Sorcerer's Stone
“Bloody Americans. Can't even pronounce "Philosopher"”
A Sorcerer's Stone, also known as that one magical rock thingy, can be used in the creation of stuff, such as gold and "magic" life-extending liquids. Some scientists claim that the stone has no real powers, but recent discoveries by the government indicate otherwise...
History[edit | edit source]
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... some dudes wanted to get rich quick, so they thought it would be a grand idea if they could turn ordinary junk into pure gold. This desire lead them to try many recipes in their quest for riches, including experiments leading to the discovery of TV, whales, and tin cans. Despite their valiant efforts and amazing discoveries, they mainly ended up angering a whole bunch of other people (no one really likes whales, so their invention was clearly intended to enrage everyone). The backlash from their epic failure to produce shiny materials quashed all further attempts to create a stone.
In 2009, the United States government revived the quest for the Sorcerer's Stone. They called upon leading experts in all fields, including Giusep nay, George Orwell, Barrack Obama, and Brett Favre. These experts were able to develop a recipe for a Sorcerer's Stone, but funding was pulled before it could be tested (something about needing the money to pay for some sort of stimulus or something).
Giusep Nay, overly upset by the loss of funding, stole the recipe and is currently attempting to perfect it in his Swaziland summer home. This is hampered by the lack of fresh eggs in the area.
Sorcerer's stones have many practical uses, including the creation of super whales from normal whales. The creation of super whales allows an increase in the number of worldwide WAMS (whale to air missile systems), and also increases the world blubber population, effectively making eskimos and other cold people (like Canadians) less cold.
The original sorcerer's stone has been credited with many amazing feats such as: starting World War II, sending Eurasia into the Australian depression of 1967.5, Killing 1,000 kangaroos, ending world hunger, worsening world hunger, getting George W. Bush elected, creating world peace, ending world peace, erecting the tower of babel, talking to God, yelling at God, screaming at God, having coffee and brunch with God, giving Jesus powers, starting the human race, the Vietnam War Hoax, the Iraq War, Sarah Palin, and much much more!
The sorcerer's stone is coveted between high school math geeks due to it's helpfulness with Calculus, (known in some states as death, or Hitler). The sorcerer's stone is equipped with the ability to find a Derivative and an Integral all over your face (if you like it that way). Sorcerer's stones are also helpful in creating chemical reactions and heating up bread to make a strange foreign substance called Toast.
Feline Calculus[edit | edit source]
Feline calculus is a discipline of calculus dealing with the relationship between sorcerer's stones and their animal counterparts, Cats. The fundamental theorem of evil part 3 states that cats and sorcerer's stones are inverses, and that every continuous cat has a sorcerer's stone. With these facts math people were able to construct wonders such as New York and Canada (sorry for that one). Feline Calculus was discovered by Attorney Pitz after a cat jumped into her pants in search of a sorcerer's stone. Upon reaching the sorcerer's stone the cat and stone seemed to explode, leaving a super node in Ms. Pitz's pants and dissolving a portion of her leg (the left one). Attorney Pitz had this to say about the incident, "F**** cat took my stone."
The supernode has since been dealt with by removing 14 doughnuts from the pockets of Ms. Pitz's pants. Since the incident Attorney Pitz has been left crippled in her pants and may never walk again. She is now considered public enemy number 1, for extending the evil that is known as calculus and for interning the superwhale.
The greatest accomplishment of Feline Calculus was the creation of the Cat-Toast Device.
Recipe[edit | edit source]
This recipe was copied off of the back of a government official's used napkin (what it was doing there is anybody's guess). How successful this recipe is has yet to be tested (as far as you know...).
Ingredients:
First, boil the eggs. Then shell the eggs and separate the whites from the yolks. Next, purify the egg whites with the horse manure (it has never been made clear how one goes about purifying things with manure, but it would appear that it can be done). Add the now purified egg whites back to the shells. Then, heat that mixture and distill from it an oil. Let that oil harden. That should create a Sorcerer's Stone.