UnNews:Biden drops out, Harris now worth something

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Tuesday, July 23, 2024
WASHINGTON D.C., MARYLAND

Biden just after dropping out.

For the second time in a month, something shocking has happened. Biden actually dropped out.

Despite some Democrats' attempts to prevent Biden from accessing his account, the old geezer managed to type his Twitter X password, know what a keyboard is, and state that he was dropping out. This caused the dude who was supposed to control his account, a random Millennial, to get kicked out of the party.

Many, many Republicans were absolutely furious about this. Trump, who had previously got shot by Thomas Matthew Crooks,[1] now has to throw away half of his merch, which was specifically focused on Biden. Ben Shapiro had to throw away over half of his crummy jokes, which were all about Joe Biden. According to a chief Republican researcher, "this is the first actual threat that could jeopardize Trump's chances of winning.

"Kamala Harris, the new Democrat candidate, has many benefits that Biden could only dream of. She's multiracial, appealing to way more Democrats, and is a Baptist, which is part of a homophobic Christian denomination, appealing to Republicans. Additionally, she's not that old and is a Millennial, making her actually relevant in internet culture.[2] That is, if the general public ignored her false street cred. Regardless, Trump may actually have to resort to making Ben Shapiro his VP.

Meanwhile, far-left Democrats trying to keep their "centrist" cover were furious that their adorable, old meat puppet had voluntarily dropped out in favor of spending the rest of his days stuffing his face with ice cream, soon to reside permanently at the cafeteria line for frozen desserts in a local nursing home. They have vowed to accept their true "leftist" nature, but have expressed doubts in how much longer Harris can keep up her "leftist" act.

Side notes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ A man whose assassination attempt was so flimsy that even Wikipedia is debating whether he really matters. Multiple times, too.
  2. ↑ Or at least more popular with the Deep State Democratic donors with tons of money, which is all that matters.

Sources[edit | edit source]

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