best known for his vocal opposition to chocolate rain cessation theory. After many unsuccessful attempts to disseminate his opposition to the theory, he recently popularized his views in a song made famous through a music video. He also has the world record (69) for moving away from microphone more than any other musician.
Biography[edit | edit source]
As Mr. Zonday creatively pointed out, a peculiar fad of the time in which people would flaunt their enormously distracting bubons while ringing around any rosie that happened to be in the immediate vicinity, or drowning themselves in chocolate precipitation, might have been the cause of multiple unconfirmed reports of
BLACK BLACK BLACK DARK-CHOCOLATE BLACK BLACK
babies dying before the sin. His family was a site of much strife, with his father often beating his entire family with a small penis. After escaping the sexual relationship he foolishly began with his mother, he tried his hand at his childhood passion of beekeeping, before releasing his online videos in a drunken stupor. Due to his healthy diet of wine, bread, and halfback, Mr. Zonday has lived a relatively full life and has recently celebrated his 575th birthday. Zonday's surprisingly youthful, yet brown appearance has been accredited to his very close, personal relationship with well-known singer/songwriter Michael Jackson. Jackson reportedly referred Zonday to his personal plastic surgeon who took it upon himself to reconstruct Zonday's facial features such that he may look more like the illegitimate son of Janet Jackson and Kermit the Frog. He has also maintained his youthful appearance through the use of the Philosopher's stone. Hey, better than his brother, Gay Zonday. He ended up working as a slave to Mexicans.
Career in Alchemy[edit | edit source]
Early in the 1990's Zonday joined other famed Alchemists such as Saint Thomas Aquinas, Toby Keith, and Oscar Wilde in the search for a way to transform some random shit into some other random shit. Zonday and Keith joined forces, and the resulting team, Zonday the Alchemy Man and his loyal sidekick Keith. Zonday once said,m"I know some super secret shit . . . you don't wanna screw with me . . . dude", (mysteriously moves away from the mike). Unleashed a wave of destruction the likes of which the world had not seen since the legendary battle between Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris.
Due to the clash in brain power between the brilliantly intelligent Zonday and Keith, a man who completely misunderstands the way the world works in every way, and would later write the following song lyrics-- "i'm just a middle aged middle eastern camel herding man! i've got a two bedroom cave here in north Afghanistan . . . we'll flip the finger to and give a big boner to the taliban!," the duo attempted to transform water in any of it's physical phases (liquid, gas, solid) into something containing chocolate without the physical addition of cocoa. The ultimate goal of Zonday's work was to disprove the commonly accepted Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory which proposes that the only way to transform water into chocolate is using an almost mythical chemical known today as Solderfiend. Scientists agree that after the Big Bang, Solderfiend was completely obliterated in the atmosphere, making chocolate rain a physical impossibility. This could have lead to the extinction of dinosaurs as they subsisted almost entirely on falling chocolate. Zonday believes that it is possible to use alchemy to chemically synthesize Solderfiend, proving that it could still exist in nature causing the undetectably small cocoa content of rainclouds in the Amazon. Unlike Zonday, Kieth did not have an ultimate goal in his attempts to create chocolate rain, he was more like a helper monkey who Zonday lured into his laboratory by waving various shiny objects in front of the window.
TAY ZONDAY HAS PROVEN THE ART OF HOME MADE MACHINERY
"Chocolate Rain"[edit | edit source]
Chocolate rain is a song made popular and performed by Tay Zonday. Though originally written by Billy Ray Cyrus, Tay has received all the credit for it. Billy Ray has said that he will take Tay to court if he doesn't credit him in the video's "info" section on Youtube.com. Tay mentioned Billy Ray for three weeks, but due to receiving 30,000 less views a week he took it out. His views returned almost instantly. It was revealed in a 2007 interview with Time that Tay and Billy Ray had a former relationship. It seemed that Tay liked to make BR swim in his chocolate and drink his rain. They adopted a child, who they left in the basement for 38 years. As soon as the no-longer-baby was found, it was adopted by Brad Pitt. The baby later grew up to be Angelina Jolie.
The meaning of the cryptic lyrics has long been controversial. Many different interpretations have been put forward by various people. However, in a rare tell-all interview with Roseanne, Zonday revealed that he was inspired to pen the song after spending a night repeatedly watching the video 2 Girls 1 Cup. This revelation led to a long awkward pause in the interview, as Tay did not realize that Roseanne was one of the actresses on the infamous viral video - this was subsequently edited out in post-production.
