Elizabeth Warren
Elizabeth Warren | |
|---|---|
 Warren on a peyote-fueled vision quest | |
| United States Senator from Massachusetts | |
| Assumed office January 3, 2013 Serving with Ed Markey | |
| Preceded by | Scott Brown |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
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| Political party | Democratic (1996–present) |
| Other political affiliations | Republican (Before 1996) |
| Spouse(s) | Jim Warren (m. 1968; div. 1978) Bruce H. Mann (m. 1980) |
| Children | 2 |
| Education | University of Houston (BS) Rutgers Law School (JD) |
| Occupation |
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| Signature |  |
| Website | www.pleasecommitmenow.gov |
Elizabeth Ann Warren (born June 22, 1949) is a Native American politician, lawyer, and professor currently serving as one of the many failed candidates in the 2020 Democratic Party presidential primaries, the only thing that was a bigger shitshow than the 2012 Republican Party presidential primaries. Before venturing into politics, Warren had an ambiguous career as a lawyer and served as Harvard Law School's first female professor of color.
Warren is the first person to be diagnosed with “Warrenism”, a mental disorder which is named after her. This condition involves a gradual deterioration of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain which is responsible for making rational decisions. It is unclear if Warren ever had a healthy brain, but the virus has definitely attacked her brain, making her political ideology more erratic and tyrannical. As of 2020, her brain is so far gone that she thinks it makes sense to create a state of complete government control.
Early life, education, and family[edit | edit source]
Warren was born Elizabeth Ann Herring in Oklahoma City on June 22, 1949, the daughter of Chief Standing Turkey and his third wife Awinita. Warren grew up in a strict, devout Cherokee household. Her father was a leader of the Keetoowah Nighthawk Society who lead community rain dances (which Warren eagerly participated in) every three days. After graduating from Northwest Classless High School, she married James Robert "Jim" Warren in a traditional Keetoowah ceremony.
Warren and her husband moved to Houston, where he was employed by the capitalist pigs at IBM. She enrolled in the University of Houston and graduated in 1970 with a BS degree in dreamcatcher weaving.
The Warrens moved to New Jersey when Jim received a job transfer. She soon became pregnant and decided to stay at home to care for their daughter, Unega. After Unega turned two, Warren enrolled in Rutgers Law School at Rutgers University, studying real estate and contract law, as Warren said, "hoping to avoid the mistakes [her] ancestors made when the white man came and stole [their] land". Shortly before graduating, Warren became pregnant with their second child, Sequoyah.
Political positions[edit | edit source]
As part of her push for tyranny and as a side effect of her deteriorating brain, Warren ran for president in 2020. She failed, miserably, but she is still trying to impose as much of her will on the world as possible using her platform as a female senator of color. Here are some of her policies:
Free universal child care and preschool[edit | edit source]
Warren supports using these government funded childcare facilities as indoctrination mills to turn kids into mindless assassins of all capitalists and traitors.
Medicare for All[edit | edit source]
Every time someone goes to the doctor under this program, Warren supports secretly injecting them with trackers and truth serum so the government can weed out the traitors.
Wealth tax[edit | edit source]
Warren supports getting rid of rich people, because they are the only ones who have enough power to challenge the government.
Retirement savings[edit | edit source]
In an inexplicable attempt to expand America's wildly unsuccessful Social Security, Warren wants to tax the living shit out of your retirement savings. Blinded by social media in American Politics, Warren seems to have forgotten that old people are the only ones who actually vote.
Green New Deal[edit | edit source]
Elizabeth Warren’s favorite color is green and she wants to force it on the rest of us. She also supports spending trillions of dollars on a plan that has not been proven to be effective.
Immigration policy[edit | edit source]
Warren supports a plan under which actual citizens of the United States will be deported, and only illegal immigrants will be allowed to live in the US. This is part of Warren’s white inferiority plot where all white people will be eradicated (but not her of course, because she is Native American).
Fat broads and horse-faced lesbians[edit | edit source]
As part of her equal employment opportunity platform, Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris co-sponsored a bill that would require companies with 50 or more full-time employees to sexually harass fat broads and horse-faced lesbians at the same rate they sexually harass their attractive coworkers.
Wahoo money![edit | edit source]
In order to get the extra money required for her lunacy, Elizabeth Warren is planning on performing a shamanic ritual to make money appear out of nowhere. This ritual usually consists of Warren burning peyote incense and spouting feminist nonsense in her native Cherokee tongue, while Joaquin Phoenix bangs a buffalo hide drum to the beat of "Thunderheart".
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Elizabeth and Jim Warren divorced in 1978. Two years later, Elizabeth married Bruce H. Mann on July 12, 1980 in a traditional Keetoowah ceremony, but she kept her ex-husband's surname. When asked why, Warren responded, "Do you have any idea how much paperwork is involved in changing your name? You can't expect a lawyer to do all that! Besides, fuck Bruce H., I'm only marrying him for his money."
See also[edit | edit source]
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