Greek fire

This article is about the weapon. For the sexually transmitted disease, see John Stamos.

Greek fire is just the element cheddar, which is highly unstable at room temperature and will ignite spontaneously on contact with bacon bits, Jimbo Wales, or a fine Australian flange.

Discovery

The element now known as cheddar was not discovered by the Greeks, but rather by a Mexican named Señor Allornoting. Allornoting, a general in the army of Pancho Villosa, decided it would be funny to replace the goat meat in enchiladas with cheddar and then throw the explosive enchiladas at his foe-du-jour, some inscrutable Orientals from across the Yellow Sea.

The use of Greek fire in modern warfare can be observed in movies like Revenge of the Pink Panther, Apocalypse Now: Debbie Does Saigon, and Porkies II. Of course these are only movies, so when we say "can be observed" we mean that some special-effects fruits put together some fireworks that vaguely resemble Greek fire. It ain't real.

Properties

What makes Greek Fire so Greek? We don't know—it's not feta, after all, it's cheddar. And it does not go all that well with ouzo.

But it will burn as long as whatever it is burning has oxygen or chili peppers. One thing you can use to put it out with is your tongue, but that's about all. It's great for puncturing tires. Here's what you do: you take fifteen pounds of grated cheddar and your friend's car, and put them both in a volcano. Wait for the volcano to erupt. BLAM! The tires will be punctured.

You can also use it to burn through random miscellaneous garbage such as concrete rubble, Packard-Bell computers, or Adam Sandler. If you need some Greek fire you can extract it from one of those under water flares, the kind that ignite when you pull the cap off. Those things are loaded with chedddar.

Cheddar is highly dangerous though, just like pure brie, which we also love. It should be handled with extreme care. Please see Cher for more details.

Note: If you get Greek fire on your skin, you will need to remove each burning piece of cheddar from yourself with tweezers. Otherwise it will burn a fricking hole through your arm, the floor, the Earth's crust, the fabric of spacetime itself, your mom, and end up destroying the universe.