In November of 2007, Kenny G covered "Chocolate Rain" on his album, "I Suck But Still Put Out Albums". This led to Zonday's resurgence in popularity, because they wanted to hear his rendition more than Kenny G's.
Video removed by the user. Ugh! My brains!
Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory (CRoCheT)[edit | edit source]
Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory, which posits the conclusion of the centuries-long meteorological-cum-sociological phenomenon known as chocolate rain, is based upon one simple principle, namely, that all stay dry and no one feels the pain. It follows from this premise that babies born will not die before the sin, that we will not be happy living in a gate, and that test scores are not how much the parents make. Since it was first postulated in the early modern period, the theory has thoroughly enriched and substantiated by the scientific community. Widely considered the piece de resistance of CRoCheT studies, Nicholas Sparks' popular novel The Notebook effectively closed debate on the issue. John Stamos is actually believed to be the true originator of this Theory by die-hard fans and "The Stamos" himself.
Longevity[edit | edit source]
Although Zonday's life began almost six centuries ago, he did not begin to pursue his career as an alchemist and a musician until he reached the ripe old age of eleven. Despite the flurry of scientific discoveries that defined the Middle Ages, Zonday was unable to make significant headway in his attempts to disprove the chocolate rain cessation theory. As was custom at the time, he traveled far and wide, discussing the matter with various priests, oracles, and other godlike mythical people and creatures.
The answer he received from each of these beings, however, was not what he wanted to hear. It seemed that Zonday would need an appropriate sidekick to help him complete his master plan, and that his sidekick would not be born until approximately half a millennium had passed. Although ignorance and misunderstanding were prevolent in Zonday's society, he could not locate any one person who was quite chocolate minded enough for the job, and he accepted the idea that he would just have to wait until he could locate the legendary Toby Kieth as the oracles had promised. To pass the time until he could resume his study of the art of alchemy, Zonday teamed up with the most famous singer, songwriter, writer, poet of our and any time -- anonymous! The two of them began infusing the folk music scene with songs advertising the existence and ill effects of chocolate rain. This method of informing the public about chocolate rain proved to be a successful way of communicating the key points of the issue to the general public. Zonday's methods of publicizing the phenomenon of chocolate rain would later be referenced by other environmental visionaries including Al Gore, who reciently used a very similar method to inform the public about global warming.
Court[edit | edit source]
In recent times children have claimed to have spotted Michael Jackson, unknowing of Tay Zonday. Zonday was held in a Chocolate jail cell for many seconds, before being released into court. When asked how he plead, he yelled out "Chocolate Rain". It would seem the same crime holds the higher price to pay.
"Be proud young lady, no girl of your age has accomplished such greatness" -Tay Zonday's father
Relationship with Darth Vader[edit | edit source]
In recent years, while on a spiritual quest, he found out that he, was in fact, related to Darth Vader in some capacitation, explaining the deepness of his voice, and his love for Chocolate. He has allegedly recently been found placing pieces of chocolate inside of his anus. This report is yet to be confirmed, but by the sound of his voice, it is quite certain he has been. As developments arise, we will report, but for the time being, Zay's boyfriends should stay a good 10 yards away from his anus.
Rivalry with The Hulk[edit | edit source]
After slaying the King (Yul Brynner) and blowing up the Death Star, Zonday ventured into some random city where the Hulk was smashing stuff with his emerald fists. Zonday witnessed in pain as the green biatch destroyed his beloved chocolate candy/dildo emporium. He vowed revenge on the Hulk, and was seen running around slapping green Barbie dolls around. Weeks after, Zonday planned to break into the Hulk's house and ass rape his dog. However, he was shot by a racist police officer. "Negro at night, I had to do something!" As offensive as this was, he was awarded a Medal of Honor, even though he didn't go to any wars.
Current Status[edit | edit source]
As of May 2008, Tay has been somewhat complacent. James Peterson, a fourteen year-old from Middleberry, TX, who is seriously considering becoming a potential news reporter, recently bumped into Tay in whatever city within whatever state that city is in at the local Carl's Jr. Tay was eating the six dollar burgar for $4.99. James asked, "Hows it goin'?" to which Mr. Zonday reported, "Complacent." Tay ate all but three fries and got two refills on his Mr. Pibb.
Kidnapping[edit | edit source]
On August 11th, 2008, an Amber Alert was issued for the disappearance of Tay Zonday. Currently, the kidnappers, and the whereabouts of Zonday, are unknown.[citation needed]
He's presumed dead.