Joaquin Phoenix

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Joaquin Lesser-Brother Phoenix (pronounced: /hwɑːˈkiːn ˈfiːnɪks/; born October 28, 1974), formerly credited as Leaves in the Fall Phoenix, is an alleged American film actor, lip-synching karoke man (but he calls himself a musician, the bastard), activist, and occasional gift wrapper for hire. He was born in San Juan, Puerto Rico, where he lived for the first 4 years of his childhood. His family then snuck into the continental United States, where he was raised. Among the many places in which he lived, because of his family's frequent moving, were Somalia, Shang-Ri-La and Never-Never-Never LAND. Phoenix is from a family of performers which includes his older brother, the late Polluted River Phoenix. Joaquin's biggest credit is riding high the coattails of his deceased, actually-talented older brother who also happened to be good-looking and not facially deformed in any way.

Phoenix has ventured behind the camera (where he belongs with a face and harelip like that), directing traffic as well as producing kiddie porn movies and cable-access television shows, and has recorded an album, the soundtrack to Trying to Walking a Straight Line. He is also known for his work as a social activist, particularly as an advocate for left-handed rights. On October 27, 2008, he announced his retirement from film in order to focus on his gift-wrapping career.

As an activist, Phoenix is well known for his intense hatred of coffee and cereal, as well as his ruthless advocacy of plant cruelty.

Black jesus.jpg

This page contains references to a man who once looked a lot like Jesus. Please do not confuse him with the man pictured here, who is indeed the one, true Jesus.

Joaquin Phoenix in his Oscar winning role as Steve the midshipman in 'To Fin For'.

"In the world of thermometers, he would be Dutch."

~ Casey Affleck, owner of New Kids On The Block hair.

"Even if he can't spell cinnamon correctly I'd still mate with him."

~ Liv Tyler, ex girlfriend and pong addict.

"He is the only hope our nation has for change."

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower, professional Kevin Bacon fan.

Joaquin Phoenix is an elitist manatee who is most famous for his role in To Fin For costarring Casey Affleck, brother to Ben Affleck. Joaquin and Casey met during the Christmas of Celine, 47 years ago while filming the movie in Norway under hazardous conditions created by the Great Manatee Depression of 42BC. Since then they have starred in 92 films together including Walk The Plank and Oceans Threehundred-eightyfive. They are an unstoppable acting force and are projected by CNN to take over the world in 2017 when they will turn all of Mexico into a museum and theme park.

*This page is composed of fictional material created by

emptycages and has nothing

at all to do with the real Joaquin Phoenix.

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  • Above we see a current picture of Mr. Phoenix in his natural habitat.

Biography[edit | edit source]

Hatched on the third moon of Pluto on October 28th 1492, to loving sperm donors Orville Redenbocker and Mary Kate Olsen, the family hover craft was full of eels thus Joaquin was tossed out as a youngster. Soon after he changed his name to Pepito to be more like his sisters Fall and Juan "angry eyebrow" Valdez. After a brief stint in a high wire tuba band at a cruelty free circus, Joaquin went into seclusion. Living in a coat hanger factory in Puerto Rico, spending his time as a free thinker, Phoenix invented both Keanu Reeves and subsequently maple syrup. With the patent still pending on his creations, Joaquin headed back to Hollywood, uncovering the myths of Atlantis before getting a role in Murder She Wrote as Billy Donovan, Angela Lansbury's house keeper and live in lover. Viewers were appalled by the show and its use of hand-puppets controlled by body parts other than hands. It was soon canceled. Luckily Joaquin was immediately cast in Manatee Soldiers in which he played a U.S. solider on shore leave at Sea World. To date Joaquin has starred in 1,383 films, including Walk The Plank - a silent film about Davey Jones, member of The Monkees, in which he played a knit green cap. Currently he is filming Reservation Pond and working on his masters degree in marine biology.

Random Facts[edit | edit source]

  • His first name is pronounced "Robert".
  • Now resides in Ohio, Hawaii.
  • Is made completely out of electrical tape.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the scar on his lip is not due to a repaired cleft lip or palate. It is simply the result of a shoe lace ironing accident.
  • Has a fear of Winona Ryder's vagina.--this phobia is not uncommon.
  • Like most girls, he has a smoldering crush on River Phoenix.
  • Speaks fluent Klingon.
  • Reportedly never washes behind his secret elbow.
  • Has a love of Canadians.
  • Brother-in-law of Casey Affleck.
  • In 2005 he entered rehab for his addiction to Hello Kitty products.
  • Holds the Guinness record for hobbit tossing.
  • Is currently touring with his band Joaq Of Seagulls, featuring Kirsten Dunst on the drums and Dominic Monaghan and Casey Affleck on the kazoo.
  • Is a strip Boggle champion.
  • Transforms into JoaquinHULK if angered.

Charity[edit | edit source]

In 2004 Phoenix opened a home in California for vagrant talking rats. His work in charities including PETW (people for the ethical treatment of wookies) and the SFLG (society for liberating groundhogs) is widely known and respected. Recently he created the foundation Joaqs of Love, which donates Joaquin's eyebrow hair to balding men, Dave Matthews was the charities first recipient. Phoenix's hair is also home to many endangered frog species and is registered as a national wild life reserve.

Romantic Life[edit | edit source]

For the first 49 years of his life Phoenix was devoutly celibate. That was until he met Steve The Inflatable Pirate. Together they spent many romantic afternoons avoiding sharp objects. Unfortunately for Steve, Joaquin's heart was easily swayed when on a boating trip along the coast of Hawaii he met naked Dominic Monaghan, star of Lost. The two hit it off instantly, falling in love over laminated pictures and cough drop wrapper origami. Despite Monaghan's strong bean scent, Phoenix adored him. After canceling Christmas and building a tower of love out of a bag of skittles, they knew it was meant to be. Phoenix was willing to do anything to keep Monaghan and publicly battled his only competition for Monaghan's heart - arch nemesis Rachael Ray. The two duked it out in a to the death battle. The contest came down to who could fit the most vegan pineapple pizza's in the back of a 2006 Prius within 30 minutes and Joaquin won. Dominic and Joaquin have been happily together ever since despite the domestic abuse and public affairs with William Shatner and Alan Thicke. They are expecting their first garden gnome in 2008.

Quotes[edit | edit source]

"I am a liar. I lie a lot, I lie about lying."

"I'm like if Care Bears were in charge of the law."

"Cry me a pond and fill it with vibrating ducks!"

"Wait, did you just admit you are a pedophile?" -- Joaquin Phoenix to Dominic Monaghan

"Filigree means anything delicate or fanciful." -- Casey Affleck

"I am filigree."

"You'd think in 32 years I would know where I was hairy and where I wasn't."

"It was as radiant as a bag of baking potatoes."

"I am so hot my pants are just combusting."

"Then I will bite you with my gold tooth. It's not in my mouth though. I just hold it."

"I actually own an entire wardrobe made of burlap, wheat, grass, straw and even mud."

"Cows are my best friends. And the best sex I've ever had."

"Yeah, I eat meat. Extra rare. Something a doctor could save. Extra fucking bloody. Bloody like a massacre. Veganism is kind of like... a really stupid hobby. Or a habit that desperately needs to be broken."

"Legalize hemp. Dope should be easier to get your grubby little hands on. Out of cigarettes? Need a fix? Light up your pants, your shirt, whatever..."

"It's like rubbing up against a brick wall. While you're naked. And holding a copy of ABBA's greatest hits."